Dear Diary;
A deadening heat has blazed the wide open country around me. Deep hazy gray mist boils from the ground below the earth I stand upon. This year’s rain never came, which has caused the Oconee River to evaporate to the skies above. Over the past four months the water has been leaving our Georgia lands, and now on August 20th 1942, the river’s blossom is dying. My years of farming my land have desiccated slowly. If it wasn’t for my ownership of this farm, I would have lost every drop of home. My wife has lost hers, for she died two weeks ago … from too much fluid in her lungs. Sad as I am about her decease, only adds to the ache over the loss of land beneath our feet.
Tom Hookins Bradly
A few minutes sailed by as Tom sat in his chair, half empty glass of wine held in shaky hands, eyes staring blankly at the open diary, beads of sweat marching uncontrollably down his face in formation. Even though the central air system was set to the coldest frequency, could not stop the four months of heat which made his house feel like a pizza restaurant. This heat was strange. Never before has the temperature been above 110 degrees, but the thermostat beside Tom’s head read 158. ‘Not at all normal’ Tom thought. This heat reminded Tom of how heat had disabled the dinosaurs. This scared tom, and again reminded him of his wife's departure. A tear formed, but he wiped it away, trying to remain strong. It was hard for many to remain strong. The heavy heated air caused the body to respond more slowly, made the mind week, and took the moisture from the skin, leaving nothing but layers of salty residue that couldn’t be washed away.
Tom creaked tiredly back to his chair after he retrieved the remote to the television, which took a minute to find. He stamped the power on with a slippery finger. Tom was then forced into a wild body tremor as the TV replied in a loud buzz of snowy fuzz. He eased back in the set of normal consciousness as he fixed the volume and floated randomly through the channels. As he finally paged his eyes to a single channel of news, did he find his consciousness moseying in and out of his brain, then with sudden forgetfulness, his mind lay down to sleep in full un-dreaming but peaceful rest, and didn’t wake till the sun went down behind the hills. As he rubbed his eyes awake, Tom annoyingly noted that his dog was barking from the back door.
“What is it now?” Tom yawned a yell, and bloated a stubborn but nice grunt, which followed him up on lazy legs as he dragged his tired feet to the door and opened it, the dog jumping on his clean pants. Instantly Tom knew something was wrong. “What is it boy?” “yip” “All right Pip, take me there.” Pip took off, but came back again, tail held under his hind legs. Something is wrong. Tom told himself.
Little light was left to see in the night. Tom had to grab a flashlight from the work bench in his back yard. A beam of light poured out the face of the flash light and ran down the slope of dry, crunchy grass land. He could see his dog in the distance; Tom had to run to ketch up with Pip, but continued to stay behind Pip’s paw steps. As fast as the dog ran, was as fast as the dog stopped, thus sending Tom sprawling. Both flashlight and Tom sputtered face first in the mudded earth. He could still here his dog behind him somewhere, but couldn’t see around him, so he struggled frightfully over the ground for the flashlight. After about what seemed ten minutes, did Tom’s hand grope the flashlight’s butt. Picking it up, he turned it back on with a vigorous shake, and passed it over the ground to find the growling dog. Tom was taken back and choked on a scream when he saw the body the dog was growling at. The dog began to pull the dead man’s shirt sleeve, and the body’s head rolled over to stare with half empty eye sockets. Horror flashed his mind at the gruesome sight before him.
Tom yelled with fear, telling himself to get up and run, but himself would not respond. He was so shocked he forgot about the gruesome smell the radiated around him. Then all at once Tom’s brain freed itself from that fear, and allowed him legs to run home to call for help.
Day light hit as the shirr if, Tom, the dog, and the police crew’s horses looked upon the rows of dead men in half rotted uniforms of ancient war heroes. Two hour later all the dead had been taken to the city morgue to be identified. It wasn’t till the next day when to saw the news forecast of what went on, and so it was said:
“68 civil war soldiers found by local mans dog”
Tom looked from the TV to look out the window … and … it was raining.
THE END
Author notes
This was a story that I had written for a contest, but then I found out that you had to pay for a reading fee, so I never did get to enter the contest; however, this contest let me write one of my best fictions yet.
It was a write your story based off a picture provided, when posted on here, it wouldn't let me post the picture with my story.
The picture was of and open pasture, there was all kinds of dead people laying around, three men where standing next to there horses, couldn't tell what the dead, or alive people had on.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I'm pretty sure dying of too much fluid on the lungs is pretty unlikely during a terrible heat wave, but hey, I'm not a doctor!
back yard=backyard
flash light=flashlight
day light=daylight
shirr if=sheriff
half rotted=half-rotted
Two hour later=Two hours later
I like the story, especially beginning with the man's diary entry-I could really hear a unique voice in that entry.
I found the end to be abrupt and somewhat unfinished. OK, it was really hot, how and why did the dog find the bodies of the previously buried or hidden men?
It could be that the drought broke causing a flash flood and washing away a bank of mud, or knocking an old shed down...something.
Also, although it is interesting in itself and I like that he saw it on the news on TV (but would have liked it to have been read in the newspaper) or shown when some annoying reporter came around which would have given some opportunity for interaction with others in your story...lots of ideas I'd have to help you polish it up :-)
This is good, polish away, keep working on it. Consider cutting TV flipping...could replace with him thinking and remembering things so I know more about the character.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 2, characters: 3.
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Is this a piece of flash fiction or a short story? I love it. Awesome job
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holly smokes:D:D
this is so coolllllllllllll
thanks for inviting me to read your works i am honnored so much imagery and description well done
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very descriptive keep up the great work
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Good start
I like the fact that this story was based on a photo - I find that to be an interesting type of project. Sorry you couldn't post it.
Overall I think you have a good premsie for a story. There is a lot of good description and other details which help the reader to get a strong mental image. I think you have too many run-on sentences - they become to long to carry the various ideas you want to get acrooss. You have a gift for description, so try to keep your sentences shorter and more succinct. There are also some grammatical problems which make the story a little harder to read.
"As he finally paged his eyes to a single channel of news, did he find his consciousness moseying in and out of his brain, then with sudden forgetfulness, his mind lay down to sleep in full un-dreaming but peaceful rest, and didn’t wake till the sun went down behind the hills."
This gets a little cumbersome and confusing. Break it into several sentences that are shorter and to the point.
I think you have a gereat basis for a longer story. After reading this my mind is full of questions - like how did the bodies get there? who were the soldiers? why is it so hot where Tom lives? It made me think, and the flow of the story kept me reading on. You should definately expand this. Thanks for an interesting read!
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Hey thank you
Yes I agree that this story needs to be expanded on. I was thinking about making it into a short novel, just to give it more detial.
Your opion i held very high, because, you were not rude about it at all. You were right to the point showed me what you thought, and i felt like you were there to help, not thrash. Which is good. I will look into the part you showed me, but i might keep it the same for now, i like it the way it is. I think it causes the reader to look more deaply into what is said, giving a twist and turn allittle, but i also want to see what other's think about it too. I will pass on the word to others about that subject you've brought up.
Would you like to write a story together. I think that It helps the writer focuss and have fun.
sorry my spelling sucks.
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Very good story. There was lots of detail in the story in each paragrpah. The only two spelling errors that I really found were; in the first paragraph where it says dieing, it should be spelled dying and in the 2nd paragrpah [This scared tom, and again reminded him of his wife departure], where it says wife departure, it should be wife's departure.
Overall, good story. I enjoyed reading it. Good job.
~~October~~
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