[*It's Positive*.].... The words rang out slowly, clearly, like a solid, heavy, object which has just hit the soft ground.
Mum looked at me with those eyes, the eyes of shame.
My heart shattered into a thousand peices under her icy glare.
"Well, we shall have to get rid of it", she muttered, "and quickly, before anyone finds out".
"NO!!.." I replied.
"Excuse me?," my mother said, "What did you say?, You think you can make this kind of decision? You think after what you have done you have the right? To make such a choice? I think not young lady!!."
"It's my baby and I have every right Mother", I said, "It's my body and I have every choice."
I winced at the thought of her hand lashing out at my face, but she didnt move, not a single breath, or even a wisp of hair, she just sat there, her eyes glazed, looking at me , straight through me...Then suddenly, they changed, the ice came back to them, a small grin appeared on her face, slight, but enough for me to recognize, the face of a venomous beast backed into a corner, defending all that it owns, its kingdom, to the end.
Coolly, she rose from her chair..paced the floor to where i was sitting, leaning towards me she whispered in my ear "Then my little slut, you will raise this child on your own, your name shall never pass from my lips again, you have no home, you have no family, you are nothing. She Stood, Staring straight at me as she stood tall, imposing her will upon me, letting me feel her hate. She turned slowly, and walked out the door.1
The Doctor, aghast at the events that had unfolded before him, looked at me with pity, i felt the warmth and sadness in his eyes ,reaching from his desk he gave me a small leaflet, "This number may come in handy if you change your mind, i could set up the necessary appointments and counselling if you chose this option, i am not pro choice or pro life, i am just letting you know what is available , and it is a life changing choice that you are making so spend a couple of days thinking about it and then call me to make another appointment okay?"
Okay i replied, the doctor placed his hand upon my shoulder and led me out of the office,"Do you have someone we can ring who would be able to come get you?," yes i replied, my aunt mae , great he said , ask at reception to be allowed to use the phone tell them i said it's okay. 2
Aunt Mae arrived to pick me up in her VW which was her pride and Joy, Hey babe she waved as i approached her door. I burst into tears, oh no she said, what has my bitch sister done to you this time , i cried pathetically and started shaking visibly, its okay babe, its okay, lets get you home , you can have a nice hot bath and a coffee and then we can talk okay? , 3
(still to add more but is late , will continue tomorrow .
Author notes
its about teenage pregnancy, which i can relate to as i was a teen mother, and well we will just see where it goes...
this is my first go at this so i would appreciate all comments, helpful advice, etc..
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Enthralled
Held my attention from start to finish, I could almost see the mothers face and hear her whisper.
I hope you continue with the story, will look forward to it.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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you don't need the ... you didn't capitalize the 'i' and you should explain why you're adamant about not having an abortion.
period after said then capital for "What... say?, you ditch the comma capitalize the Y, you've done this repeatedly. you don't put the comma after a '?' space after the comma and before but. not a single hair is enough you can lose the 'wisp of hair' ...Coolly. exclaimation point after 'you are nothing' capitalize the next word. 'She slowly turned'
I'm not a big fan of the ... unless it's leading somewhere or explaining something like an interruption to a conversation or thought.
other than that the improvements are noticeable and well done. Keep up the good work -
Interesting Idea
you'll have to watch your tenses here you're going from present to past to present. also you have to break up your paragraphs. to give more meaning when someone is speaking. My heart starts a new paragraph NO is another paragraph then when the mother talks again is yet another sentence. watch your capitalizations Excuse me for example. make sure all I's are capitalized when writing in the first person. comma after Then, my little....
I'd be interested in reading this after all the edits are completed. -
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could you have a look and see if it is tidied up okay?, sorry am trying to get it right, need to join punctuation class i think...lol...coralie..
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oh my gosh!... this is a beautiful story it is very nicely put together. It flows together very nicely. With such great depth to it, it is able to grab the readers attention and and cause them to want to read on. I think you should write another story similar, talking about maybe new events that took place concerning this, or your life with your baby and what happened between you and your mother. I think it would make a great story, and it would allow readers to keep reading to learn more of maybe your struggles, or how you got through such a difficult time in your life. It must have been so hard for you to go through this. i could never imagine responding to such a thing in such a way. I agree with you, it was your decision, your baby, so it was you choice to weather you wanted to bring that life into the world. I hope you are well. and take care. xMORGANx
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thankyou Morgan, not only for your wonderful comments, but also for your open mind and heart which are clear for all to see, this is my first go at writing but i am thinking of adding as i go....will see what happens and will keep you updated.....once again thankyou, love and light, huggies too...Coralie
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it was nice, great joB
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