No matter how dirty you get, you can always take a shower, and you will come clean eventually. Even the toughest dirt, caked on a childs feet in summertime will come off with enough scrubbing and soap. Yet, here I have been for the past hour, standing in the shower as steaming water pours over me like a simulated waterfall, and I still feel filthy. I have long since rubbed my skin raw and my fingers have long since pruned. I have never been as clean as I now am, but as much as I may know that intellectually, it feels still as if I was rolling in a pigpen. That would probably be much more pleasant than the truth though. Yes... it definitely would be more pleasant than the real reason I am standing here with my tears flowing nearly as strongly as the shower water is.1
~!~2
It is finally Monday, the day I have been dreading since Thursday night. I have to face them again today. I have to face him. I wake up earlier than usual, and dress in my typical clothes, blue jeans and a vintage tee. Bracing myself, I descend into the kitchen for some breakfast. My mother eyes me suspiciously, but doesn't say anything as I take a bagel and the newspaper. Not even Garfield can distract me from the day ahead, though.3
The time between breakfast and the first bell of homeroom seems to not exist, yet goes on for millennia. What will they think, will he have told anyone? How can anyone look at me? Some friends pass bye and say hi, asking about my weekend, wondering about parties. I tell them my weekend was boring, I wasn’t allowed out, life was fine, Josh is good. As more people pass and try to include me in conversation, I shrink in my chair and bury my face in a textbook, hiding behind derivatives and integrals, hoping to be ignored.4
It seems people are getting the hint now; I don’t feel well, don’t want to talk, or am in a bad mood… whatever they think is fine with me, I realize as I shuffle down no-name hall to sit in the library. Whatever they think is fine, so long as they don’t know the truth. Now, it is my study hall period and instead of sitting in the commons I am sitting in the glow of a computer screen, mindlessly flicking through my regular sites. Myspace, Facebook, Gmail, PostSecret… PostSecret… PostSecret… I scroll down the page, reading postcard after heartbreaking postcard. Then, I see it, the postcard that ends up staying with me for years. “You broke me… I hate you… ((I love you))”5
~!~6
Choking back tears, I run from the library to the bathroom, and as I am about to push open the door, I feel a presence behind me, a hand on my shoulder. I swing around. It’s him. I make to run, but part of me wants to hear what he has to say for himself, so when his grip tightens, I stop struggling.7
“Hey babe,” he says in a soothing voice, “you’ve been avoiding me.” While his voice is calm and kind, I hear the predator lying beneath the surface, I know what he is capable of.8
“Wouldn’t you?” I ask, just as calmly, with a hint of bitterness in my voice.9
“Touché. Lets go for a walk.”10
Resigned, I nod and head toward the back of the school, with him walking a step beside me. In silence, which could be mistaken as companionable, we head towards the woods as we had every day for the past two years. As the creek begins to sound, I sit in the normal spot, except this time he remains standing as he pulls out the cigarettes. Camel Turkish Gold. He hands one to me, and then holds a burning match in front of me. I fight back the urge to flinch as the flame nears my face, and he pretends not to notice, though I am sure he does.11
With a wry smile, he apologizes. “I’m… uhm… I’m sorry,” he says. He’s sorry. It’s like he is apologizing for stepping on my heel while he’s walking behind me. “You know I was drunk. I wouldn’t… couldn’t have ever done that if I wasn’t.”12
Alcohol, I know, makes people do things they wouldn’t ever do normally. It doesn’t change people, or what they think about, it just lowers people’s inhibitions. Maybe he wouldn’t have done what he did. Maybe my face wouldn’t be stinging with tears right now. Maybe… who cares about maybe??? He did what he did, and here I am sitting with him alone in the woods. What am I thinking?13
Upon realizing that all semblance of thought has left my body, I laugh and stand up, ignoring his offering of a hand to help. I turn away from him and walk back towards school, stomping out my cigarette as I come within sight of it. Giggling hysterically, I get climb into my car, and as I drive out of the parking lot, my laughter turns back to tears.14
Author notes
i actually wrote the first two paragraphs in like february, and just rediscovered it and picked it back up. i didnt know where i was going with it so i took it where it took me... btw this is just a start
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Fantastic
That was so good i cant wait for you to finish it off...i have had this feeling myself many times...keep up the good work...xox
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Wow
I like it, I hope you're going to take it further? The character's feelings are well described. and you can understand that she's upset because of what the guy did to her. I really hope you take this further, I'd love to read more of it.
Jessbeginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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This is a superb start here! I was pulled in straight away. You have great use of language and you paint such a vivid picture with your words. I think, as the story unfolds, you have such a theme here, I think as a reader, i was rushing to see if my guess was right and if she had gone through what i thought she had. I was enthralling!
I think the language as you go through gets a bit slack, as in it's just not as strong as that very first paragraph and i'm sure, if you edit and reedit, it will get better and better as you clearly have a great understanding of language and phrasing as you show that throughout, but the first paragraph is definately the strongest.
