Breaking Down the Wall of Silence, Part 1

WARNING!!!!1

This story may containg some graphic discriptions and a few things that my upset you readers. Forgive me but to know me you must see this.2

She lay there, her hair streaming behind her head, a look of concentration on her face. Her mind was unwilling to allow her to relax. Thoughts of the day and the future ran through her mind, like a train that had no brakes. Her work was something that allowed her to pass the day without her going insane. She had been working there for over a month, and now it was to the point that she no longer had to think on how to do her job properly. Her mind wandered on a regular basis about her life, where she was now, where she had wanted to be by now a few years ago, and where she wants to be in the future.3

When she was younger she figured that she'd be married, have two or three kids and would be staying at home taking care of them. Instead she was working a part-time job, had one kid, but he was no longer with her, the paternal grandparents had taken him. She was engaged to be married, she was trying to become a writer but the writers block was taking over again. Here she sits writing this getting ready to tell her life's story to the world, mainly cause it's the only thing that her mind can spit out. I'll let you figure out if it's been embellished, or if it's all fact.4

My life began on May 24, 1986, in Owosso Michigan. I don't remember anything but what I've been told between then and when I was eight. But my mother, Julie Rene Farley-Morse, was a great one. Well that's what I've been told. My father, Darwin Lee Morse, apparently wasn't there as much as he would have liked I guess. But back to the story. My parents were in thier twenties, 25 the both of them. So now we are going to fast forward four years to June 14, 1990. Enter my younger brother. Don't remember too much from then either. (I said I don't remember too much until I was eight.) Okay fast forward again about a year. Funny yet scary part that I remember. I'm roughly five in this scene, I had been living in a two story farm house, literally in the middle of a corn field, at the time. My room was on the second story, nice view of the front yard. I don't remember why I had been looking out the window at the time, but I remember seeing a kitten, (we had feral cats that we fed), run into the field toward the combine. Me being the animal lover, and genius five year old that I was, tried to climb out of my window. Needless to say, bad move. Anyway I think I hung on my windowsill for about five or ten minutes before my mom realized I was being too quiet. At first I think she thought I was trying to play hide and seek with her. I don't remember if she screamed or yelled or what. The only thing I know is that the kitten was okay, my arms were sore and that mommy loved me. Never did it again though, adopted plenty of strays but never tried to climb out the window again.5

Okay yet another fast forward, three years. I'm eight years old, we've moved to Georgia, living in a trailer park, and still getting the strays. Now I still don't remember much, but I do remember the fact that mom and dad were always working. By this time my brother, Douglas Anthony Morse, Doug for short, was four years old and making a mess. I was going to school, coming home, (we did have a babysitter), taking care of my brother, (the babysitter was a neighbor that would check on us), cooking, cleaning, and in general practicing for later that year.....6

As much as I loved my life then, well what life I had, I always thought there was more than being Cinderella. Although there was always the hope I'd find my Prince Charming. Maybe I should omit this detail but to understand me, you need all the dirty details. I can't tell you the date but I can tell you that I was definitly still eight. The people that lived across from us (trailer park remember), had become friends. I can't tell you the mother's name for the life of me but I do know that we called the father Peanut. No I don't know why. They had two boys, Rodger, the funny one was about 16 or 17. Kenny, the one that this part kind of focuses on was 18. Still living with mommy and daddy, he seemed kinda cool. Until one night...7

We had gone over to thier house, the parents were all playing poker or something. Douglas and I had just tagged along rather than stay at home alone, Rodger and Kenny were watching us. It got dark out and Doug and I started to get sleepy, I remember hearing Kenny's mom saying that we could use the boys' beds. We had been asleep for a few hours I guess when I heard Rodger saying that there was no way he was going to share his bed with me. I think he was smarter than I gave him credit, but I woke up and walked over to Kenny's bed after they had moved Doug to Rodger's. As I began to drift off again I felt Kenny rubbing my side and shoulder softly. At eight years old I didn't know what it was he was doing. As his hand drifted lower along my body he started to kiss my neck and cheek, that was begining to wake me up, I started to talk but he shushed me. He actually reminded me that Doug was still sleeping. (I never thought I'd take the time to remember this stuff so bear with me. It hurts.) I remained silent while he stroked me, and yes that kind of stroke people. I remember him kissing my lips softly telling me that this was, "our little secret". Thank the Goddess for the innocence of a child. I fell back to sleep, but around dawn I left that house and ran to mine. I pounded on the door for 20 minutes before my dad opened it. I think I had shocked him, me standing at the door that early in the morning, near to tears. "Kenny touched me," The only words I got out before I began to cry. My mom came out after that, I remember her taking me into the 'adult' bedroom, having me take my pants off and her looking for any signs that he had molested me. Seeming how all he did was use his hands, I don't think there was much that could have been done, anyway who would they have belived, me the little eight year old or Kenny the 18 year old? I don't remember this myself but my dad said that my mom confronted his mom and came home with a black eye. Needless to say we didn't talk to them much. Though I did see Kenny again, he still kissed me softly saying that when I got older I'd be his and his alone.8

Now that I got that bad part out of the way, I realize that this is going to start sounding like a tragedy but this is the truth of me, Alexandra Eliza Maudlin-Morse. 9

Maybe I'll save the rest for a later time......let's see how you react to this first.10