CHAPTER 11
On a lonely night where the full moon shone brightly in the sky in a town in london, a girl at the age of twenty-two, walked alone. She was going home, after a long tiring day at work. As she walked, it started to rain. so, she took her umbrella and held it up against the sky. On her way back, she decided to take a shortcut a road going past the church, where a grave yard was at the back of it, so she went around the church and walked along a road of bushes where the grave yard become on her left. On her right were a few bushes and at a distance of about five hundred meters, were two houses. Dark, scary and deserted!2
She walked slowly for the ground was slippery. As she walked, she felt something move beside her. she stopped and looked around but everything lay (completely) still. The graveyard was pitch black. So, she moved on. In not more than minute, she felt and heard something move. She looked around again, and saw bushes wave a little. She dared not approach, for she was always haunted by her grandmother's stories. Her grandmother told her (of) how many people had died on stormy nights, especially nights of full moons! She used to listen attentively to her grandmother's stories, which were the only the reason why she had never visited anyone in the graveyard. Although, she was afraid, she had always wanted to know why these people were killed! The Police had never found the murder weapon, but the doctors had always said there were 'bites', either on the whole victim's body or just at their necks! The people in that town were religious people. They went to church on Sundays and sometimes during other days of the week. They never belived in 'Vampires' or 'Demons' or 'Witches' or anything of that sort. When these sudden deaths and murders started, some people said that these bites were made by stray dogs looking for food. Some people belived that their was something abnormal about these deaths but had no evidence to prove it or talk about it. everyone had always wanted to know why these people had died. It was a mystery that was impossible to solve. 3
The girl walked cautiously. She shivered from head to toe, not because of the cold weather but because of the place! She was horrified!4
When she used to go home, in the afternoon using that short-cut, when the sun was still shining brightly, she never felt afraid. For what she had noticed and so did many others, was that these attacks happened only at night, never in the day and usually on nights that had a full-moon! She walked slowly, then stopped to rest and look around. She felt something move behind her. She turned around, dropped her umbrella and SCREAMED. For what she saw made her start running. She slipped! But quickly got up and without looking around, she started running as fast as her legs could carry her. Finally she fell, and being unable to get up, she turned around to face her doom! The muderer, who had murdered many before her and will murder many after her! She SCREAMED, as loud as she could and looked up. A tall, black hooded figure, stood and looked down at her. She heard he howling of wolves and SCREAMED! The black hooded figure approached her and moved nearer and nearer towards her neck!5
Now, she knew why, a murder weapon was never found and only 'bites'.6
The tall figure removed his hood and what she saw made her SCREAM again and cry. It was unbelieveable! Long, sharp teeth at the man's face! He got down to his knees and restrained (stopped) her movement. 'Please,' she started through the hammering tears coming down from her eyes and running down her cheeks. 'Please, I beg you!'7
The man's face approached hers. There was a strike of lightening, and she saw his face. He was about the age of twenty-two as well. He was handsome, with bright blue eyes and black hair. Only he wasn't all human! He was something else! He was ---- what he was!! 8
'Please, I beg you, don't!' she pleaded.9
The last thing she heard was, 'I am sorry, but it's my turn to live!'10
She SCREAMED one last time, before she lay on the ground. Her eyes wide open, looking at the sky, never blinking again. Her blonde hair, had become dark brown with mud. A tall figure, stood next to her. 'I am sorry, but I live a cursed life!' he said and covered his face and body with his hood and went back into the bushes and out of sight!11
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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It seems like your writing is at an important transition in voice, where you're seeking to write more descriptively. This is very good, and I applaud the effort! There are some places, though, where this seems awkward; you're trying so hard to describe the scene in a clear manner, but you haven't quite learned how to do this in a way that matches your descriptions yet. Specifically, this was a place in the first paragraph that bothered me:
"As she walked, it started to rain. so, she took her umbrella and held it up against the sky."
The way that this is worded is uncomfortable to read, and might be revised. For example, you might try saying it as "It began to rain; taking her umbrella, she held it against the sky." It's still a bit awkward like that - you could probably throw some more description in there to even it out better. But the point is to take out the unnecessary detail (we already know she's walking from the first sentence), consolidate the description, and design the sentence smoothly.
There are some places where you use explanation points a bit too freely as well. Try to limit yourself to one per paragraph. The reason for this is, you want to emphasize only the most important parts of your ideas. If you overuse it, not only do you muddle where the emphasis is really needed, but your writing comes off unintentionally cheesy in some places, where it should be very serious and dramatic.
Some of the lines in this story, I really enjoyed, and I think there's a lot of potential. Particularly I liked the line - "I'm sorry, but it's my turn to live!" I'd actually advise cutting out the dialogue after that - it's a gorgeous line, impacting and powerful, and anything that distracts from it is a shame.
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this is really good! if it were a book, i would buy it lol
loves it!!! -
Wow! This is a great story that can stand alone as well as part of a novel. I really like it, and I loved how much detail it had. I could never write so much detail, and it definitly helps readers visualize the scene. I hope you continue this and add more to this potential story.
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That was a very interesting story. I enjoyed reading it. Good job with it. Keep on writing. God Bless!
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Thank you for reading and for the applaud, sorry it took me a while
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Death of a hard working girl.
Another life snuffed out. Death sometimes has to kill ya to have a life of its own. Who are we to blame? I like to walk alot at night. In the rain is a good and gothic time for night walking exercises. I have never ran into a handsome man with blue eyes and dark hair. If I ever did I might bite him a little. Wink.
language: 5.
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Thank you so much Rebel for your comment and for your applauds. I am glad you enjoyed my story.
Nooni
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