An Addict's Crime

It's not your fault. That's what I hear all the time. But I can't believe it. How am I suppose to believe that it's not my fault. It was my fault. But there's no way I can let anyone know WHY it was my fault. I just can't do it. And I hate to have to lie to them. I hate it. But more than anything, I hate when people lie to me just to make me feel better. Well the truth is, there's nothing that will ever make me forgive myself for what I did. Nothing will ever bring him back. There will never be enough tears, regrets, or shooting stars to wish upon to erase that night.1

It all started when I got invited to this really cool party. But to tell you the truth, there were only two reasons why I went. One reason was because Jon, my boyfriend, was going to be there. After all, it was his brother's party. Oh, his brother's about 20. Anyway, the other reason why I went was, well, I was a crack head. No, really. I couldn't go a day without coke. And all the crack heads knew that Jon's brother was a dealer. In fact, The Dealer. But only the crack heads knew. If anyone else found out, his buisness would be all over. So I bought from him and kept quiet about it. I look back, and I know it was the biggest mistake of my life. But what's done is done. 2

"Hey Jessie! What's up?" Kristan, my best friend, yelled from the deck over looking the driveway. I had arrived at the party and it was already alive with teens and alcohol. Soon it would be dark and then it would really pick up. As I walked to the door, I spotted Dee (Jon's brother)in the yard dealing to some kid. It didn't take long for him to find buisness around here. His house was up a private driveway, overlooking a pond. It wasn't like anyone could see the house or the party. But I continued toward the door. When I stepped in, I dicovered a lot more poeple inside. Music was blairing and the smell of booze and cigarettes lingered in the air. The house was big too. Yeah, they were quite rich. As rich as a doctor's pay could make you. 3

I met Kristan and Jon in the living room, where they were watching a drunk guy make a fool out of himself. I sat down next to Jon a he handed me a beer. 4

"Hey hun. Here, relax," he said and kissed me. He tasted like beer. Not exactly the nicest way to say hi to me, but I didn't care. I was just happy to see him.5

Soon, we were all drunk and dancing like maniacs. It was about 9:30 and I was feeling a coke craving coming on, so I went to fetch Dee. It wasn't long before I found him over by the buffet. He was piging out on cake and other goodies.6

"So what can I do for you tonight Jess?" he said with his cheeks bulging with cake when he saw me standing next to him, "Need some more coke?"7

"Yeah. Sure, what do you got?" I replied.8

"Anything, just show me the money and it's yours. You know the routine," said Dee. He was right I did know the routine. I had better know the routine since I had been his cutsomer for about a year. So I handed him a twenty and he gave me my share of drugs. I went to them bathroom to take them, then I went back to find Jon and Kristan.9

On the way back to the living room, I ran into Liz, a friend of mine who used to be a user. So got help though and went through one of those rehab classes and has been sober for about six months. She wasn't impressed to see me.10

"Hey Liz! What's going on?"11

"Jessie, are you high?" she asked. Was it that obvious?12

"Why would it be any of your concern if I was?" I replied.13

"Cause you need help, that's why. And I'm gonna help you," said Liz, very concerned.14

"Not now Liz, just stop bugging me about it k? I'm fine," I said. But the truth was I wasn't fine. No drug addict is ever fine. It's just a matter of time before they're dead. You know the saying, crack kills.15

Just as I found Jon in the all the chaos, I hit the climax of the high. Man, between the beer and drugs, I was majorly wasted. 16

"Jess, you ok? You don't look too good. Do you want to lay down?" asked Jon, very uneasily.17

"No, no, I'm fine, I just need to sit down for a sec," I was just able to mutter. 18

"Ok, here let me help you," Jon said as he grabbed ahold of me and put me on the couch. We both started laughing at my behavior.19

"I think you've had enough beer for one night," suggested Jon. But the beer wasn't what had done me in. I couldn't tell him what it was though. He didn't know about my addiction and he wasn't a user himself. Surprising right? I mean with Dee being the main supplier around here. Actually, he didn't even know about that. I felt so guilty about keeping it from him, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him.20

He kissed me and smiled saying, "I love you." But I was having trouble focusing on him so I closed my eyes. I attempted to say 'I love you too', but it obviously didn't sound anything like that because Jon just smiled and said, "Shhh, it's ok, don't talk. Just take it easy for a while." I felt like an idiot.21

