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~~K, it's been a while since I've written a story...like three or four months, I mean like seriously write...and when you're only 13 like I am that is a while...so I'm probably kinda rusty...critiques would be appreciated and they would help me a lot! 'cause in like 4-5 months (don't know when exactly) i'm goin to this school of arts thing and i need a portfolio of 3-5 of my best work...and Ineed a story to put in the portfolio that I don't even know how to make yet...so if anyone knows how to do a portfolio or whatever, that would help a lot too.~~2
It was so cold; even the sky was like ice. It was this cripplingly gigantic, swallowing sea frozen over in place over a landscape that was mockingly pristine. There was no heart in this place, no sign that anything had ever lived her. The silence was the kind that could suffocate you, crushing ever so slowly in on your shoulders. And the sun was this limp yellow orb that looked sadly on the blanket of snow that had chilled the green in the world, choked out all the life. The world lay still, nothing more than a grave.3
The castle was the only thing you could see for miles, the only thing that broke the silence and the stillness. From a distance, it was nothing more than a gray blur against the blue. Even once you’d reached the courtyard of the castle, it was still in ruins, an ancient place that had seen better days. No one had lived here for so long, that you could smell the death that lingered here. The little wooden crosses the marked the burial places of the previous occupants were all but destroyed, as was the arch that you passed through to get to the courtyard.4
There was a walkway leading up to the castle, but most of the stones were torn away, or carted off by someone when they’d fled from this destitute, forsaken place. Gargoyle figurines grinned toothily down, and some were portrayed to be crushing the spines of grown men in their teeth.5
The stairs that led up to the massive double doors were in remarkably good repair. And, on top of the staircase, in the midst of this quiet, lifeless atmosphere, dwelling in a world that much resembled a tomb, there was a pile of rags that moved. The pile of rags belonged to the old man. The old man that had lived here for some years, in a world that every one else had forgotten.6
But he still remembered. He still kept the secret.7
“To forget,” he whispered. His voice was dead as everything around him. Those eyes, those stormy gray eyes, had gazed at a place ruined and forgotten for so long that there was no more life in them. “To forget is death. This place is death…but I remember. And I live…To forget is death. And I live yet.”8
That, or something similar to it, had become kind of a prayer for him. That is what he said, over and over to himself as he sat on the staircase, looking over a land that never seemed to change with the passing seasons, in a land that had for so long never seen anyone to move but him. For years, it seemed, he had said these words to himself, so many times the vehemence that was once behind them, the incessant, pressing need to imprint the memory in his head, had left. They were nothing more than words, now, words that sometimes conjured up a memory.9
Usually, the memory the words brought to him was such a faded, shattered memory.10
This time, it was sharp and clear. So frightening that his heart began to thunder in his ears, that he began to rock back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth, with his head spinning, and his whole body screaming. And his limbs jerking. Not breathing. As the memory, began to sweep over him like it had not done for so very long. 11
[Unfinished...obviously]12
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I'm impressed by your descriptions- and doubly so when I remember you're only thirteen. Certain bits don't ring "true", if that makes sense (the part about "the sun was THIS limp yellow orb", for example)- but I'm assuming that such kinks will be ironed out with experience. I'd like to see where this goes
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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this is an exceedinly descriptive bit of writing, to be sure. each of your sentences was well developed and filled to the brim with exquisite wording and phrasing.
you have done a very good job of creating a sense of curiousity in your reader. i know that i would keep reading just to see what befalls the poor, slightly mental old man.
once more, great job and i think that this is an amazing start to an exceptional story!
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The only thing I will/could recommend changing is the last stanza's grammar error a bit but then again, its my opinionated 'taste:
This time, it was sharp and clear. So frightening that his heart began to thunder in his ears, that he began to rock back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth, with his head spinning, and his whole body screaming. And his limbs jerking- not breathing. As the memory, began to sweep over him like it had not done for so very long.
Keep penningbeginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 2, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Oh wow, really great descrpition. I am DEFINITELY intriuged. It picked up well, described the suffocating ice hellish landscape.
And the character.. I must know more !!
Keep it up!
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Excellent beginning
These first few paragraphs certainly want to make me read the rest of your story. However, at the very beginning of this section, you use too much description and not enough "hook"--in this case, the old man. Readers are attached to characters, not places, so introduce your character and his dilema (in this case, a sort of psycological pain) as soon as possible. Then you can describe the location, the castle, the atmosphere.
On a technical level, I suggest removing the passive "was" from your first lines (having a passive sentence for your opening line is rarely a good idea) and also getting rid of the second person descriptors, which have no place in "professional" writing.
Your voice/tone is absolutely amazing and very well developed for a thirteen year old.
The words flow naturally and are not melodramatic. Work on hooking the reader early on and watch for typos (I caught "her" instead of "here" in the first paragraph) and you'll be headed for success in no time!
As far as your portfolio goes, I suggest writing to this "school of arts" and asking for more details about what's required. I also suggest submitting pieces in many genres: a fantasy like this one, combined with a descriptive piece (your description is excellent and would be a good thing to showcase) and an internal dialogue/chain of conciousness piece (following one of your character's thoughts throughout a specific situation) would give a fair representation of your talents as a writer. Good luck!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I liked it Bre
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 4.
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Although this is a beautifully descriptive sentence 'It was this cripplingly giganitc, swallowing sea frozen over in place over a landscape that was mockingly pristine.' it was a little much and I stumbled over it twice. I was trying to figure out a way to write it that wouldn't destroy the lovely imaginery. So I was thinking maybe a comma between 'place' and 'over'.
Third sentence, 'her' should be 'here'.
I'd leave out the comma between 'words' and 'now' in the last sentence in paragraph 9.
Good start. Would like to read more of this. These are just suggestions and errors that need to be fixed. Hope this helped.
~Syren~ -
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thanks so much for your comment!! it's appreciated so much!
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