Promise

It’s raining.1

It’s dark.2

And we’re flying down the interstate in the Ferrari that he’s forbidden to drive.3

I do love edge.4

He grabs the clutch, breaks out into another gear, and it gives me goose bumps. I lean in, and when I know he’s listening, I say, “I love you, Michael Lee Fender.” His eyes off the road, Michael turns his perfect sapphire eyes onto mine and that is when he kisses me. I put my hand onto his, just as he tells me-5

“Jordan Rae Letzer, I love you.”6

It’s the silence that I notice “Iris” is softly playing on that so expensive satellite radio, and so I turn it up. Michael smiles, and I know he’s thinking that he wants us to be together forever. And so do I.7

I’m looking at him, each and every feature in the darkness that is highlighted when we speed by a street lamp. His faultless curls of hazelnut brown fall so easily just above his eyes. He’s singing to our song, and I melt over his perfect cheekbones and gentle lips. 8

I’m too busy daydreaming to notice his face turn to horror, and he yells to me, “Jordan, get down!”9

All in one second, I’m torn away from his angelic beauty to the bright light in front of me, and then I’m jerked into oblivion like someone was standing on my chest. One last time, I get a glimpse of Michael before I cannot remember anymore. He’s looking at me with pain in his eyes, but he mouths to me, ‘I love you’.10

**********11

I can taste something unrecognizable. It isn’t blood, but I know that I’m bleeding; it hurts so badly. I’m crying and screaming inside, but I cannot find the courage to do it on the outside. I’m afraid to open my eyes. But then I can hear it; I hear the sirens, and that is when I know that Michael and I will be all right.12

So before I open my eyes, expecting I’m going to just be bruised and Michael to have some cuts, I say aloud, “Michael, we messed up, didn’t we?”13

I wait a short while, but I don’t get any response. I’m brave, and I open my eyes only to be shunned into darkness. Occasionally, I can see a tube of light from which I think is a helicopter. I try to turn my head to the left, but I’m enforced upon torture more than I’ve ever faced before. So silent I lay, piecing together what I know: We were in a car accident, I don’t know where I am or where Michael is, he isn’t answering me, and I can hear sirens but can’t see them, and I know a helicopter is coming. I know that things aren’t good.14

I begin to close my eyes just as a man approaches me. I’m enlightened, and before I even see his face, I shout, “Michael!”15

“I’m sorry, miss,” he says, “I’m not Michael. My name is Officer Raegan, and you’ve been in a serious accident.”16

I can feel my face fall, and I have a sickening feeling in stomach that Michael is not okay. “Officer, where is Michael? He has dark hair and he’s sixteen and-”17

“Miss, Michael is in pretty bad shape, but don’t you worry about him. We need to get you out of this car.” He tells me so matter-of-factly, and I don’t like it. I need to see Michael. I do not speak, and once again, everything disappears. 18

I think I’ve gone deaf, blind, and mute. I’m aware that I’m awake, but cannot let anyone else know it. I try to move, but it’s like my body is petrified. I start to panic inside, but then a bright light comes to me. It’s warm and welcoming, like I’m lying on the grass in May with my eyes closed, and I can see the sun through my eyelids. Am I in heaven? Is Michael here, too? But then my instant happiness changes, and I remember that Michael is in trouble. I suddenly gain control, and I snap my eyes open. Staring at a white-tiled ceiling, I can hear distant sobs and beeping. 19

“Michael?” is the first word from my mouth, and I can hear a cry of either joy or sorrow; I’m not so sure.20

“Jordan, baby!” I realize it’s my mother.21

“Mom?!” I try to turn my head to her, but it scorches. That is when I notice the stiffness around my neck. “Mom, what’s happened? Where’s Michael? Is he okay?” 22

There is that unforgiving silence again, and I wonder if she disappeared like Michael did. My hope is regained when she says, “Honey, you were in a car accident.” Mom comes over to where I can see her and sits real gently on what I assume is bed. I move my eyes to hers, and I’m waiting for her to continue.23

“It’s been raining like hell all night, baby, and a trucker lost control of his semi. He hit you and Michael in that little sports car head-on.” My swollen lips start to tremble as I remember the dazzling lights in my eyes. “The Ferrari was basically smashed, and it’s unbelievable that either one of you lived.”24

I take in an enormous breath, even though it makes it harder to breathe, and say, “Michael’s alive?!”25

Mom sits there solemnly for a moment, not saying a word. Then she quietly says, “Michael won’t live much longer, baby.”26

I shouldn’t have taken that massive breath; all of a sudden, it feels like I can’t breathe. “But he’s still alive? Then maybe he’ll make it! You see things like this all the time!” My eyes are burning, and a tear falls from the corner of my eye and across my temple.27

“Jordan, Michael’s suffering from major damage. The dashboard was compacted into him; his organs are barely functioning. Not to mention, he has severe head trauma.”28

I can feel a bulge in my throat, a rumbling in my stomach, and I think I might throw up. I restrain myself, though, and I barely breathe, “I want to see him before he dies.” Mom wipes the tears from my face, and that’s when I note the burning of my tears on my face. I must be in bad shape.29

Just then, a nurse comes in, and she’s praying to God about something, but I cannot hear. She looks at me, checks the IV, checks the heart monitor, and she sits on my bed to begin taking off a head bandage I didn’t even notice. Each time she unwraps a round, it feels like I’m being hit with a baseball bat.30

