The next night arrived. Felix, my brother, had finally fallen asleep. I had to take my chances and go then. I couldn’t risk hurting him. Or him getting hurt for my mistakes. It’s a complicated matter. He mattered so much to me. I lost a lot during the past month. He was my only kin. I had to protect him. Sad to say, that the plan I had in mind wouldn’t work out the way I wanted it to. 1
Surges of power could be felt from miles away. I knew it could only be him. He wants me to be there. He wants me to come. I had to answer his call. After all, aren’t I his creation? I had no weapon to grab. Sadly, the town that we now lived in had no blacksmith. I just have to pray that my powers will work. But against him, how could I know for sure? 2
But enough of the first person… Just gaze into your mind. After all, I’m just speaking into a tape recorder…Just to get you all started on the story. But now, the vermillion nights are growing thin. And I must retire. 3
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Yakhana ran through the forest leading back into Sarn’s castle. Her face was grave with the memories of her parent’s death still fresh in her mind. Quickly she gave a soft snarl and a curse. ‘He will be mine! His death will be my revenge. I don’t care if it kills me in the end. I will see him pay!’ She thought as she quickened her pace. Red eyes flickered at her through the brush. Yakhana let the demon pour through her. Bright azure eyes seared through the darkness. The cowardly animals turned their back to her and left her on her way. 5
Skidding to a stop just before the entrance something caught her in her tracks. An invisible force strapped her down to the ground landing with a thud. She groaned and looked around for an attacker. There was nothing, or nobody around. Yakhana tried to move, but still the force was keeping her down. ‘He’s watching. And probably laughing at all my ridiculousness. Ugh!’ Thrashing about the restraints only got tighter. And tighter still. Until Yakhana was nearly choked she stopped moving. 6
“Finally you have seemed to have calmed down my dear. Your strength won’t return for some time after all that entertaining moving around.” His eyes were unseen. Covered by brown hair cut in the middle of his face. Both of his hands were at his sides. One hand, on the sheath of his blade. “I figured you would return. For answers? Or has the demon taken control and has returned you to me?”7
‘The demon was his after all! Sorry to disappoint you, but control is almost in my grasp. If only I could show you…’ Yakhana tugged on the restraints once more. “Fine, I’ll ask. Just promise to answer them. That’s all I want right now. Why did you kill my parents?!” Rage was built up behind this. Anger swept through her eyes giving her power in her voice. More than she bargained for.8
“Don’t snap at me. I knew you would ask this. The answer is simple. Power. You’re parent’s held a lot of power in the world. I wanted it for my own. It was a good enough motive to befriend them and stab them in the back. Easy and clean.” His eyes came up. Golden yellow. Powerful. 9
Shivers ran down Yakhana’s spine. She did not like this feeling. It was almost just like that night. ‘He’s strong. Power just floats off of him. Why did I make the mistake in coming here…? Am I scared?’ “You bastard!!!” I just spilled out and the rage afterwards. Thrashing around with a newfound strength the bonds began to weaken. “How dare you just toy with peoples lives?!” 10
“How dare I?” He began to laugh and an awkward smile showed on his face. The golden hue of his eyes shimmered in the darkness. “I already told you why… Wait? My bonds! They’re loosening!” Surprise, yet, curiosity filled him. “She is strong. Her willpower is amazing. From her rage she can summon any amounts of power in desperate times. I must remember this.” He muttered to himself. “My dear Yakhana…” He began to speak as he released her. “If you want more answers. Come and find me.” Sarn turned around, a black cape flowing quickly after back into the darkness of the castle.11
Yakhana stood and dusted herself off. Short of breath she looked up towards where he left. “Coward. Couldn’t… come… and face… me now.” She fell to one knee gasping for breath. ‘Taking up the strength of the demon takes too much energy. I thought I had some control in this. Apparently not. Damn!’ Once she got her breath back Yakhana returned to her feet. With a grin she looked up and yelled, “Alright! Just keep waiting! I’ll be there to kill you! Get ready!” A door opened up before her. Baring her claws, Yakhana ran into the unknown. 12
Author notes
No critisicm. Please and thank you.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Okay, so here we are again. Some of ur sentences can be combined into one full sentence.
"I couldn’t risk hurting him. Or him getting hurt for my mistakes." could mesh into one sentence. that would definitely make it better. maybe look through your story for sentences that can be made into one instead of staying in two uncomplete ones -
I think this was good, and showed promise. Saying you don't want criticism doesn't leave much to say. I think that if you maybe said "Please only leave constructive criticism", you might get more comments.
I think that this story was good, and the plot is good.
