Dada and the Five Million Dollar Bet

“This song just doesn’t sound right,” said Dada, staring at his microphone in confusion.1

“What do you think it needs?” asked Kalm, fiddling with his keyboard.2

“I think it needs like, this cool effect on my voice,” said Dada enthusiastically. “Y’know, like I’m singing underwater!”3

“I don’t have any effects like that,” said Kalm.4

“Well then what are we gunna do?!” asked Dada in a panic. “We have to make this song awesome!”5

“Doesn’t Tim have a swimming pool in his backyard?” asked Kalm.6

“I believe he does Kalm,” said Dada. “But why are you thinking of swimming at a time like this?! We have work to do!”7

“Well we could use the pool for that effect you want,” said Kalm. Dada looked confused.8

“Go on…” he said, raising an eyebrow. 9

“We could record you singing underwater,” said Kalm.10

“That’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard!” said Dada, taking his microphone and grabbing Kalm by the arm. “Let’s go!”11

The two of them arrived at Tim’s house a couple minutes later. They all went into the backyard, and Dada and Tim watched while Kalm set up the recording equipment.12

“So, what are you planning to do?” Tim asked Dada, who was currently trying to steal Tim’s wallet out of his back pocket while he wasn’t looking.13

“Well, we were recording in the studio-” began Dada.14

“Don’t you mean your basement?” asked Tim.15

“Okay, so we were recording in my basement,” Dada continued, “and I wanted this cool effect on my voice like I was underwater. Kalm said he didn’t have anything like that, so we figured we’d just record me singing underwater instead!”16

“That will never work,” said Tim, just as he noticed Dada was holding his wallet. “Is that my wallet?” 17

“No,” Dada lied, putting Tim’s wallet into his bag. 18

“Oh, alright,” said Tim. “Anyway, I bet you five million dollars that this won’t work.”19

“Deal!” said Dada, grabbing Tim’s hand and shaking it. “You are totally going down.”20

“Okay, I’m done setting up everything,” said Kalm, glaring at the two of them. “Thanks for all the help.”21

“No problem buddy!” said Dada, patting him on the back and smiling. “Now, let’s get this show on the road!” Kalm lowered the microphone into the pool just as Dada jumped in, splashing all the equipment and the two men standing outside the pool.22

“How can such a tiny man make such a huge splash?” asked Tim, wringing out the bottom of his soaking wet shirt.23

“I have no idea,” said Kalm, turning on the recording equipment. They began recording the song, and both of them were surprised that Dada could stay underwater for five minutes without coming up for air.24

When the song was finished, Dada finally surfaced for air. Both Kalm and Tim looked at him with expressions of concern and fear on their faces.25

“How can you hold your breath for that long?” asked Tim. 26

“Well, I am a drag queen,” said Dada. “It should be obvious.” Tim decided he didn’t want to know and turned back to Kalm, who was rewinding the recording to listen to it. 27

Dada climbed out of the pool, searching around the yard for a towel. He saw Tim’s laundry hanging on a clothesline in the middle of the yard, so he went over and used his freshly washed sheets to dry himself off. He hoped Tim wouldn’t mind.28

The song had finished rewinding, and Kalm pushed the play button just as Dada walked back to the group, wrapped in one of Tim’s sheets. Tim looked at him, confused.29

“Are those my sheets?” he asked, looking Dada over.30

“No,” Dada lied, drying his hair off with the sheet.31

“Oh, alright,” said Tim. Everyone listened as the vocals came in, and it truly did sound like he was singing underwater.32

“That sounds great!” said Dada, smiling broadly and hugging Kalm. “You so owe me five million dollars now.” He smiled evilly at Tim, who just looked very afraid.33

“So I owe you five million dollars?” asked Tim.34

“Duh!” said Dada. “We shook on it!”35

“Can you please let go of me?” asked Kalm, whose face was being pushed into Dada’s chest.36

“Oh sorry,” said Dada releasing Kalm. “Sometimes I get a little affectionate. But I know you like that you homo.” Kalm pretended he didn’t hear the last comment and started packing up his recording stuff. Dada smiled to himself and was about to give Tim a hug when he realized Tim was no longer there.37

“Hey, where’d Tim go?” asked Dada. Kalm looked around the yard, but Tim was nowhere to be seen.38

“Maybe he went out for coffee or something,” suggested Kalm. 39

“Maybe,” said Dada. “But I think that might be an issue since I did steal his wallet just now.”40

“Didn’t he notice?” asked Kalm, raising an eyebrow.41

“No,” said Dada. “I am a drag queen, after all.”42

“I’m really not sure what that has to do with any of this,” said Kalm, packing up the last of the equipment. “Let’s go home.”43

Afterwards, Dada roamed the globe for nearly ten years searching for his long lost friend Tim, because he wanted to apologize for stealing his wallet and using his sheets as a towel. Eventually, he did find him, lying on a street corner in a cardboard box in China. 44

“Hey man! I’ve been looking for you forever!” said Dada when he finally found Tim. 45

“Dada…is that you?” he asked, looking up from outside his cardboard box.46

“Yeah Tim! Long time no see, ne?” he said, smiling.47

“I have something to give you,” said Tim, reaching into his cardboard box. He emerged holding an envelope. He handed it to Dada, who took it and opened it.48

“How much money is this?!” asked Dada, pulling out some hundred dollar bills.49

“It’s the five million dollars I owed you,” said Tim. Dada stared at him incredulously and then started laughing. 50

“Dude, I was just kidding!” said Dada. “No one seriously bets five million dollars!” 51

“I spent my whole life getting this money for you…” said Tim in disbelief, “and you were joking?”52

“Well duh,” said Dada. “Thanks for the money though.” He walked away just as Tim fell down dead – overwhelmed by the complete stupidity and total pointlessness of everything that just happened. 53