Mom says to the nurse, “She wants to see Michael Fender.” She’s stern and won’t take no for an answer, and so I smile a little, despite my situation.31

The nurse sputters a little before finally making words. “Well, we’ll have to get the wheelchair, but we’ll have to hurry.” Then she says a little more quietly, “The poor boy may not make it much longer,” like I can’t hear her. A flash of our kiss comes to my mind, and I realize that might be my last kiss, and so I suck it up.32

The nurse scurries away when she gets the bandage off of my now throbbing head, and hurries back with a wheel chair. It never occurred to me that I could have a catheter, my but is surely hanging out of my gown, and I still don’t know how long I’ve been here, but none of it maters because I just need to see Michael.33

Turns out he is just two doors down which is a relief because I don’t know how much longer I could go without seeing him. His door is open, and it looks the same as mine. Only, I all of a sudden feel overwhelmingly sad. Michael’s there, but it doesn’t even look like the Michael I know. His face is completely disfigured. His head is bandaged like I assume mine was, and his perfect lips are scabbed and swollen. His face has stitches from one side of his cheek, under his chin, and onto the other side. His ears are bandaged as well, and I dare not ask what has happened to them. There are breathing tubes strung into his nose, and he’s barely even breathing. I remember that Mom had told me his organs were barely alive, and so I choked on the thought of what he looked like under the sheets. How could this happen to Michael? How could this sinless boy be punished in such a horrific way? He has never done anything to hurt anybody, and yet he’s here, hurt by someone else. 34

Astonishingly, his left arm seems to be in good condition besides a few scratches, and so I take his hand. I start to cry, knowing that I should be the one on that bed. Better yet, neither of us should be here at all! Why did I ask Michael to take out his dad’s Ferrari at midnight for a spin? I can’t believe I was that stupid! I’m a horrible person, and I deserve to die with him! I need to be with him! He’s what keeps me alive, and so what will become of me if he dies?35

I shut my eyes tight as I hold onto my boyfriend’s hand when suddenly, I can feel it move. I catch my breath as I open my eyes. “Michael?” I ask. “Michael? Baby, please wake up!”36

Just as before, he does not answer me, and I’m let down. I bow my head in shame and sorrow, and just when I’m about to say good-bye, the nurse gasps.37

“Lord have mercy! It’s a miracle!”38

I open my eyes once again only to see those beautiful eyes of Michael Fender staring back at me. “Michael!” I scream. I spontaneously start to bend down to hug him, but then retreat. I look at him with tears in my eyes, and I say, “I love you.”39

Michael , weakness in his eyes, opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out at first. Then slowly but surely he says, “I… love… you… too….”40

It’s that moment when I saw Michael cry for the first time in the ten years that I’ve known him. It’s that moment when I’m glad he’s alive to tell me he loves me and to her me tell him, too, even if he dies the next. It’s that moment that maybe I do believe there is a God. It’s that moment when I love the world and everything in it.41

I smile at Michael as I continue to hold his hand, and he tries to smile back. I can see the difficulty though, and I say, “It’s okay.”42

We sit in silence, just staring at each other. Even my mom and the nurse don’t speak. For awhile I didn’t even know if they were there. Finally, Michael gasps and says to me ever so softly, “Jordan Rae Letzer-” He barely coughs before going on. “I will see you again.”43

I blink, and my bottom lip shakes. “Michael, what are you saying? Of course I’ll see you again. We’re pretty much room mates. I’ll see you tomorrow!” I swallow the large knot in my throat.44

Michael defiantly shakes his head. “No, Jor. I won’t make it, and you don’t have to pretend. I know I’m going to die.” He coughs again, and I begin to cry even more. “But I will always, always love you. Don’t you ever forget that.”45

“No, Michael! You’re going to live! You’ll be okay! I don’t know how long it’ll take, but you’ll be okay! We’re going to go to Harvard together, remember? We were going to get married and have three sons! You were going to be a criminal lawyer, and I was going to become a writer! How can we fulfill those dreams if you’re not with me?” I can barely control my breathing now, and I try not to upset him, but I know I have.46

“Baby, you will be those dreams. I’m going to die tonight dreaming of our future. But I can’t die not knowing that you’ll become a writer and have three boys. You have to promise-” He starts coughing again, and a wail of hurt escapes my lungs. “You have to promise me that you’ll get married to another man just as good or better than me. Please, Jordan Rae. You have to promise me.” His eyes are sparkling, sparkling like they always have. I know that they will even sparkle in his death.47

“I-I-I promise.” He actually smiles, and somehow I know that he’s about to die. “But I’ll always love you.”48

“’Tis beyond death that we will part.” Michael grabs my hand that had been holding the entire time, and then he closes his eyes. His grip loosens, and his chest slowly lowers. I know that he is gone but his smile is still on his beautiful lips. I do not care what is happening around me, and so I bend forward in my wheel chair, my muscles aching, and I kiss Michael one last time. But I will not remember this kiss as our last for forever. I will remember it as our departure until I see him again.49

I am not crying now because I know that he is not in pain anymore, and even though I will be for a while, I will carry that pain with bravery for Michael. I will keep my promise, and I’m promising now that he may not be physically with me every day, but he will always be with me, still holding my hand.50