Autumn Splattered

Chris sighed as she pulled her crusty Volvo into the parking lot of the hospital. This wasn’t where she wanted to spend her Saturday afternoon. Mattie was in need and Chris had gotten the call, so she had come, no doubt. 1

Mattie and Chris had been friends for as long as anyone could remember. They had always been there for each other too, spending most weekends and weekdays together, watching chick flicks and having slumber parties. Now that they were out of high school and on summer break, they hadn’t been seeing each other. 2

Chris had gotten Mattie’s mother’s phone message while she was in the Vicky’s. Her phone had been on silent, but not on vibrate. She looked at it after she had checked out and was in her car, about to call her boyfriend, Brandon, when she noticed the small flashing icon in the top corner. 3

She came in around the back of the hospital, walking with nothing but her small jean purse she had gotten at the Folk Fest, which she went to every year. She opened the Fire Exit door carelessly, knowing the alarm was broken from the several times she had entered that way. She looked on the room list that they kept in the hallway to find Mattie Clarkson. Room # 21A 4

Chris pressed the buttons in the elevator half a dozen times. She’d always believed that the more times you press it, the faster that it would go. She never liked elevators, air pressure changes gave her motion sickness, but she was too tired to climb the stairs. The summer heat had been beaming down on her, even though she was dressed in jean shorts and a white tank top. 5

She opened the door to Mattie’s room to find her sprawled out on the long white bed, dressed in one of the dresses the hospital provides. Chris was shocked, although she didn’t know what to be expecting. Mattie’s naturally golden, stick straight hair looked frazzled and unkempt, springing out in different directions. Her face looked tired and sad, her eyes wide and gloomy. Her hands were gently placed by her sides, her palms face up, fingers curled. Her fingernails were dirty and unclipped. She looked so out of place, almost old. 6

This feeling that Chris had was a new one; a sense of not knowing. It was a first for her, seeing as she always had the answers to everyone’s problems. She was the mediator, coordinator and everything else that people looked for in a therapist or a friend. As she looked at Mattie and her thin body, Chris felt herself being scared, scared for Mattie, scared for herself. 7

Chris knelt down beside the bed. The cold linoleum floor hurt her knees but she couldn’t care. Her eyes swelled up with tears but she fought them back. She never thought she’d have to see Mattie like this. 8

She placed her hand on hers. Mattie’s hand was cold and bony; she could feel her pulse in her wrist even though she wasn’t trying to. “What happened?” she asked softly. Her voice wasn’t angry or upset, just worried and thoughtful. 9

Mattie didn’t reply. She just looked into Chris’s eyes with a sad expression. Mattie’s eyes were the same dirty sea grey they always had been. Chris had always found them beautiful; always wishing her eyes could have held that same miraculous colour. But now the colour looked more faded, more grey then blue. It was depressing, just like it always would be to see someone in this state of sadness, this state of depression, this state of pain. 10

Chris knew what had happened with Mattie’s off again on again inconsistent boyfriends, all lacking respect for her. Why didn’t I tell anybody? She asked herself. She now felt a pang of guilt in her side, a pang of frustration. 11

Mattie continued with the silence, she had been hooked up to many cords throughout the room, a heart rate monitor was on her left and a feeding tube that was not connected to her mouth right now was on her right. 12

While Chris was looking around the white room, a nurse opened the door. She was a shorter and pudgy woman, dressed in her white uniform and white runners. Her cheeks were rosy and smiley. Her hair was cut short at the back of her neck, and she had a few loose pieces in the front just longer than her eyebrows. She tucked them behind her ear before saying, “How did you get in here?” Her focus was on Chris who was now crying. 13

Chris looked up at the nurse and she got up off her knees. They were red now from the hard tile but she didn’t notice. “I let myself in,” Chris said as she wiped her eyes. She had never been one for make up so she didn’t have any worries about smudging mascara or eyeliner. She was one of the few people she knew that was going to graduate high school in the fall that still found make up uncomfortable. 14

The nurse smiled genuinely, nodding carefully. “I suppose you didn’t read the sign when you walked in. All visitors must report to the lobby to fill out information and such.” 15

Chris nodded. She knew. She had been to the hospital many times to visit old relatives such as her grandparents and an aunt. She knew the rules; she knew the information that had to be filled out by heart. 16

Chris and her grandfather were very close and when he suffered from a stroke she was there in the hospital everyday. She could spend more than 6 hours there by his side, talking to him, watching him, just being there for him. Some days she slept there, some days she’d come early in the morning and just wait for the visiting hours to open. 17

Chris looked back at Mattie before turning around to leave. “I’ll be back, Mattie. I promise.” She forced a half smile and walked out. 18

An hour later, she was still in the waiting room, waiting for the lazy doctors and nurses to process her information. She knew that they weren’t lazy and they were probably dealing with an intense care patient who was on the verge of life or death. Chris felt bad for the people who worked in the hospital. How depressing it must be to always be lurking around death. 19

