*Untitled* Chapter 1, Part 1

Elizabeth Bruxsa walked slowly down the cracked and worn white sidewalk; her steps were reluctant and careful. She could see the high school in the distance – a two-story tan building, with about six or seven smaller buildings clustered around it. The final bell rang and she knew that she was late for homeroom. Elizabeth sighed and sped up her pace. The last of the students were walking rapidly toward the front doors, and Elizabeth joined them, racing to the lockers that lined the main hallway. She slid slightly on the cheap marble floor as she grabbed her lock and twisted it to the first number in its combination. A few minutes later, she yanked the door to her homeroom open and stumbled into the classroom. Her teacher’s gravelly voice greeted her. “Thank you for deciding to finally join us, Miss Bruxsa.” She nodded apologetically and walked to her seat in the very back corner of the room. “Well, since Miss Bruxsa has found her seat alright, I can introduce our new student.” Elizabeth hadn’t noticed the tall, pale boy standing next to the teacher’s desk. “Class, this is Steven Chi-Chicatelio.” A few giggles flew through the class as their teacher struggled with the obviously foreign name. “Actually, my name is pronounced Stefan Chikatilo.” He had a deep, rolling voice. Elizabeth slowly raked her eyes over him. Tall, with long black hair and ice blue eyes that were surrounded by a pale face. He wore a white, long sleeved button-up shirt; open, with a dark midnight blue t-shirt underneath. She could see a hint of well-toned arms, and a flat stomach. His baggy black pants revealed nothing unusual about his legs, but they appeared to be muscular. Three girls giggled and whispered to each other in the front row. Theresa, Jennifer, and Ashlee. When Stefan began crossing the room, in their direction, the giggles and whispering increased. He brushed past them when they tried to get his attention, and took a seat next to Elizabeth. Ashlee shot her a withering look, and then turned back to whisper with her friends. The teacher began to take role, needing to shout over the din of talking students. Soon after he finished, the bell rang signaling the end of homeroom. Everyone rushed to the door, and flooded into the main hallway like a tidal wave. He watched the human girl rush to the door along with the rest of his new classmates. He took his time putting away his belongings. The short, balding teacher watched him with cautious eyes. Stefan smiled a little to himself as he hoisted his backpack onto his shoulder and walked slowly, almost gracefully out of the classroom. When he reached the locker he had been assigned, he turned and leaned back onto the cold metal. Scanning over the heads of many humans, he spotted the one he was searching for. Thinking for a moment, he kept his eyes on her. “Elizabeth! Hey, Elizabeth!” She turned, and he waved one of his hands in the air. She realized that he was calling her, and slowly began to make her way toward him. Elizabeth stopped just close enough to hear him above the talking, and gave him a questioning look. “Yeah, what do you want? I’m gonna be late for classes, you know.” He nodded. “I just wanted to know if you wouldn’t mind showing me around the school, as this is my first time here. I don’t know my way around, and I could use someone to show me, and I was wondering if you would be willing.” She rolled her eyes. “Look, why can’t you just ask one of the office aides to help you? They can probably do a much better job than I can.” With that, she rushed off and disappeared into the throng of students. He sighed and shook his head. Stefan stood upright and turned toward his locker. “This junk they expect me to learn with. To put my belongings in. I cannot believe that I’m doing this.” He sighed once again and placed his notebook inside. After grabbing the English Literature and Advanced Mathematics books, he then slammed the door and walked swiftly to his English class. Elizabeth slumped in her chair, scribbling notes from the board into her notebook. She couldn’t believe he’d talked to her, and that he knew her name. He was a total stranger, and yet he seemed so familiar. So familiar... The bell rang, snapping her out of her trance. Half of the class had already filed out of the classroom, and the teacher was looking at her curiously. “Are you alright, Elizabeth? You’re usually one of the first out the door.” “Yeah, I’m fine. No worries,” she said quickly. She gave the teacher a small smile and walked quickly out the door. He was standing outside the school, near the student parking lot, but hidden in the shadows. Waiting. He didn’t have to for long. There she was, walking fast out the front door. She looked occupied, deep in thought, concentrating hard on something in her hand. As she came closer, he noticed it was a notebook. A Black cover with aged and dog-eared pages, and some falling out. A sheet fluttered to the ground, but she didn’t notice and kept walking. He walked quietly out of the shadows and picked up the sheet. Before he even had a chance to read it, the page was yanked roughly from his hands and he looked up to see an angry Elizabeth. “What do you think you’re doing? This is mine, you have no right to look at my stuff,” her voice was full of anger. He spoke smoothly, trying to calm her. “I am sorry, Elizabeth. I didn’t mean to pry, you dropped it and I was curious. Please don’t be angry with me, we only just met and I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with you, or with anyone.” Her face relaxed a bit. “Well, I don’t think you did any harm, I mean, it’s only a stupid thing I wrote today, so no worries.” She grinned, and he smiled slightly in return. “Alright then,” he said quietly. They stood in the partial shade of a tree, and an awkward silence took them. She looked at the ground, and he stared at her. She was quite beautiful when she wasn’t hunched over a desk or scowling in anger. Long, silky, raven-coloured hair fell loosely around her slender shoulders, a gentle breeze twirling it around her head. Fair skin, unblemished and porcelain smooth. Deep, dark brown eyes, the colour of an eagle’s wings. She wasn’t very tall, but not quite short, either – the top of her head barely reaching his shoulders. She finally looked into his eyes, and took a deep breath. “I need to get home, it’s getting late.” He nodded, and looked over at the last of the students leaving the now near-empty parking lot. “Okay then, I guess that I’ll see you in homeroom tomorrow.” She seemed surprised that he had not offered to walk her home, but quickly recovered and nodded. She waved and slowly turned away. Not looking back, she walked leisurely away. When she was far enough away, and not able to see him, he started to follow her, staying in the shadows and well hidden from sight.

