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The cops bust open the door at 12:17.2
It was a little late by then, of course. I’d called them up at half eleven, but those fine men on the London beat had far more important things to worry about than a little domestic violence. All that was left of Kawayoshi-san by the time they arrived was a set of sake footprints, tracked from the puddle by the door.3
Well. All that was left –outside- the apartment, at least.4
Inside, it was dark. They’d had to force the door – no one inside was responding. In the pool of light from the corridor, you could just make out the edge of an overturned low table, a single origami flower crushed beneath the wood.5
“Mana-san?” She didn’t answer. One of the officers flicked on a light-switch in silence, and it was obvious why. She lay face-down near the wall, four thin bruises just starting to blossom on an arm.6
Author notes
A short story written from the prompts origami, footprint, and bruise.
Comments
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Wow
Interesting, especially once the author's note gave some direction as to why this was written. Para 1: "bust" probably isn't the word you're looking for- it isn't the right tense. Also, I'm wondering why, in London, people are referring to others by Japanese titles and names. That should probably be cleared up. I like the imagery of the origami flower, and the 'blossoming' of a bruise, which sort of ties it in to the flower. Very different, which is always a good thing.
language: 5, plot: 4.
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This was meant to have occured in a poor Japanese sector of London. Not a clue if such a thing exists or not, but big-city bad-grammar was the reason for 'bust' - keeping the first-person vocabulary of the narator.
Thank you for the crit, though ^_^
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