Chris hated the idea of death. Maybe hate was too strong a word, she just didn’t understand it. She couldn’t believe that a person could just turn off, disconnect, and just not work. It didn’t make sense to her, or she couldn’t imagine it. 20

She instead convinced herself to believe that you were everywhere after you die. Just not in a human or bodily form. You were now watching everything that you wanted. Living people had become your new TV. 21

Chris never believed in God. Her mother was a stay at home mom who attended PTA meetings and other things that were school related for her three children. She was always the one to volunteer for school field trips and chaperones for dances. Her parents had never taken her to church or synagogue, even though her mother was a Jew and her father was a Christian. Religion had never been a big part in their life. They believed in love and fate, a greater power but no sense of religion. 22

Her mother never talked about it. 23

Chris felt bad about this. She wanted to be able to grasp something about the greater power. She wanted to believe in something but, she wouldn’t tell her parents this because she knew that they wouldn’t understand. 24

Chris’s father never had time or a place for deep thinking. He was a lawyer, someone who had to look at the past in different terms, but never did he have to look at the world. Chris sometimes wished he had, that way they could discuss different point of views. 25

A new nurse walked over into the waiting room and called out, “Christina Kaysen?” She was quite young to be a nurse, Chris decided. She was Hispanic with a nice dark brown tan. Her eyes were wide and a deep bright brown that highlighted her face. She was almost glittering, her skin was so clear that she looked like she could’ve been a model. Her hair was coloured a lighter shade of brown than her eyebrows, that looked like they hadn’t been dyed. She had highlights of a pure soft gold that started in the middle of each side of her hair. The tips were gently curled inwards. 26

Chris looked up. She hated her full name and wished that she could put down “Chris” instead of “Christina” when she filled out applications and such. She didn’t mind having a boys name; she felt that it suited her. 27

“Come with me,” the nurse said in a tender voice once she laid eyes on Chris. Chris returned her glance with a nod and got up. The nurse’s name tag said Tatiana Belfer. She forgot to look at the other nurse’s tag, the one that had come up to check on Mattie earlier. 28

She still had her purse as they got into the elevator. She almost requested that they take the stairs, but decided not to once she remembered that Mattie was on the fifth floor. She didn’t want to walk that. 29

Chris took out a packet of gum from her bag that she was wearing like a messenger. She popped out a piece into her hand and then offered some to Tatiana. 30

“No thanks,” Tatiana replied, twirling a piece of hair within her two fingers. The elevator was fairly spacious. The two were standing on different sides of the rectangular moving box. The buttons lit up with a light shade of blue, Chris noted. She found it rather strange that after the easily twenty she had ridden the elevator she had never noticed that. 31

Tatiana and Chris walked down the narrow hallway to Mattie’s room. Chris pretended like she didn’t know where she was going, that way the nurse wouldn’t suspect that she had already come. 32

When they walked into the room, Chris felt the slight nostalgia that she hadn’t experienced the first time she walked in. The remembrance of days in the hospital with her grandfather and grandmother seemed to fill her mind. 33

Mattie was now hooked up to the feeding tube. Chris glanced at her watch, wanting to avert her eyes from Mattie. It was 5:00; she knew that she would have to go soon. She assumed they had something planned for dinner like they always did. Chris would come back to Mattie the first thing in the morning. She had to, this was her best friend. 34

Tatiana smiled a cute, almost fake smile. “I’ll leave you two alone.” 35

Chris nodded and Mattie gave a blank stare towards the window. 36

“Hey,” Chris said, pulling over a chair to sit next to her. She sighed, convincing herself that Mattie would be fine and that it was good that her mother had found her and everything would be okay. 37

For the first time, she saw a hint of Mattie’s smile. Her voice is what Chris missed the most. It was always gentle and sweet, soft but strong. Mattie also had a lovely singing voice. It was full of experience and laughter, and at times it was filled of sadness and sorrow. It was amazing how Mattie put so many characteristics into her voice. 38

Chris could never remember Mattie having an eating disorder. Or having any thought that she needed to be on a diet or that she had ever cared about her weight, she had always loved to eat junk food when they went to movies. Mattie was anything but a health nut and she had always seemed like she didn’t care about counting calories or anything. 39

Chris tried to think about her last boyfriend, her love of her life. Mattie was so easily attached to people, even the wrong people. And those types of people are the ones she has the hardest time figuring out how to let go of them; no matter how much they hurt her. 40

The new boyfriend’s name was Danny. He was a stunning boy, and with those looks he could have any girls’ heart and break it just like that. Mattie had been one of his playmates; an accessory to his ego. She was a looker as well; she could turn heads in the street. 41