It wasn't long before the high subsided and I was back on my feet. Jon and Kristan were surprised, but I wasn't about to explain it. So I shrugged it off and partied for about another hour straight.22

Then, at about 11:00, the music was suddenly interupted with Dee on a mic saying that fireworks were about to be set off outside over the lake. Everyone made their way to the yard where everyone was staring up at the sky expectantly. Jon and I snuggled as the display began.23

It was beautiful. All the fireworks choreographed perfectly with the music. At the end, the crowd burst out with wild appluase and cheers. My night seemed like it couldn't get any better. It was by far one of the best parties I had ever been to. Afterword, Jon and I went inside to the bar.24

"Are you sure you want more to drink?" Jon inquired. He was concerned becasue of my earlier incodent. 25

"Well, maybe you're right," I agreed. I guessed it wouldn't matter. After all, I wasn't suppose to be drinking anyway. Neither were just about every other person at the party. We were all under age. I was 4 years under age. Jon and Kristan and I were all 17. Just 17, that's all. But no one cared. As long as the cops didn't find out.26

I told Jon to wait where he was and that I would be right back. I was once again was going to find Dee, but I didn't tell him that. Thank God he didn't ask. When I came back, he was still sitting at the bar waiting for me. I hadn't taken the drugs yet. I don't know why, I just didn't. Maybe that decision was what saved me. In that case, I guess you could say that it was the smartest thing I had ever done. But I'm not so sure I would call it that.27

I could tell Jon was drunk. So I asked him. I took a gamble and just did it. To this day, I wish I had never done it. But I did. I asked him if he wanted to get high. I couldn't stand holding the truth from him any longer. I confused I had been a user for a while. But he was too drunk to think twice about it. I had pulled him onto it. He gave in. And I took him to the bathroom. 28

There was only enough crack there for one person, so I didn't have any. I let Jon use it all. Afterword, he said he like the feeling of being high. Then he asked the question I had been dreading to answer. He wanted more. So I told him where to get it. And that was that. He was shocked to hear about Dee. He couldn't believe it was his brother. 29

Then we went back to the party, where I found Kristan again. Yes, she was a user too. And she was quite shocked to see Jon try it. If he hadn't have been so drunk, he probably wouldn't have done it though.30

God, I wish he hadn't have been so drunk.31

Everything was going fine. Jon was enjoying the high, and we were making out. Then, all of a sudden, disaster struck. It happened so fast that there was nothing anyone could do about it. Jon collapsed. He was laying on the floor in front of me and all I could do was stare. Then, I screamed.32

"Someone help me! Something's wrong with Jon!"33

Silence. Everyone looked up. Kristan and some other people came running. I think everyone else was either too drunk or too surprised to move. Jon wasn't breathing. I called 911 about a minute after that. And the rest of the night was a blur. The cops came and broke up the party. A lot of people were arrested. Some for drinking, others for drugs. I wasn't though. But I feel I should have been. It was my fault.34

The next day I heard the news. Jon had died during the night. I guess he suffered a massive heart attack. They did an autopsy on him. What they found wasn't surprising to me at all. Lots of alcohol and crack. But what I found out next made me sick. Even sicker than I already was. Many other drugs were found in his body. Turns out that the crack I had bought off of Dee was laced with a deadly combo of drugs. But what puzzled me was why I hadn't dropped dead after my high earlier that night. And to think, that was suppose to beme in there dead. It wasn't fair. And it was all my fault. 35

The cops brought me in for questioning. I told them I should go to jail. That I was a murderer. But they said it wasn't my fault. That it was the fault of whoever laced the drugs. I told them I got them off of Dee, but that I didn't think he made them. He was just the supplier.36

They eventually traced the bad patch of drugs back to a gang in New York. A lot of people died fromit. But not me. I guess that Dee had sold me the of his last clean batch. But I should be dead.37

Of course I was arrested for possesion of illegal drugs and the use of them, but so was Dee. I don't blame him at all for what happened. It was me. I shouldn't have talked Jon into using them. But I got help, and I've been sober for about two months. But it's not good enough. I wish I could take back that decision. That stupid decision I made when I first tried it. And it's all my fault. Now look what I have to live with. For the rest of my life, I have to know that I am the one who killed Jon that night. I loved him so much, and I'll never forget him. But I'll certainly never forgive myself either. Because I'm the one that should be dead.38

~*THE END*~39