This is a love story.1
It stopped snowing, and a fresh layer of snow, smooth and untouched from careless feet and reckless ploughs, lay on the ground. He looked out the window and for a moment felt calm. But she continued to march around like a German soldier, claiming various vases, rugs, and other variegating items (which he didn’t mind because only women like those little knick-knacks which serve no other purpose but to clutter precious space) and throwing them haphazardly into the suitcases he bought her in Paris. 2
She went storming through the house that day, and he could tell that she was leaving. She did not speak, but the house shook with her footsteps. And the drapes frowned and pouted and the sofa cushions shrank in terror because she was so angry. He was afraid of losing her but without an alternative, he situated himself next to a Rembrandt print hanging on the opalescent white wall and watched her leave; it hurt to see her go, but he couldn't stop her.3
She left. The door closed quickly, but some winter air managed to sneak in, perhaps to take a nap by the fireplace. The air brushed by him and he shivered.4
He watched her through the window. He felt as hopeless as the shriveling newspaper that elicits an enraged flame. She drove away, leaving naught but her footprints in the snow.5
**************6
There’s a bar on Main Street and a Seven Eleven (which has an entire aisle devoted solely to chewing gum and mints for the alcoholic fathers and wives who try to hide the whiskey on their breath before returning to their children and husbands). He went to that bar one night. It was dusk, and he admired the sunset before entering the painfully dim building.7
He opened the door to the bar. 8
Sober, the obscenities bubbling forth from the gruff, beer-bellied bar dwellers hurt his ears. One man tells his obviously Jewish stool neighbor that he has a big nose. Some worthless drunkards snicker. Wavering, he orders a drink. Disregarding logic, he theorizes that perhaps he can forget about the woman he loves.9
So He drank. And he drank. And he drank. He was drunk and decided to leave.10
When the door shut, the consistent clamor of vulgarity within ceased to reach his ears. It was now dark. He walked for a few feet and fell. He got up. He walked a few feet more and fell again.11
A kind woman aided him to his feet this time, but she knew that he would fall again. They all do. 12
Author notes
I am trying to employ symbolism. I want falling in love to be portrayed extremely pessimistically and cynically, so I am trying to make getting drunk and continuously falling to being in love with someone and losing him/her, but always being able to get up, falter, find someone else, and re-fall in love. I would REALLY appreciate someone (anyone!) contributing his or her ideas to help me get that idea across.
Thank you.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Heartfelt
The entire description of winter sets a really nice tone and foreshadow. I had goosebumps reading it and I felt the ice on my heart in sympathy.
The last line has me pause, though. "she knew that he wuold fall again. They all do." So I'm wondering if the woman is always loitering around bars to help people, or if it is a general theory towards men falling...."falling".
But I love this line: Disregarding logic, he theorizes that perhaps he can forget about the woman he loves.
Interesting little snip.beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3.
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Thank you very much; I appreciate your comment. I will work on the ending more. This is a very rough rough draft! Thanks again.
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good work
I would add 'when' in front of 'it stopped' put had between he bought and a comma after her. (1)
People get the impression she's leaving by her packing suitcases so "and he could.... 'isn't necessary.You shouldn't start a sentence with 'and'. There are too many 'ands' in that sentence. How do drapes frown and pout?(3)
comma after left remove the comma after quickly.(4)
Watch your tenses. It's difficult sometimes but you're jumping from past to present
the first sentence in paragraph 9 is confusing. comma after obviously.
remove the fullstops in 10 he drank and drank and drank. When he was drunk, he left.
11 is full of fragmented sentences.
comma after again not fullstop
The story itself is a good one. I felt bad for the guy but more description about the man and the woman would help make them more identifiable
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Comma Crazy!
Hemingway, Hawthorne, Steinbeck, Lewis, Austen, Crane, Whitman, Leroux, Flaubert, Camus- they start sentences with 'and', so I figure, "Why can't I?" Drapes frown and pout when a writer decides to use personification to describe them. I could put a semi-colon after 'left' in paragraph four, but I chose not to. I cannot remove the comma after quickly because that is a compound sentence; therefore, a comma is necessary because of the two subjects: door and air. Also, no comma after obviously. No comma after 'again'.