I thought the idea and the way you launch into it was great, but i found the last couple of paragraphs a bit lacking. I didn't want her to yield so easily to him, after her feelings in the shower. I think you should expand on the wood conversation and feelings, delve deeper before finishing that section, so the reader really understands why she has to leave, the build up and that the fact she laughs and then cries in her car would be so much stronger.
Don't rush it. This is an amazing start so build on what you have.
Again, i absolutely adored the start. it was like being sucked through a tiny tube and into another world. I could almost hear the shower and feel the pain as she scrubbed herself clean!
Well done. I will look forward to reading more!
xx
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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I LIKE IT, ITS A VERY GOOD START. IT KEPT ME ON THE EDGE. I CANT WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.
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Can't wait to read more!
I like the mystery in your story. You leave me wanting to know more. I am intrigued. Your description is rich and spellbinding.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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good, caught my attention enough to read at 2am
-comma after summertime in Line 3.
-it STILL FEELS as if I was rolling in a pigpen
wow...actually, you have no idea that this hit me pretty hard. I guess i can relate to the main character...when someone has hurt you in that way, it's completely a love hate relationship. You want him to say what he did was wrong and apologize and you want to be loved in the right kind of way.
anyways, good job. only question: what exactly did he do? i suspect rape of course, but it's pretty much left to interpretation.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Something Great
I love this story. You've got great style in writing. I love how your hinting at something but never comeing out and saying something. I loved it!
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it's pretty good, i am interested at to how it is going to end/continue.....
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Strong,
Your intro to this piece was incredibly strong.
I know what it is like to start with one though and let it carry the work.
This story, the begining mostly, reminded me of the book, "It Happened to Nancy."
As those before me have said, the way this was written is really grabbing; the fact that the reader has no choice but to assume things in regards to the back story.
I look forward to readnig more and seeing where you let this one take you.
Take care,
Tori
beginning: 5.
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This is...wow. This is really good. It's sad and sublime, and I really connect to your character.
Nice Job!
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Wow.
A great story. I Love the mental instabilty the character suffers, it adds an interesting point of view. Clearly she's suffered a trauma sever enough to emotionally scar her (and i think its obvious what it was).. The ending could use a little more strength than just running away, but other than that.. Bravo.
(written by an amatuer Psych Student), Sorry lol.. -
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i thought it would be obvious too, but i didnt feel like coming right out and saying it, so yeah... its not done yet, even though i may never get to finishing it... meh whatev
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Hm
Well, it certainly is a good story, though I have no idea what is going on. There is a desperate need of an actual plot here and at least hints toward the events that led to this point. The language is good, I'll give you that, but there still remains a great deal of work to be done. -
great
it's nice i didn't find to many mistakes. Really good i love it. -
I liked this. You write 'thoughts' very well and make it easy to get into a characters head. I had the same problem as King Neirad though in that I didnt understand what the guy had done. He seemed a bit of an ass though! Anyway, its a good effort and I enjoyed reading it.
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I like this because the vague beginning allows for more detail later on in the story. At this point it can lead anywhere. Perhaps she sneaked out to a party that she was forbidden to go to and Josh's (I assume) actions took place there which indicates why she is hesitant to tell anyone about it including her friends and family. I hope you continue with this.
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Very well done. I liked the second to last paragraph especially but I wonder what happened between it and the last paragraph. Some more clues about the narrator would be appreciated: she canfind her wallet and talk about the shell called -her name-. I got the sense she was raped and I sense she knows the guy before hand but it seems like she's taking it a bit harsh. I wonder if this is just one thing or the first thing bad that happened to her or what her history is. It does skip arround, which can be a very good thing, but it doesn't talk about the transition.
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Great
Your story is great. It is confusing. I think alot of people will enjoy your work. I hope one day you will get it published. -
This was very moving. It gave a great knowledge to things that sometimes do happen in real life. Although, it may or may not reflect you personally; it was very well defined. I understood that alcohol can play a destructive role in many things, such as relationships, and things never meant to be said or done. I, myself, have been to this point. Sadly, it is a memory I do not desire as a chosen one. Maybe, he only had alcohol to bring out those feelings he held inside of him, and abused them with the help of a substance that many have abused, and have found themsleves trapped beyond a memory that haunts them. I loved your write, and hopefully, you will lead this further into a wonderful story for many to read. Many great journeys to you. Sabrina
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I like this. I can see it is the beginning of a story, and I am already interested enough in the character to want to read more about her. I'd like to find out what happened too. I thought the detail you used as she went through her day was very good and made you see her as a normal person. Hope to read more! Charlynn
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wow really interesting and captivating can't wait to see where it goes and find out more of the story great job so far
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That's what I do! I start writing something, then like a year later I find it when I'm cleaning my computer or something and I write the rest of it. Which could
A) Make it confusing
Make it better without those feelings hindering your writing.
This was very well written. I couldn't find any spelling errors or anything. It leaves you with a sense of, "What did he do when he was drunk? Rape her? Cheat on her?"
It makes you think.
Which is fantastic. GREAT Job! -
Powerfull piece of writing, a nice flow to it from start to finish. totaly beleivable, i was with you every step of the way...well done i look forward to the continuation.
