A connection, a connection that runs deep, into the deepest veins, burrowing its way in and fixing itself. That’s what happened one day. A gorgeous winter’s day it was. Clear blue skies. The slight warmth of the sun was radiating onto my bare arms and legs. A hint of a cool breeze, was teasing the foliage. As I approached the plaza, I saw, I felt something that couldn’t be explained. Never before have I felt such a instant strong connection to someone. My eyes hadn’t even come into focus. This person was too far out of my sight to see clearly, but as I walked, I was intrigued, fascinated. I couldn’t distinguish whether that this eminent spirit was a male or female.1
It was peculiar. It was like I was staring into my self, as if I was sitting there. It was as if I knew what that person was thinking, feeling. As I came closer to the outside café, this young effeminate man, fragile in many ways, delicate in many ways, but a shield underneath, a strong persona, something that can’t be explained, only felt. 2
He was sipping so gently at his coffee, lost in his own world, but his world became my world, our worlds were one, we has complete understanding of one another, of how we thought, of how we felt, a connection so deep it was like we were magnets. I was drawn to this guy, some invisible leash pulling me. As I walked pass I sensed something, as if he were feeling the same. 3
Once I returned from the shops, for some reason I was elated to see that he was still sitting there. Just sitting there, still lost in his own world. The peculiar thing was as I drew nearer once again the connection, the bond grew closer and tighter. There was an old man setting at the next table, he was just staring back and forth at this beautiful stranger and i, it was as if he picked up on something. 4
Once again my eyes devoured every part of him, every emotion. As I walked pass, I felt eyes burning into my back, it was quite overwhelming, I desperately wanted to look back, but for some reason I wouldn’t let my self. Walking back to my car I had a secret smile, that none one else knew. I had a feeling of being alive, of been awoken. 5
I found some one like me in every single way. 6
And at once I knew I found one of my own kind, a rare find, perhaps this eminent spirit and I, shall meet some other gorgeous day. 7
Author notes
This really did happen. I wasn’t overly attracted to this guy sexually. It was something on a much deeper level, which I can’t explain.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Poetic
I think you use beautiful words and they flow nicely in your stories, but I think this story has a more poetic feel to it than anything. Also, there were a few editing issues but nothing too bad. Good Workbeginning: 2, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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I just want to let you know, before I begin my critique, that I do not just comment on stories I read. I edit them, by letting the author know about things that are just plain wrong (I drawed a picture real good) things that sound really wrong/weird, and things that annoy me. In other words, I assume that everyone wants to become a better writer. I do not mean to offend, and everything I say is a suggestion, to be used at the writer's discression. If you don't want people doing somthing like this in the future, please say so on your page.
"I couldn’t distinguish whether that this eminent spirit was a male or female.1" Might be better said as:
"I couldn’t even distinguish whether that this eminent spirit was a male or female."1
Perchance you would like to add 'but it didn't even matter to the feeling' at the end of the sentence.
"He was sipping so gently at his coffee,.... I was drawn to this guy, some invisible leash pulling me. As I walked pass I sensed something, as if he were feeling the same. "3
A few things. "...sipping so gently..." might be less likely to confuse (at first I thought it was a run-on, I had to figure out it wasn't) if you change it to "...sipping ever so gently..."
"I was drawn to this guy,..." I have a tendency to say things prittaly. You, at least in this story, also appear to write elequently. However, your complex and beautiful language came to an abrupt stop and I was like, dude you shouldn't do that. In other words, think of somthing other than "guy" to say. For example, "man" gives us the idea of more of a stud, "boy" would denote a little kid, or you could go all manga on us an say "bishonen". Or somthing like that.
"...As I walked pass I..." should be "As I walked past, I" little grammatical error.
This paragraph is evil. At least the last sentance is. Thus, I shall just show the origonal, then the fixed version. Feel free to make your own judgement calls. Just not on the grammer. Actually, if you just figure out what I didn't like, and fix it, it would be great.
"There was an old man setting at the next table, he was just staring back and forth at this beautiful stranger and i, it was as if he picked up on something."4
"_An_ old man _sitting_ at _a nearby_ table _was_ just staring back and forth at this beautiful stranger and _I_, _almost_ as if he _had_ picked up on something." 4
By the way, I love the way you write. Very good writing style, good use of words (make sure you don't repeat them too often)
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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Exactly.
lol. me and my bf are like that. its amazing and I love him to death.This is a great story and very relatable. Loved it!
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Couple of spelling errors. Well not really errors they just need to be connected...like myself and someone. Things like that.
Great job
~Syren~
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