He had been abusive, or so Chris had assumed. Or maybe he just wanted her to be skinnier than she was, which was already skinny. The last time they had weighed themselves was when they wanted to see how much weight that had gained when they had gone to Seattle together. It had been before the school year had ended, maybe during spring break… Mattie was at 120ish and Chris was at 130ish. 42

They were both equally pretty, or so Brandon had said, although later when Chris and him were alone he told her that no one could compare to her beauty, which made Chris blush. 43

Brandon and Chris met at the school library where both liked to spend their lunch hours. He was very aware of the popularity degrader of the library, but neither one of them cared, which led to them finding out how many things that happened to have in common. 44

They had been dating just about over a year, and then he was going to change schools for his last year of high school. But them both being the persuasive and stubborn teenagers they were, convinced his father to let him stay at Balmoral High where they had been going the past three years. 45

Mattie noticed the distant look in Chris’s eyes. She moved her hand on top hers. Chris looked back at her instantly, now aware of where she was, and almost sad about it. Mattie was so weak now, where before she had been so strong. Never had she been sporty, but she had muscle, Chris assumed she had just been born with it. Just like Chris had been born with none at all. 46

Chris sighed dramatically although not on purpose. This was never how she wanted to see her best friend. 47

“Look,” she said, sounding confident but warm. “It just kills me to see you like this. Do you promise me that you will never do this again?” 48

Mattie petted Chris’s hand gently, letting her fingers drape loosely over the palm of her hand. Chris nodded, now thankful that Mattie always knew the way to her heart, the petting. 49

Chris loved to be petted. It was a little loving thing that just made her smile. It made her feel loved, attached, everything that she wanted to be. 50

Chris stood up, gazing at her watch that read 5:45. She would need to be home for dinner soon and Sam was probably waiting for her to save him from the constant and concerned looks their parents were giving him. 51

Sam was Chris’s twin brother. They had the same tall slender structure, although Sam grew up to be 6’ 2” where Chris was 5’ 7”, but they both felt tall compared to the other students their age. They both shared the same deep green almost hazel eyes that were perfectly centered and symmetrical, or as far as they could tell. They also shared the same passion for drums, although Chris took it to a different level than Sam did. 52

Chris lived through her drums. They gave her a feeling of belonging to something bigger than her, bigger than the world itself. Music was all around them, although it took up no space, it was greater and larger than words, it was a feeling. 53

Chris used music and her drums as an outlet to describe her emotions. She also ended up writing song lyrics and poems to go along with it, although she had never liked her own signing voice. 54

Sam played drums for the fun, for the feeling to smash down on them, to beat them, like he had been beaten by the kids at school. 55

He took slightly longer to learn then the other kids sometimes, since he had dyslexia and couldn’t spell or read very well. He loved logic games but continued to get the numbers confused so he gave up. He always had these optical illusions of seeing numbers more than once, even at different sides of the page. Numbers could blend into other numbers and he’d need to look away for a while before looking back to see what number it really was. Fives could look like threes, but then randomly turn into twos if he didn’t give it enough time. 56

Sam loved to have the drums take on his pain, and eventually he joined a band. There had been a poster in their school for a wanted drummer and Chris couldn’t have been more encouraging. She wanted him to be in a club, do something with other people, socialize for once. And when he did, it was amazing. 57

He had this new sense of confidence, of happiness, of incredible infinite pleasure. He had become popular, something he had always secretly wanted as a guilty pleasure. He was no longer looked down upon because of his problems, but was now was standing tall and no one seemed to notice. 58

Chris left the hospital room slowly, making sure to leave a smiling impression as a last glance for Mattie. She wanted Mattie to remember Chris happy, so when she came back, she’d have the same expression and they could continue from where they started. 59

The dinner time air had a faint misty wind that brushed Chris’s shoulders gracefully. She assumed that the fall winds were winding up. She smiled at the idea. 60

Chris loved fall. It was her favorite season. Everything was in process of growth, of beauty. The way the leaves changed colours, dropped onto the ground. She just found it amazing. Autumn was the season of tranquility, of never ending desires and inspiration. 61

Mattie’s favorite season was spring, the opening it revealed to all of nature, the beginning of a new crop, flowers, everything being reborn. 62

Chris turned up the music in her car, it was the soundtrack to RENT, which she had loved deeply. Sam and Chris shared the rusty Volvo, each taking a week with and then without it. Chris enjoyed walking or taking the bus places. She usually only went to the library or random coffee shops along the street where she would read for hours and sip tea and the occasional latte. 63

But during the summer it was different. Chris liked to be outside, she liked to draw. It seemed weird but the only time she felt that her art was suitable was in the summer. Just the free and purity and stress relief the summer accompanied was enough to make her art enviable to the eye. 64

Chris mostly worked on canvases with the irregular attempt at her computer. She used oil based pastels as well as water based crayons to create scenes with rivers and oceans. Chris loved water, the colour, texture, sound. It was so soothing, everywhere. Water was in the air so she felt associated with it all the time. 65