Thank you for bringing the tense disagreement to my attention. I need to review that. And thank you for the paragraph eleven fragment comment; I appreciate that as well. I do need to work on characterization in this story, as many would agree. I am much obliged for your meticulous editting of my story. I wish more people read as thoroughly as you. Thank you once again.
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Fine so far
This is all right as far as it goes. It has me waiting for more so that can`t be too bad. A little bit of technical adjustment at the opening perhaps: I would like the opening to read, The snow stopped falling. A fresh layer, unadulterated by traffic lay on the ground./ He seated himself next to a Rembrant print.
These are just little items but help put a polish on the finished work. Good luck with this. Williambeginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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The beginning stinks, I know...
Thank you, William. I am trying to fix the beginning. It is awkward! I am not sure how to fix it, but your suggestion is certainly better than how I have it written at the moment. I appreciate your critique.
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Interesting story.
You are a good storyteller with an unusual diction. I like how you portrayed the idea with such few words. I wish it were longer.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 5.
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Thank you!
Thank you for taking the time to read it. I am working on making it a little longer.
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Nice And Clean
I agree with Johnny. It's a good, short yet solid story. Your grammar is impeccable, though at times I did find your word choices a bit awkward. For instance, the very first sentence reads: It stopped snowing, and a fresh layer of snow, unadulterated by trafficking, lay on the ground. There's nothing wrong with it, but I personally would have said "unmarked by footprints" instead of "unadulterated by trafficking." It's totally a stylistic thing, and I think your manner of writing is completely legitimate, I'm just not accustomed to hearing people phrase things as such. More often than not, I like to keep things simple. The only the other thing that sort of rubbed me the wrong way was the tone, or lack of tone. I couldn't really tell what it was you were striving for this this; there simply isn't enough plot for it to be heartfelt, nor is there enough detail for it to pass off as a character study. The ending makes me think you intended for it to be saddening, a life lesson kind of thing about the downside of alcholism. But there simply wasn't enough about the main character or his vice to drive the point home.
I definitely think this could be a much longer story. And, I definitely think you have the skill to write it.beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, characters: 3.
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My word choice is awful
Thank you so much.
I found your critique to most helpful. I agree about the footprints comment, and I will change that in my story. My diction is quite strange at times. I need to work on that, try to be simple- like Camus.
The tone comment is interesting. As I reread this story, I did recognize what you mean. And then, I thought that I didn't even really know what tone I was looking for; therefore, I realized that that is quite a problem. I will work on that.
I also know that I need to work on the characterization of the man. Thank you for bringing that up too.
I appreciate your honest and insightful critique. I will return the gesture most surely.
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Very well written but the LOVE left the story!
You have talent with words. I felt her anger and like the cushions. Love is like that some times but you carry on or not. Waiting for another chapter.
We just had our 50th year anniversary but it has not always been smooth. All love has ups and downs. Maybe she will be back--unless drinking is why she left...
Enjoyed - you left so much for the reader to fillin.
Thanks for the read. Jackie
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Thank you!
I'm glad that you enjoyed this. Thank you for your comment; it is much appreciated.
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Excellent
I absolutely loved this story. I love the feeling that you created in your writing. I could feel it in my gut as I read this.lol Then I saw the irony in the end of this story about how the helpful woman knew that he would "fall again". I can see the relation between that and the man losing his wife. This was a very sad story and it was crafted very well. You really had my attention and I'm suprised you could pack all of that emotion in such a short story. Great work. I wish I could write like that. johnbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Yay!
I am very glad that you liked this story.
The funny thing is, I was trying to employ symbolism. I wanted getting drunk and falling on the pavement to symbolize being in love- a cynical, sarcastic symbol. I am going to try to get that across more clearly; however, in the end, the reader interprets the writer however he wants! Thank you very much for reading my story, John.
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