As the boy slept peacefully in his bedroom, he heard a sound downstairs. Curious of what it was, he crept into the night.
This was the night he would never forget. Two shadowed strangers shot his father. His mother screamed. She looked up the stairs and saw his face as father fell motionless down the floor.
"Run!” she yelled. It startled one of the strangers and shot her too. Her face fell blank and emotionless as the bullet went through her flesh. She bled there on the ground on top of father. The other strangers whispered something, but the boy was too much in shock to hear what they said.
The boy stood there frozen as ice, sucking in what had happened. His legs instinctively started to move and he ran up the stairs, following behind were the strangers. Without looking back he hid into his parent’s bedroom closet and he became afraid to get out or do anything. The image of his father and his mother being shot kept banging in his head and it wouldn't stop. He cried furiously, defenselessly, hopelessly. He couldn’t stop shaking from the drama either. He felt like he wanted to die there with them. He didn't want to ever come out of the closet.
The boy wanted them dead. He could make that wish come true, when he realized a gun was next to his foot. The boy picked up the gun and wiped his tears. All the sadness and sorrow was now filled with hatred and rage. The boy slightly opened the door and saw them.
Thier legs moved back and forth as the strangers searched for the boy. A bullet went through one of them and without time to react, the other one was shot as well. He kept shooting them both until he was sure they were definitely dead. Then....a feeling of great regret swept over the boy and he dropped the gun in shock. What have I done? he weeps over the dead bodies that lied in front of him. The sirens were coming closer and closer. Without thinking.........He fled.
He ran toward the streets where the police cars were no where to be seen. As he ran tears where dripping down his neck. He ran and ran, never looking back. He stopped when his body could no longer take the run. Even when his body was tired, he walked. Every breath ached with every step he took, but he had to make sure he was a safe distance away from the police or anybody else.
He hid inside the nearest old broken building in a little town and closed the door behind him. He leaned against a wall and started panting and gasping for breaths. The dusty air made it even harder to breath, but he didn't care he felt safer in the dusty air, than out there. He looked down at himself and then saw his hands. I’ve killed 2 people....strangers with my own hands he thought to himself. He started to cry. Not just because he murdered 2 people but that he missed his parents so badly now. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cuss, he wanted to destroy and let his anger out, but he didn't want to be found. He just sobbed there not wanting the next day to come. All that night he cried.
The sun blinded his eyes as he was about to go to sleep. It was morning. His eyes ached as he tried to blink them. In his mind he wished it was just a nightmare and someday he would wake up into the life he once knew, his normal life. But he knew it was nothing but a living nightmare-come-true. He tried to cry but all those tears ran dry. He once enjoyed the sun but he wished it would just shatter. Shatter like his happiness did. Hope never seemed so far away.
His stomach growl, he felt weak. He needed food.
His body was sore, making every bone, every muscle sore and painful as he got up. His body was not used to running for so long.
The boy looked outside and he slowly went out showing his face to the world. But feeling himself change and the world around him also. The world didn’t feel as safe and fun. He realized he was in the ‘real’ world, where life is dangerous and as sad as he felt. There was no time to have fun or to enjoy it any longer.
He walked to the nearest building and saw more and more buildings. He was in a town. [] He felt that every eye that he walked passed was staring right at him. He made sure he didn't make any eye contact with them, so he wouldn't cause any problems.
to be continued
Author notes
i have ideas for the story but haven't had time to write it or know how to start it
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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i like this story. there are meny mistakes however. yet these are things that can easily be fixed. i also think that you should remove all the space. there is no point to it.
I think that this story can be even better - i to think that it is good - i think that you should expand more and go into more detail. i also think that you should make the paragraphs shorter.
all in all, this story has promis -
This story has a lot of potential, thank you for asking me to read and critique it. It was well worth the read. Here are some suggestions on how to improve the overall set up of the story
Curious of what it was[,] he crept into the night.
the extra .... isn't necessary and This was the night should start a new sentence.
numbers under 10 should be spelled out not numerical
comma not fullstop aka period after shot his father, or start His mother screamed as a new paragraph. Either would work.
where were the parents shot? which part of the body? can you put more description into what happened when they fell ?
but he was too much in shock (who was "he"? the partner? the son? this is a little vague)
The boy stood there frozen should start a new paragraph
and it ran up should be and he ran up
followed behind should be following behind
The boy wanted them dead. new paragraph
defiantly = definitely
the extra spacing is not necessary and a little distracting
He hid inside an old broken building new paragraph
your description of his situation after he left the house is good but there are many missing details throughout the house. Why were the people there in the first place? Was it the middle of the night and it was a failed burglary? Was it a "hit gone wrong?" there are many different ways you can take this story but details are the key. I would like to read this again when you've had a chance to go over it. I hope that I've been able to help and if you've any questions please let me know.
C.
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this is good i lik it...just a question how old is this boy?
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hmm...i haven't descided. and i haven't made names up for any of my characters. so....tell me how old does he sound?
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at the beginning it sounded lik he was lik a lil kid but then near the end it makes him sound lik hes a teenager
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well i dunno, i can't imagine a little kid like umm......killing the strangers
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paragraph 9- i've never felt my eyes feel sore from crying, that seems difficult to relate to, can you try to describe that feeling more? also the last sentence seems poorly placed. try removing it.
some of the other descriptions seem cardboard cut-out. you either don't need them or you need to focus on them because in the current form you're focusing on too many of them.
spell check, grammar check, and double check. the story on the whole is riddled with errors, i think if you revised and editted it, you could have a descent story on your hands, but you really need to get all the grammar cleaned up. -
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OMg. i'm so stupid
thank you. i acually got time to do it finally. reviseing and all.......
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It's so awesome! I love it, but u should probably put caps in the beginning of the sentences and stuff.
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