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TEARS OF MYSTERY
Well first let me say that it would appear that you have a future in writing. You have put together a nice little scene here that would appear to have some nice potential worked into a full story.
Notice I used the term "scene". That is what I see you have developed here (and it is a good one) but you have some work to do to build this into an actual good total real story. Let me give you my comments from two angles, first what I though as a reader, reading the scene and second as a fellow writer and how the scene is put together.
First as a reader. The opening to the scene is good. I could picture her standing there in the shower raw and sore from to much scrubbing. You got me squarely behind the eyes of the character and you kept me there learning about her feelings and the start of her story. That was good.
You did a good job of moving me and the scene from this opening shower scene, down through breakfast with mom, out to school, through school and into the woods and back again. As a reader this all seemed natural and smooth and you get the feeling you are actually there inside the body of the character moving through her life with her. This is really good technique and you pull it off very well.
As we learn more about the girl and her life we realise she is probably a victium of a boyfriend/ girlfriend rape possibly and she is wrestling to try to deal with what happened to her.
We then learn about the boyfriend and the fact that whatever happen it is as a result of his aggression and drinking. We still only suspect that our take on the problem is correct because there is an attempt at reconciling the problem and the possibility the girl may find some way to overcome the problem. So far this is all good stuff (most new writers are not this smooth with scenes) and the reader is left hanging about just what their problem is and what is going to happen to these two kids.
From the reader perspective this is a good read and the reader would definitely turn the page and stay commited to the story to find out what will happened. You got them hooked good.
Now lets talk writer to writer and let me tell you what I thought.
You use the narrative and dialogue components well. Your dialogue seems natural and real to life and comes across as the way people really do talk. Your narration is good in that you are able to convey to the reader the things they need to know about what is happening in the scene. On balance there is like 70% naration and 30% dialogue. Not bad. If it were me I would try to balance this out more and use the extra dialogue to help increase the pace of the story a little (overall the pace is a bit slow). Maybe I would take advantage of the breakfast scene with the mother and convert this from narration to dialogue and then when she firsts arrives at school I might have her hold one or more conversations with a school mate(she must have at least one best friend at school).
Some of the wording is a bit awkward or just not right like..stomping out my cigarette as I come within sight of it. Giggling hysterically, I get climb into my car, and as I drive out of the parking lot, my laughter turns back to tears. this whole thought just seem hard to ge throuh. It might read something like..Putting out my cigarette as I got in my car and left the parking lot the giggles turn to tears. Or something that makes this thought flow better. These kinds of things tend to trip up the reader as they are reading.
You have the action and the conflict for the scene down pat and both are staged and move along nicely in the scene.
You do however have a long way to go on your characterization. You get both characters out there on stage and presented to the reader well. As it stands now though we dont know diddly squat about these two kids(not even the basic vitals like height/body makeup/age/etc) and this tends to make them weak in the readers eyes. Sure we know one is a girl and one is a boy and we are guessing that maybe they are teens (but then again they could be college students who knows) and this prevents your story from being stronger. You are placing the reader behind the eyeballs of the girl and sharing some heavy duty emotions with them and we have no idea what she is all about. Get the picture here? You have to build them up more.
You have used a reader hook very nicely at the end of the scene which gets them hooked and wanting to know what this is all about and turning the page to see what happens. This is good and you use it well.
Overall, like I said previously, you have a nice good action scene here with nice potential after you clean it up a little it will make a nice supporting chapter in whatever story you eventually develop around it.
Excellant chapter I look forward to seeing what you are going to do with it.
Paul -
LIZ YOUR AMAZING
I really liked this. It's emotional. I even set up an account to comment. I like the shower metaphor a lot.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Its good, really good
I like the way that you keep it so detatched and that your able to make it seem as though the character is just kind of going through the motions of that day.
I would love to read more, I think this has a huge amount of potential to it, well done
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I like this... You get a vague sense of what happened without being told. It's really striking that way. I can feel the girls pain and the way it was written was hypnotizing--I just want to know more.
"Alcohol, I know, makes people do things they wouldn’t ever do normally. It doesn’t change people, or what they think about, it just lowers people’s inhibitions."
I agree with that one statement. I drink almost every night and know the drama that comes with it--sometimes I just want to hate people for doing what they do, but I know it's that darker side that has no inhibitions coming out when they're drunk.
Is Josh this guy? Is he her boyfriend or just a friend?
BTW. The first paragraph about being dirty is a great beginning for this story. I hope to read more!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I like your story. It's a bit confusing though. I know that the girl in question is upset about something, and I know that it has something to do with this guy's wayward behavior, but I dont know if he hit her or if he forced himself on her. I suppose it's the second one from the first paragraph. Apparently girls feel dirty after having sex that they didnt really want. So there's that. I really do like the polt, but I dont feel like there's enough discription going on. It's like we're skimming through the story, not to say that I dont encourage, or like brivety in stories, because things can be explained too much as well, I just dont have a very good imagination, so I need a little extra jump. We went from home to school and then to the forest so quickly. Dont get me wrong, I'm not trying to be pejorative, because it is a very good begining to a very good story. I cant wait to read more.
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