Fire spread across the mountain as the chief checked the clock on the wall. The certainty of the fire burning up all the houses on the mountain that the famous and wealthy had built was a fact. He didn’t know how much longer they had, the rising wind had started the fire burning much faster then they thought it would otherwise. His crew was busy trying to create enough of a break to give the occupants of the houses time to gather their most important belongings – like pets and maybe some personal documents and get the hell out of there. Instead they were arguing that the unit should be doing more to save their houses. Bobby growled in frustration as his phone rang yet again with another call from the Mayor’s office wanting to know why they hadn’t managed to get the fire under control yet. It certainly wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t control the wind conditions or the fact that the fire had spread to 100 acres before they had even been called in to deal with it. If some rich kid hadn’t been trying to impress his friends in the woods then they wouldn’t even be in the mess they were in now. As it was one of those kids was still lost out there. Bobby strode to the window and leaned against it. Looking down at the meadow spread in front of him. They had some 15 year old kid out there in the middle of forest fire. It wasn’t even likely that he was still alive and yet, Bobby couldn’t do nothing. He had to try and save the kid, no matter what it took. Slamming his fist down on the sill, Bobby knew he couldn’t ask his men to go out looking for the kid unless he went too. He turned back to the phone and stared at it. This meant calling and telling Sandy that he likely wouldn’t be home for awhile and what he had to do. She wasn’t going to be happy. They were already having problems in their marriage because of his long hours and dangerous work. This definitely wasn’t going to make anything better. If anything, it would make it worse. But it couldn’t be helped. Someone had to do it, and Bobby didn’t trust anyone to do it as much as he trusted himself.1
******************2
Sam slowly woke to consciousness lying on his back looking up, barely able to see the sky through the trees and smoke. He bolted upright when he realized the air was hazy and thick with smoke. Coughing slightly he looked around again, this time for his friends. Shock rushed through him – the icy realization that he was alone chilling him and clearing the last of the fog from his head. His friends had ditched him. He couldn’t believe it, how could they just leave him like that? Questions whirled around in his head, all of them unanswered and just making him feel slightly dizzy. When he pulled his hand away from his head Sam felt something sticky and looking at it realized he was bleeding. He must have hit his head, but he couldn’t remember exactly what had gone on. Pushing himself to his feet he turned in a slow circle, not sure where to go or what to do. The fire that they had accidentally started must be spreading; it was the only explanation for so much smoke. Touching his fingers to the cut on his forehead and cringing at the tenderness Sam looked around one final time and started walking in the direction where there seemed to be the least amount of smoke. He knew he had to do something. It was unlikely any of his friends had admitted to starting the fire; so chances were no one even knew he was out here. Even if they had there was a lot of mountain to cover and Sam wasn’t optimistic that they’d find him before the fire did.3
Author notes
Criticisms, reviews, anything and everything would be appreciated...I'm stuck on this one; somethings wrong with it but not sure what.
Anything!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
You definitely need to space this out into paragraphs; it's both distracting and easy to get lost in such big chunks of text.
You also may consider creating more of an emotional connection betwen the reader and your characters. Although I related to Bobby pretty well, I didn't feel anything for Sam despite understanding his situation. Maybe adding dialogue or more description of his feelings/personality/background would remedy that.
Although I'm pretty sure these were both accidental, the two most obvious things I noticed were, "Looking down at the meadow spread in front of him." which is a sentence fragment, and "Bobby couldn’t do nothing." which is a double negative.
This beginning is good and the story has a lot of potential, I hope to see more. :]
-
Your paragraph structuring needs work and some of your sentences are a little .. I don't want to say wordy because I don't want to sound harsh. I like the idea that you're going with here, it's an interesting one. I've not read many stories about fire that actually have peaked an interest in me. Yours has. I just suggest going over your sentence structure as well.
-
Good first chapter
You have one of the story's most essential ingredents (ieACTION) hanging right out there in the readers face and this is excellant. Every chapter and every scene whenever possible should contain action that moves the characters and the plot along at a nice readable pace. Both of which you have done here. Very good.
I think the feeling that you have that something is wrong with the chapter is attributed to two important elements here that appear to need further work. The first is the need for dialogue (something that others have already picked-up on) and the need to give a lot more depth to your characters (which some have eluded to).
First let me speak to the narration issue. At the start of a story, when there literally is a lot of stuff about the plot/characters/action/conflick to get out there in front of the reader we tend to depend way to much on narration and just feeding the reader this stuff. While this can be a very effective way of doing this it tends to make our copy feel longer than it is and dry from a character point of view. Both problems evident in you first chapter. Sometimes we can avoid this pitfall by throwing a lot of action and conflick at the reader to keep them interested and to a certain degree this works.
