Haunting Regrets

Sleep eluded me as if often did. I tossed and turned and finally left the wooden villa my friends and I shared. I didn't bother to change. I wore my favorite la senza bottoms and a pink tank top. My curly hair barely brushed at my shoulder blades. It was a mess like the mane of the lion in those old MGM movies. The nearby villas were relatively desserted so I didn't think anyone would see me. I doubted anyone would care. Here they went to bed early and rose with the sun to go trekking with the elephants or to check into a spa. 1

I walked to the swimming pool and dipped my toes into it. It was warm. I didn't like coming here during the day, there were too many people. Perhaps I thrived on solutude or was learning to. I heard the crickets and the bullfrogs. I heard leaves falling like someone's footsteps. Stupid leaves! They fell like a knives falling from the heavens. They swooped down and scared the hell out of you. A fish splashed in the lake next to the pool. Thailand was a beautiful place. I looked at the temple like houses and the white elephant statues. 2

I heard a noise behind me. Those damned leaves. I turned despite myself and saw a man standing behind me. I was so surprised I fell into the pool. When I came out sputtering, I heard a laughter. A very familiar laughter. No! It couldn't be. I wiped my eyes and pushed my hair back from my face. I coughed but for the life of me, I couldn't think of anything to say. I just kept looking at him in disbelief. I haven't seen him in three years and god has he changed. He wasn't the skinny dork I fell in love with in high school so long ago. He had filled out taking a more manly quality. 3

"You want me to swim with you darling" He asked suggestively in that tone of his that was always reserved for me. It was an intimate possessive your mine and you know it voice. 4

"What are you doing here, Benny?" I asked, feeling self-concious. I always said his name while he always had endearments for me as if I was still his. I hadn't been his for three years. 5

"I wanted to see you, Vanessy" He smiled brightly, but his eyes held that vulnerability I remembered. The fear of rejection. The fear of being hurt and all sorts of insecurities I had put there. 6

"I'll get you a towel" He said and went to get one before I could tell him it wasn't nessessary. He hurried back with an almost shy smile as I kept staring at him. 7

"Come on, Vanessy" He coaxed and I stepped out of the pool, tightening the drawstrings on my pajama bottoms so the weight of the water wouldn't drag them off me. I was very concious of the way his eyes lingered over my body, almost undressing me. He held the towel open for me to step into and hugged me with it for a minute. The scent of him broght back old memories and my eyes teared up. He rubbed at my hair with a towel then ran his fingers through my hair. 8

"You cut it" he said in annoyance 9

He had always wanted me to grow my hair all the way to my knees. When I cut my hair, I wasn't thinking of him I was just looking for some sort of control. A desperate attempt for change. Right now his gaze devoured me like a starving man who has been seated at a banquet. His fingers trailed down my neck apsently and I blushed from his attention. 10

"Stop looking at me like that" I said, turning my head away 11

"Your my love, your the one I want, your mine, darling" He chanted, his arms hugging me and I felt like crying. I couldn't look into his eyes. The love, the abundance of it embarrased me. I wasn't worthy of it. He rubbed his cheek against mine. It was such a childish gesture I felt moved. 12

"Aren't you happy to see me?" He asked gently 13

"Of course I am" I said, sickened with myself for hurting his feelings like I have so often done in the past. Why do we hurt the ones who seem to love us the most? 14

"I'm just surprised that you came here" I said " I mean, I'm only going to stay here for three more days then I'm going home" 15

"Its worth coming here if I just get to be with you" he smiled 16

In every relationship there is one who loves the other more. Benny was always that person for me and I took shameless advantage of that fact. He could never say no to me. He succumbed to most of my demands and I artfully wriggled out of his. Four years together and I made them heaven and hell. He loved me more passionatly than I sometimes knew how to deal with. I grew restless and he grew distant. Eventually I left him for a man who didn't love me enough. He was domineering, controlling and made me ache for the tender way Benny always treated me. I also knew first hand just how cruel it was to love someone more than they had it in their hearts to love you back. It was a mistake I never forgave myself for, but I also knew that once you go forward in time, it was impossible to take a step back. Benny forgave me, but karma never did. It took perverse pleasure in showing me the error of my ways. Every relationship I ventured into had that pattern, I loved more than I was loved back. 17

I was starting to shiver and my damp pajamas were starting to itch. If I thought I looked bad before, right now I look like a cross between a nightmare and a drowned rat. 18

"Benny?" 19

"mmm??" 20

"I need to go change" I said and his embrace tightened. 21

"Don't go" he pleaded and his lips covered mine posssessivly. He kissed me as if he wanted to get inside my skin, with bruising intensity. He kissed me hungrilly, teeth scraping my lips and taking my breath away. I cupped his face lovingly and gentled the kiss, tenderly rubbing my lips against his. 22

"Marry me" he breathed 23

"Benny I need to go change" I said pleadingly. His eyes held that vulnerability and I felt helpless. 24

"I'll come and talk to you after I've changed" I promised in spite of my decision never to let him get too close to me. 25

"ok,I'll wait for you" he said 26

Waiting was all he ever did, I sighed to myself, feeling guilty again. I walked towards the villa and turned back to look at him again. He sat patiently. Who comes half way across the world to spend time with a person who refused to let them back into their lives. I always held Benny at arm's length. I didn't want to risk hurting him again. I always maintained a friendly distance. I walked to the bathroom, dragged my wet clothes off and stepped into the hot shover. I scrubbed my skin viciously to rid myself of the scent of chlorine and the bitter regret that seemed to have seeped into my veins. 27

I should ignore Benny for his own good. He meant a lot to me. I didn't want to hurt him anymore, but I couldn't help being moved by his gesture. I felt obligated towards him. Didn't I owe him something for putting up with me all those years and for the childish way I threw those years away? 28

I stepped out of the shower wrapping a towel around my body and looked for something to wear. I chose jeans and a tshirt. I blow dried my hair quickly, lined my eyes and slicked lipgloss on my lips and hurried back out to him. 29

He was still waiting for me like I knew he would be. He took my hand and led me to his villa. I sat down on the couch while he opened a bottle of water. He offered it to me and I shook my head. 30

"Take a sip for me, love" he whispered 31

I knew he wouldn't drink it unless I did. I took a sip and passed the bottle back to him. He took a drink then sat down beside me. 32

"Vanessy, marry me" he said and there it was the question I had no way of answering. If I said no, the guilt would suffocate me. If I said yes, then what happens? I was terrified of both answers. He lay his head in my lap, waiting for me to answer. No one should be that patient and that free of resentment. It just wasn't humanely possible, was it? Was it love? Was it lust? What made him hold on to me all these years. I didn't even know if he knew me anymore. He hadn't changed one bit, but I had. I cuddled him, feeling a rush of affection and tenderness for him. He reminded me of a hurt child and my heart demanded that I heal his hurts, especially those I had put there. Would it be so bad to say yes, just to make him happy? to spend the rest of my life being loved for a change?? 33