Pluto Attacks

Unbeknownst to the astronomers of the International Astronomical Union (IAU), Plutonians are a very ill tempered bunch. Upon learning of the decision to expel Pluto from the solar system, downgrading Pluto from the ninth planet to a mere lump of ice, that may or may not have been a moon of Neptune, the Emperor of Pluto launched a full-scale attack on Earth. First they would take Prague, where the fateful decision was made, then the World. Every able-bodied iceman, woman and child would participate in the attack.

As I said Plutonians are an ill-tempered lot, quick to react, but slow to think. Earth’s temperature was never factored into the planning. When the attack came the people of Earth where unaware as the largest Plutonian Battle Cruiser is a mere three inches in diameter. It seemed to the majority of the people of Earth that they were experiencing a freak hailstorm, which quickly turned into rain and lasted more than three months. The rain of course was the melted Plutonian Fighter Ships, along with the Plutonians themselves. In the end the Emperor of Pluto’s dream of the destruction of Earth came to fruition with the total flooding of all of Earth’s landmass. As was mentioned, the temperature on Earth during the hottest season of the year wasn’t factored into the battle plans, so it was also the end of the race of the Plutonians. They all melted.

Doug (Garneau) from Canada, an astronaut stationed on the international space station, chronicled the Plutonian attack, or in Doug’s eyes the biblical like flooding of his home planet. Vladimir Gagarin, the Russian cosmonaut and Yang Li the Chinese taikonaut aboard the international space station, also witnessed the attack.

Doug, Vladimir and Li were in trouble. They had just witnessed the total destruction of their planet. They were now the only three remaining human beings in existence.

People react differently to all sorts of tragic situations. Vladimir resorted to polishing off his contraband stash of freeze dried, vacuum packed baggies of vodka. Doug the Canadian attempted to flip a toonie to see how many times he could come up with heads, which is a hard task in a zero g atmosphere. Li in the meanwhile ate her grief away. She ate and ate and ate. And then she ate some more.

When Vladimir awoke two days later from his freeze dried, vacuum packed vodka bender he noticed two things, Li, normally a slim fit woman was now a heifer, and all their food was gone. This put them in a dire situation indeed. Vladimir attempted to rouse Li but she had apparently eaten herself into a coma, and Doug was no help as he was preoccupied at trying to coax a coin to float back down into the palm of his hand. Vladimir sensing all was lost decided to go for a walk to clear the cobwebs and think of a plan.

After a refreshing space walk Vladimir returned to the space station to find Li awake and complaining of a stomach-ache. Doug from Canada on the other hand, normally a clean-shaven well-groomed Canadian, was now sporting a two-day growth of facial hair. He continued to stand in the same spot with an outstretched open palm, patiently awaiting the return of his once flipped toonie. Heads or tails would be a long time coming. Vladimir explained his plan to his comrades. Since Li had eaten all the food aboard the space station, and that everyone on Earth was apparently swimming in Davey Jones’s locker, the only sensible thing left to do was to draw straws to see who would sacrifice themselves for the greater good. Unfortunately Li drew the short straw and was made into a lovely schezwan dish, with just enough spice. After feasting both Doug from Canada and Vladimir realized they had made a horrible mistake. Two reasons dominated their mind.

(1) Procreation.
(2) They were just hungry again in an hour anyway.