Author notes

This is a story that I'm currently working on possibly turning into a novel. I'm on Chapter 3 right now, and writing a little bit everyday. I'll try to post more soon if it gets good reviews.

Please tell me what you think, be critical if necessary.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5
  • Salt Therapy
    September 13, 2006

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    Sexy

    "His baggy black pants revealed nothing unusually about his legs" might need to make that just "unusual". - I think the phrase "A few minutes later" used more than once looks a litttttle funny. - "I'm gonna be late for classes" should be "class". - One section you say Steven, another you say stefan? - “This junk they expect me to learn with. To put my belongings in. I cannot believe that I’m doing this.” He signed once again. I thinks you meant sighed? - he then slammed the door and walked swiftly to this English class. to his english class? or did you really mean this english class? - scribbling notes from the board in her notebook. might sound better "into" her notebook. - a gently blowing breeze twirling it around her head. I think it should say gentle. -



    Great job so far! this is amazing. I don't personally think you went overboard about her. I think she sounds sexy! LOL.

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.


  • Sith Lord Alvarez
    August 18, 2006

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    Interesting

    I admire your aspiration for this story to be a novel because it could very well be and because I too want to write a novel . I really like your wrting style. You drew me in and kept me there. Keep writing

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • Dark Angel Reborn
    August 18, 2006

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    This is a very good story you've got going! I love your descriptions! I must admit i'm jealous of your talent! The only thing i want to point out is that each time there's a new speaker your supposed to start a new paragraph...other than that this is a wonderful piece!


  • August 18, 2006

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    Savory

    I love all the little details you give us, like how her notebook is old and dog-eared and how the boy's eyes are a radiant ice blue. That said, I think you went overboard when you were describing Elizabeth. I mean, 'silky, raven coloured hair' and 'porcelain' skin in highschool? What is she, a super model? And you said at the beginning she was in a hurry to get to school, so I would think she would look a little haggard. But apart from that, I have nothing to nitpick about. You write beautifully and the plot has my very interested. Why is he following her? What's going to happen? Is he an alien?

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 4.

    • Phoenyx Flames
      August 18, 2006

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      Savory

      Thanks so much for your comment! I was a little reluctant about posting this because I'm still in the beginning stages of editing it, but now I'm glad I did, lol.
      As for Elizabeth, the extra details about her physical appearance ties in and is sort of explained a bit later in the story, so I'm sure you'll understand why she has those features later on. Plus, in the beginning, she wasn't exactly in a hurry, because she hates going to school each morning, and is usually late to her homeroom. But thanks so much for your comment, I appreciate it. ^_^

1 - 5 of 5