"IA" no.1

It was dark. It was dark because it was late. It was late because that is when most good stories start. 1

Janice carried on staring at the street, or at least, she carried on staring at what she assumed was the street. What she actually saw was nothing. Every so often she wondered if she'd caught a movement (did some of the blackness just shift slightly? was that a tiny glimmer of light?) but these sensations were fleeting and time after time she was forced to decide her mind was playing tricks on her.2

No one was here yet but then they hadn't agreed to meet for another half an hour. Her nerves were getting the better of her, though and her eyes were constantly flitting towards the clock. Seven of them had decided to meet in the end; seven of them had been brave enough to risk their reputations for this chance. 3

Janice jumped as there was knock on the door and, peering through the peephole, tentatively opened it to reveal the blonde highlights and bright lipstick of her friend, Jenny.4

"I'm not too early am I?" she asked, in a conspiratorial whisper. "Have any of the others turned up yet?"5

"No, no, it's fine," Janice reassured her. "Nobody else is here yet but all I'm doing is waiting. To be honest I'm a little nervous." (This was somewhat of an uderstatement. Janice, not usually a nail biter, had all but drawn blood on the tips of her fingers in the past hour or so.)6

"Really? That's a relief, I'm absolutely terrified! I suppose we're...safe here? We won't be...interrupted?"7

"Don't worry too much, we should be fine. Tea?" Janice offered, bustling into the kitchen. After cryptic crosswords and Hemingway, entertaining was one of her favourite pastimes.8

"I'll have coffee, if you've got it, thanks," Jenny shouted through, scrutinising her appearance in the mirror. She had always been tall and she often felt self-conscious about her height, along with most aspects of her appearance. Jenny was a natural blonde but had highlights put in to prove how comfortable she was with this. Her make-up was bright and her style slightly eclectic: she liked to think she presented an image of herself as fun-loving and approachable. This image had been shattered all too often, however, when she had accidentally let slip a passing reference to Planck or come too close to explaining chaos theory. This was why she was here. For Jenny, along with Janice and the seven others held an embarrassing secret. Despite being, in every other way, an ordinary and perfectly respectable member of society, she was an intellectual.9

Janice re-entered the room carrying two mugs and handed one to Jenny. When she took a sip it tasted like charred cigarrette butts; she was half convinced that Janice made her coffee undrinkable on purpose, out of spite to those who weren't as fanatical about tea as she was. 10

Half an hour later they were all assembled in Janice's living room: Janice and Jenny, of course, NIgel, an ex-banker with a secret literary obsession, Sophie, a hairdresser with a hidden passion for Ancient Greek philosphy, Stanley, with his avid love of history and Daphne, in her last year at the local school and a secret political fanatic with her friend Ben, who privately preffered J.S.Bach to the Jam.11

"So, how does this work then?" Ben started. "I've never really been to anything like this before. Do we all stand up, introduce ourselves and admit we have a problem or something?"12

"I'll start," Sophie volunteered. "My name's Sophie and I'm..an intellectual." There was a smattering of applause around the group. "I think on some level I've always known - I'd ask my parents such probing questions as a child - but it wasn't until I started high school that I learned to hide it. I first realised it was becoming a problem when I...I'd hide books on Plato inside hairdressing magazines on the bus." Her voice faltered and only served to highlight the shocked silence that had descended on the group. "I'm here because I want to change. I want to learn to control my interests and lead a normal life"13

She sat down heavily and gave a weak smile. 14

"Well done." Janice said, leaning over and patting her on the arm. "That was very brave." She stood up. "Hello, everyone, my name's Janice, I'm a writer and semi-retired poltical activist and I'm an intellectual." Another smattering of applause. "I first realised I had a problem when I started attending dinner parties. I would worry that I seemed to run out of conversation on the topic of my holidays about as quickly as everyone else would on the topic of 20th Century European culture. It was just that...well, if I haven't even been on my holiday yet then how much can I really know about whether it'll be nice or not? And even if I have, who wants to hear the ins and outs of all the local dishes I tried? I don't even - sorry, think I got a bit off the point there. Never mind. Yes, I'm Janice, I'm an intellectual and I'm here because, well, this is my house." 15

Nigel stoop up next.16

"Hello, I'm Nigel, I'm a retired banker and I'm an intellectual," he said, slightly nervously. Yet another smattering of applause (please assume that when one of the group proclaims they are an intellectual, there is a smattering of applause until further notice). "I'm passionate about books and reading and I'm here because I'm worried that it's becoming a little anti-social and above what most people term the "proper" amount of interest in the written word." He sat down.17

"Hi, my name's Ben and I'm an intellectual. I play guitar and I'm in a band but, I only first got into music so I could play classical music. And it's not just that. It's fine art and opera and ballet and surreal theatre. I just get a buzz from culture. It makes me feel like I'm alive and I crave it when I can't have it. I know this habit is going to wreck my relationships, though and I'm even putting my education at risk." He paused. "I just don't want to be dependant on this anymore. I don't want it to ruin my life."18

Jenny took a large gulp of her third cup of coffee and set it down on the floor before standing up next.19

"Hi everyone, I'm Jenny and I'm an intellectual. I often find it hard to make a good first impression because I just can't hide my interest in science and logic. I have this compulsion to understand the world and it really becomes a problem when I can't stop myself explaining it to people. I thought if I managed to take control of it, I'd at least find it easier to hide but...I don't really want to have anything to hide anymore."20

There was a pause as she sat down and the group tried to work out whether or not she was about to burst into tears but, eventually:21

"I'm Stanley and I'm an intellectual. I'm a historian, as a matter of fact, I teach history at the local grammar school. Of course, my job does allow, even expect, a certain amount of "bookishness" but, to tell you the truth, I've started to wonder if I don't exceed the...required amount." He nodded pompously as he sat down. 22

Finally, Daphne stood up to introduce herself, the briefest hint of nerves approaching as she surveyed the rest of the group.23

"Hi, erm, I'm Daphne and I'm an intellectual." She paused briefly as she willed herself to find something interesting to say. "I suppose my main thing is politics. well, I'm a member of the green party, anyway, so it's not as if it's even just mainstream politics. I mean, I have plenty of friends with political opinions and everything, it's just...I suppose it's just the fact that I do something about them. or maybe it's the fact that I've thought about them. I'm not actually sure what it is but I'm sure it's not normal. So, erm, I'm here and that's it really."24

She quickly sat down. Damn it, she thought, why hadn't she planned what she was going to say instead of listening to the others?25

After half a minutes of arkward silence, Janice clapped her hands and said,26

"Right, well, I suppose we should leave it there for today, what with it being the first meeting and everything. We'll meet up next week but until then, we could all try to...find a more socially acceptable hobby? And see how much intellectualism we can give up." She considered this before adding, "not that it's a contest. Better to be slow and steady than...whatever else. Right, same time next week? Or should we try and change it round to avoid a pattern being seen?"27

"I doubt anyone'll really be watching us-" Sophie started but the rest of the group were already agreeing with Janice.28

"Right, then, Tuesday it is."29