THOUGHTS: August 19th

My thoughts today…well right now I’m a little angry. I’m a little angry because I can’t seem to get on the internet (still have dial-up) and the screen to get on is not staying on and not dialing. So I’m forced to write my THOUGHTS on my hard drive where anyone in my house can read it. Not that I have anything to hide I just don’t like the fact that they know me and see me and if they read this will know what’s really going on in my mind. But you guys don’t see me and don’t really know me, not like they do, so I can say things on here that I wouldn’t even put in my journal in the table by the bedside.1

My husband thinks I don’t have any common sense so is always and this is his exact quote ’You’d drink with the devil if he offered’. Which means to me that I’m easy and easily deceived. I’m not but I let him think that. Makes him feel superior I guess. That whole ‘I’m a man and this is my castle’ thing or better one is ‘me man, you female, ugh ugh’. As if he really rules the house. If anything, and you people who have kids know this, the kid’s rule. It’s ‘mommy can you do this?’ or mommy can I go here?’. You know what I’m saying and if the children don’t then it’s the woman, unless you’ve got a real control freak of a significant other. I don’t know about the rest of you but I control the food and what is in the house, where in the house everything is put, what we do and if and when we have sex, make love etc…. That’s the way I control things. If he gets control over the money the rest is mine.2

Ok enough of the tirade on the husband thing. It all started with the Internet and here I am going on and on about control. What it is is I think my wonderful husband did something to the connection (and he knows I suck at the computer troubleshooting thing). So he took some control away from me.3

There I did it again.4

A subject that has been flowing through our house lately is death. Not the most pleasant subject to have in the house where there are three children running around trying to be normal (I don’t think my kids can be normal but at least they practice at home for the real world). My uncle died last week. My Uncle Cactus to be exact. I know strange name his real name was Johnny, Johnny Smith (Dead Zone guy, he’s not but it’s the same name). He had MS but he was such a wonderful character. He wrote a book and had to self published, but at least he had the guts to write one. It wasn’t about MS. It was called ‘Footloose and Fancy Free’. He rode with a gang when the west was being won. And I can’t remember if he rode with Jessie James or rode with Garret when he was going after Jessie. Well it was something like that. I really should get the book and read it. You’d think me being family I would have already done that. Well my uncle and I weren’t all that close. And that is strange because my family is really tight. I think I will get the book and maybe have my uncle be a character in a story of mine. Well that’s something to consider.5

The reason I’m going into this is because he’s funeral is on my birthday Monday, August 21st. I’m not sure if I like the idea of having to remember this funeral and my birthday on the same day but it’s really not my call. I can’t get to the funeral and I promised my grandmother that the next one I would go to. You see I missed hers. I was pregnant with my first and her funeral was two days after I had my son. Now I can’t keep that promise because of finical reasons. We are poor, not living on the streets poor but I don’t have a car and the bus tickets are terribly expensive. My family will understand but I’m not very forgiving of myself.6

Not only is my uncle’s death running around our house, my father-in-law is dying. He did it himself and we knew it was coming so we’ve prepared ourselves for that. He’s an alcoholic and he’s dying of liver failure. What is the biggest worry and please don’t think I’m cynical because we all think about it when it happens, is funeral expenses. My father-in-law or FIN doesn’t have life insurance or a 4o1K or anything that is going to help with the expenses. He does have plot and that will help. My husband has two older brothers, the oldest is also an alcoholic and we can’t find him. Not that he would any help; he can’t hold a job for more then a couple of days. And the middle brother is only out for himself. He is willing to help but only if he gets what he wants out of this whole deal.7

Here’s a little background on the whole family thing here. When my husband was nine his second oldest brother died. He was drinking and driving and wrecked his motorcycle. Well no one dealt with it. Mom and dad got divorced, oldest brother B. turned to beer and the second youngest M. decided that his little brother D. was someone he needed to beat up all the time. As you can see this is not a healthy family. Dad never recovered from losing first his favorite son and then his wife. The eldest brother B. lost his best friend and his father while M. slowly turned into a me, me, me only person. My husband, the youngest, was left without a father or an older brother B. to protect him. His mother tried to find herself after losing a son and that took awhile. Now she feeling guilty and tries to make up for it.
Since my husband found a family of his own he has been trying to connect with his father. It was going pretty well until now. He’s angry with his father for doing this to himself and to him. Lots of tension in my house right now. And I don’t seem to be able to help my husband.8

So what this really gets right down to is money. Money, money, money. It’s what makes the world go round. 9

This edition wasn’t entertaining and it wasn’t meant to be. I just needed to say something’s and I can’t say them out loud. So if you read this thanks for listening and if you want you can comment. If you just really want to rant and rave also I’ll listen. It’s pretty much what I do best.
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