Joshua Manson stood at a distance from the crowd. He let the rain fall on him, allowing it to cover some of the pain he felt. He watched as men lowered his father's last victim into the ground. Gosh he hated it. Three boys only a little younger than him, stood close together, all three with somber faces. The tallest one he noticed was more somber though, almost like he'd been through more. It was time, time for him to apologize for his father's wrongs.1
He went to the tallest one first. Taking a hard swallow he said, "Excuse me, could I talk to you guys for a sec."2
The tallest one nodded for a response the three walked to the side with him.3
"Oh gosh how do I start, first off my name's Joshua, but you can call me Josh. Second I'm sorry for your loss." Josh said with sincerity.4
"Ok, is that all, I mean thanks for apologizing, but we don't even know you." the tall one said with a little bite to his words.5
Josh sighed, "No you don't and frankly I don't know you very well, but I do know the man who killed your friend. You see, he was my father."6
~~~~~~~~~~~~~7
The four sat at a round table in the diner, Josh had ordered a beer and the three each a coke. All was silent, it'd been this way for awhile.8
"So let me get this straight, Madman Manson, had been your dad?" the tall one, who Josh had found out was named Jaden Foster, said, still trying to sort out what he'd just been told.9
"Yep." the reply was not one of pride.10
"Did you know he was gonna kill Joel?" Jaden asked, not ready to trust the man, who was in his twenties.11
"I didn't know until I found out he was in prison. Do you know how he ended up there?" Josh asked curious.12
"I put him there." Jaden said.13
"You?" the look he gave Jaden was one, one would give when they thought you were crazy.14
"No offense, but my father was strong and brutal, you look strong, but not strong enough."15
"I'm stronger than you think I am. Trust me."16
Another one of the three spoke up, his name was Carter Minyet,17
"He's not kidding, he really is strong enough to take your father down."18
"Well, if your so strong then you won't mind an innocent thing of arm wrestle." Josh said with a smirk.19
"No,I don't think so."Jaden said shaking his head, knowing it was a really bad idea.20
"Come one, what harm will it do?" Josh asked, trying to lighten the mood a little, hopefully take their minds of the dead body of Joel.21
"I said no." and with that Jaden walked out.22
Author notes
This story is only at the beginning. Actually I just came up with it, it's a spin off of a story I did for school last year.
A contest entry
- Make me wanna read more!!!! by ChorusQueen11.
100 points, ended March 6, 2007, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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very good try to make a part 2 this was interesting,short,and creative. I liked it!Good job
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its a very good start.
i really like it. the way u worded it was really good, it kept me interested while i was reading it, and i like that.
its very good, i would like to read more very soon.
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I think the start is effective in setting the stage for the action. I would suggest a similar narrative at the beginning of the diner scene just to set the stage for the dialog to follow, maybe describe the setting inside the diner or at least the table area, maybe have them interact with a waitress briefly, something to develop an atmosphere for the setting.
Unless there is a reason for all the names to begin with “J” I would suggest changing some of them to cut down on possible confusion. I found myself going back to check on who was who during the dialogue.
The comment by Jaden of “I put him there” needs to be explained fairly soon after it being made or the reader is carrying the question with him of “how did Jaden put Josh’s dad in prison?
The relationship of the three boys and the man that was buried is not clear. Are they his sons, if so why the different names of Foster and Minyet?
Line 12 curious should be curiously.
Line 14 one, one
Line 21 unless I overlooked it we just now find out the dead man’s name.
Line 9 consider the following
"So let me get this straight, Madman Manson, had been your dad?" the tall one, who Josh had found out was named Jaden Foster, said, still trying to sort out what he'd just been told.
Your trying to squeeze to much information into this short comment by Jaden. Your trying to pack in 1. his quote “So let me…” 2. the fact that he was trying to figure out what Josh just told him. 3. introduce his name as a fact Josh had found out.
If you will settle the issue of there name early in the story and there realationship to the dead guy, then at this point the conversation will flow better. Also, put the “said” right up next to the quote either before it or after it, but don’t put the quoted material then a bunch of information in and then, said. By that time our brain has already supplied the said and it just becomes confusing. [which by the way is why in a two person conversation you don’t have to say “said” with each bit of dialogue - our brain supplies it]
“So, let me get this straight. Madman Manson is your dad?” said Jaden still trying to figure out what Josh had just told him.
I know this is long and perhaps a bit more than you may have wanted, but I think from what you have done here in the start of your story that you have an ability to write and therefore you may want your work to come across clearly with your reader.
“I meant it in a good way.” -crutch
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Nice
very nice I can only think of one thing you could improve on and that is you try to end a your lines you quickly. I know that the same could probaly be said about me but I just thought I would try to give a little help. Over all it is a great story very nice. -
cool
It sounds very interesting. I would like very much to read more. Incidently is there a reason a lot of the names start with J? Is there a something special about J or is it just your favorite letter?
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Don't Know
I don't really know why a heck of a lot of them started with J, but that's just how it panned out. Thanks for commenting and glad you enjoyed it. God Bless!
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