The cold steal rain that beat ageist his back flowed like the icy blood in his veins. The splashing of his feet ageist the puddles of rock and sand kept him in reality, if only in its vaguest since. In the back of his mind he knew what he did but at the same time he had no clue what had just happened. The flickering neon light of a bar down the street put a light glow of hope in his eye, the old smoke hole seamed to call out to him with safety and warmth. He slowly made his way their as if he had no reason to live outside of getting to that bar. He opened the door and like a dragons breath a cloud of smoke plumed out like only an inner city lounge could produce. He sat down at an old, rickety, stained up table and waved over the barmaid. She staggered he way over and in a lack luster voice said "What can I get you sweet heart?", HE replayed in his usual grim tone "Brew and a shot, keep um coming.". She look at him for a moment as if she expected him to hit her then walked off a bit faster than she had before. As he sat their taking in all that the hole in the wall had to offer, he drifted back into his mind where every thing just seamed like hell.1
The old cellar was dank and musty with a smell that threw his face in to a discussed expression. Another man might have been scared but not Gabriel, no he was just pissed. He grabbed an old axe for the corner and knocked off the brown grime that had seamed to be their longer than he had been around longer than he was. The thunder rolled its way across the room to where he stood shaken at the core, the lead in the window that slowly allowed rain to dribble in drove him further and further in to madness with every drop. Gripping the axe handle as if the world its self depended on it, he made his way up the steps and out in to the cold foreboding night. 2
His heart raced and the breath that had so rapidly escaped his lunges earlier now grew stale in his mouth, this was a feeling he recommended to none. The axe sat in his lap now brown with dried blood tormented his every thought, the around him air was dense and warm as if he were standing over a fire. He laid down flat on his back wile the axe, never moving, haunted him still. He started up in to the night sky trying to make sense of what in his eyes seamed unreal. He closed his eyes with only one thought in his mind, “I could really use a drink.”.
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Author notes
Its odd but I had fun with it.
A contest entry
- Check it out and have fun by Mel-the-Believer.
130 points, ended October 12, 2006, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Check it out and have fun by Mel-the-Believer.
130 points, ended October 12, 2006, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The darker the better by adamcieslicki.
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Very dark and creepy... Very well put imagery in this piece my dear thanks for entering x
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I'd expand on this, why was he upset and curt to the waitress? there's a lot of detailing that could go into it. What's the bar like?
Structurally this could use some work, breaking up the paragraphs and putting conversations into different paragraphs could greatly improve the impact of this piece, good luck in the contest. -
its good, perhaps a little short, you could definetly expand it to say what the bar was like on the inside, what were the people like there, all these sort of things.
I liked the writing style though, keep it up -
not bad
To be honest with you the story is rather tedious and a little lack of feelings. but your descrption of the scene allows me to see what the persona see, so that's pretty good. You need to check your spellings though, quite a few errors. Appart from that your story has a good flow to it. -
This is pretty good. It had a feel to it, can't explain it, but it did. Good job. Quick question though, what option did you choose, just so I have an idea. Thanks. Thanks too for entering. God Bless!
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~a haunting of some sort
~a haunting of some sort, I know its hard to tell but the haunting in my story is not of the supernatrial but of the mential sate of the char.
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