“Sir Edwards,” called Tammy as she looked under her bed. “Sir Edwards, where are you?”1
Six-year-old, Tammy stood up, put her hands on her hips, just like she’d seen her mom do and looked around her room. The spot on her pale pink bedspread was empty where she always put Sir Edwards the bear, after her mom made the bed in the morning. He was not on one of her white chairs, surrounding a small white table that was now neatly laid out with dishes for her tea party. Usually it held her crayons and coloring books; those she had tossed in the corner by the closet. 2
“Sir Edwards you grumpy bear, where are you?” She called again as she opened her closet and pushed aside her dresses. “Mom, mom, where is Sir Edwards?”
A head of long brown hair popped around the corner and said exasperated, “please Tammy, lower your voice. Your sister is sleeping.”3
“But mom Sir Edwards is missing.” She blinked her big, blue eyes and crunched up her freckled nose.4
As her mom walked down the hall, she said over her shoulder, “No he’s not. He’s on the shelf by the window. Now play quietly for awhile please.”5
Grumbling, Tammy went over to the shelf by the window. There was the wanted bear (sitting upright with his big, red bow) smiling down on her from the shelf overhead. 6
“Mom he’s too high up,” Tammy called. “Mom?” After a few moments, she said to herself. “She must be busy.”7
Hands again on her hips, she glared at her stuffed bear while wondering how to get him down. Standing there she wondered if she could stack something. Tammy turned around and saw her Dr. Seuss and Disney books.8
She ran over, grabbed an armful and headed back. It took three trips but finally she thought she had enough.9
The stack wobbled from side to side as she put one red sandaled foot on top. Slowly she raised her other and stood as the stack shook. Suddenly it slid out from under her as she reached for Sir Edwards. She fell backwards and landed on her bottom. Tears welled up in her eyes as she climbed back to her feet. “I won’t cry,” she told herself as she balled up her small fist. “I won’t wake up sissy.”10
Her stack of books had scattered everywhere and a lone tear slid down her plump, freckled cheek. She pushed her books out of her way angrily. Again with hands on her small hips she scanned her room and came across her box of blocks. 11
“I’ll try these.” She lugged her box half way across the room. It was heavy, so she dropped it and pushed it the rest of the way.
Slowly and carefully she stacked the blocks to form a small neat cube. Grabbing a couple of books she put them near the base and climbed up.12
The blocks slid and wobbled under her, but held. She looked up and reached for Sir Edwards, but she was still too short. Tammy was frustrated but she carefully climbed down. She sat down on her bed and propped her elbows on her knobby knees to think. “I need something that will reach.” She thought, “a stick! No mom will never let me bring a stick inside.”13
She got up and paced the room, sweeping aside the toys she hadn’t put away like her mom had asked her too. Suddenly her face lit up with a big grin and she raced out of her room. In a few moments she was back with her mom’s blue handled broom. Again slowly and carefully she climbed up and swatted Sir Edwards down off the shelf. She threw down the broom and jumped off to grab the soft bear. Squeezing him tightly she scolded him, “You naughty bear. Don’t you do that again.”14
Tammy crossed to the tea table, Sir Edwards under one arm and the sunflower hat in her other hand, and sat down for her long awaited tea party.15
“Now Sir Edwards, lets put on your tea hat.”16
Author notes
Help please. This story is for a class here and I'm really having a hard time with it because I don't like the subject anymore. But I need to finish it, so if anyone can help please do. I need puncuation, spelling, and anything else you can come up with. Thanks
Fixed errors on September 10th. Did alittle more on September 19th.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Oooh this was so cute lol Sounds like something a real little kid would do I love it. Good work.
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I modeled it after my two girls.
Again thanks
Brooke
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good
My last name is Edwards so i liked the beginning.It was a
great story and stroy line. Works well and flows.
jackie
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I loved it.
There is a lot of imagination in the story. You could have put a slight twist on the story by having the bear in bed with her sister.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I didn't even think of that. Wouldn't that just have been horrible for Tammy?
Thanks for reading.
~Syren~
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I loved this story. It was written about my sister's bear. But my sisters name isn't Tammy, it's Ryelee. Way to go mom.
~Phoenixflower~
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comma after Tammy
comma after Sir Edwards
comma after Six year old
comma after stood up
comma after her hips
comma after white chairs
comma after Sir Edwards
explain the emotional tone of the mother and Tammy's voices when they're talking emotional inference
comma after hall
comma after few moments
comma before and after again
comma after her hips
combine paragraphs 11 and 12 and 13
combine 14 and 15
combine 17 and 18 and 19
comma after room
combine 20 21 and 22 and 23
this is absolutely adorable and I hope you add to it -
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Thanks
Hey thanks for reading. I have been busy but I'm hoping next week I will get to the errors and clean them up. As I've said before I suck at punctuation.
Thanks again.
~Syren~
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Her tack of books lay scattered everywhere and a lone tear slide down her plump, freckled cheek. She pushed them out of her way angrily.14
tack should be stack, slide should be slid.
If it's not too late, tell me more about the assignment and I will try to give more input. -
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Hey thanks
The assignment was to write a childrens story and then have ppl proofread it. Make the changes and keep making the changes until there were no more changes. Like if I was going to send it off to a publishers. So if you think I should add more to a place or not enought description, just let me know.
Thanks again for catching that mistake. I think I fixed the one you caught and then one Kyddryn caught.
~Syren~
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Ok, that's funny...I have a bear named Sir Edward Beanbutt. :-)
Paragraph two: "Usually it held her crayons and coloring books. Those she had tossed in the corner by the closet." could be "Usually it held her crayons and coloring books; those she had tossed in the corner by the closet."
Paragraph seven: there should be a comma after "Grumbling"
Paragraph seven: This is awkward "There was the wanted bear, smiling down at her. Sitting upright with his big red bow waiting for her on a shelf that was over her head." Perhaps "There was the wanted bear (sitting upright with his big red bow) smiling down on her from the shelf overhead." would work?
Paragraph eight: "she must be..." should be "She must be..."
Paragraph twelve: "She fell backwards and landed on her. Bottom." Was this for effect, or an error? I can't always tell when unusual punctuation of for effect... should it have been "She fell backwards and landed on her bottom."?
Paragraph fourteen: The second word should be "stack". Instead of "lay", perhaps "had"?
Paragraph sixteen: "It was heavy so she dropped it and pushed it the rest of the way." is a bit run-on. Perhaps "It was heavy, so she dropped it and pushed it the rest of the way."
Overall, it's sweet, and I get a good mental picture of a little girl trying to get a favourite toy without asking for help. In what was isn't it finished? I thought it ended fine, with the tea party.
Just my two cents, anyway.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K -
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Thanks
I'm not too thrilled with this story, so thanks for your imput. It is finished but I hurried it so I thought maybe it didn't come together very well at the end.
I can't believe you have a bear with this similar name. My youngest daughters bear is named Sir Edwards. He just looked English so I had to give him that name.
Thanks for all of the above and I will get to it hopefully this week.
Happy writing.
~Brooke~
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