But as a writer we have to accomplish a heck of alot more from the storyline point of view than just provide some thrills and chills. We have to provide characters that are real and alive to the reader and a storyline that will changellnge these characters through some good conflict. You have done a very good job of providing the thrills and the chills although it took you a lot of long narration to get it. You can set the stage for your characters and for the plot line with dialogue just as well if not better sometimes as through narration. Generally whenever I am writting in the narrative mode I will always break it up every couple of paragraphs or so with some sort of dialogue, even if it is only meaningless dialogue that does not move anything alone (IE such as having two firefighters talking about a fight the night before with one of their wives). Dialogue is important to bringing characters to life and telling the reader an awefull about them.
Although you have done a good job of getting what appears to be one of the main characters of the story on stage and under the readers eye we still know very little about either of these characters yet. Since you appear to need more dialogue anyway don't waste it use it to get as many key facts as you need to tell us about these characters as possible. You have this guy deep in the shit of things right off, which is good, but we still know nothing about him. Not even the basics such as physical characteristics, his rank in the fire department, his connection to the scene, his connection to his family and the conflick you mention with his wife over being out in the field fighting fires again. While it is important to get your main characters on stage as soon as possible it is equally important that you take that opportunity to set in the minds of the reader who they are and what makes them real people like you and I.
You have set a bunch of really good reader "hooks" for the plot and all the potential conflict that may in fact be driving the plot (IE- the conflict between the firefighter and the mayor..the conflick between the firefighter and his wife..and the conflict between the fire and finding the boy)don't loose this in the rewrite.
Something you might want to try that will help in the rewrite of this chapter. Take a few moments and take your first crack at you prologue for the whole story. Sometimes for me that helps to clarify in my own mind about what it is I have to put up there in the first chapter. I do this because I carry the prologue technique one step further in that I write a mini-prologue for each of my chapters (this should be no more that THREE complete sentences) that helps me to determine what all I have to get done in the chapter. Just a little suggestion that helps me to know what it is I am trying to accomplish with each chapter in order to keep the story moving.
I wish I had written this chapter. Getting the action into my story whereever and whenever I can is something I am struggling to develop. Here you have done a very good job of producing reader catching action. Very well done,.
All of my comments above are provided simply and trully as comments of 'THE WORDS ON THE PAGE' and in no way are they intended to reflect upon the quality of your work or you as a creative artist.
Keep pumping out the words;
Paul
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 1, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
-
-
That was amazing feedback, thank you so much. I'd give you way more than five stars if I could. I love your suggestions. Thank you again!
-
-
I'd start a new paragraph at "Bobby growled in frustration "
Another at "Bobby strode to the window "
I could keep going but I know you well enough to do your own editing.
I could almost see Bobby ripping his hair out in frustration over the whole situation so not quite sure what the other person was talking about saying they could feel nothing for him. He was very real feeling.
I could see adding some more panic to the boy it did lack some emotion in that paragraph. You know what I mean right Monty? You don’t just wake up with blood and fire all around you and stay all nice a calm.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3, characters: 3.
-
-
hahahahah yeah ok you're right about that. No I'd be freakin out. I'll definitely work on that part.
Thanks for the feedback Ravie.
-
-
I like this. It's different. I would suggest breaking up the paragraphs as well, because long paragraphs make it hard to read. The language you used was good. I would suggest adding a bit of dialogue in the first paragraph, to break it up, and make the character a bit more real. Other than that, I think it was good. I think you have the great beginnings of a story.
-
-
Thanks for the help everyone, I'm going to work on implementing the suggestions and breaking up the paragraphs before I get back to writing on the story. I really appreciate the feedback!
-
-
Put a little more drama into it. I felt nothing for Bobby, I didn't really care what happened to him or the boy. Other than that, a good write. The wording was good, just perhaps break it up a little more. I found the paragraphs to be excessively long.
Peak and keep the readers interest by adding a little more detail and drama. Make the reader feel as the characters feel exactly. Make them feel like you feel when you write it. Maybe add some dialogue. You say that both your characters "had to do something." Perhaps elaborate on that feeling a little more, make it more interesting.
But, all in all, good. I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
-
Okay..
This story captues bravery and morals, which on your part was excellent. You should make the story a little longer and with more substance. For now it's okay, but with mroe of a story, it would ROCK. How about writing if he died (and how he died, if he did) or if someone saved him. Maybe writing about the cause of the fire would fire up this story. Anyways, good write and keep writing.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
-
-
Thanks
I appreciate the feedback; the story is still in progress so there will be more to come once I'm over my writers block with it. Good suggestions and I'll take the under advisement
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 11 of 11
