Aren't You Supposed To Be Straight?

Aren’t You Supposed To Be Straight? 1

Ok so I’m standing in front of the mirror, I have just put my brand new dungarees on and the really cool muscle top I had just bought that day as well. It’s good but that new baseball cap makes it all come together. WOW, my brand new look. 2

It’s really late at the moment and I’m kind of in a rush. Thanks to the fact that the whole world and his wife appeared to come into the stupid restaurant that I work in. Damn work always getting in the way of…in the way of…everything. Right, expectations for this evening…none. All the men there are going to be straight and I’m most defiantly not into the woman thing. But still one must always make an effort. I almost trip over my new Dunlop shoes as I run down the stairs, after quickly slipping those sexy shoes on, I grab the keys and I’m out the door. I can feel the light breeze in my hair as I speed down the street at about…3 miles per hour. Not really one for running I slow down after about a minute and drag myself the rest of the way to the marina.3

I can hear the beats of the urban music as I approach my haven for the night. Music is my life. Other people find it hard to dance, me, I find it hard to stop. As I walk into the entrance hall of the Dockland I quickly check myself out in the mirror, yeah I’m vain, and then make my way upstairs. The Dockland is a pub and restaurant, I work in the King’s Head, it’s about half a mile away from here, and the sworn enemy of the Dockland. Downstairs, in the Dockland, is the bar and restaurant and upstairs is a private function room which is rented out to those with the big bucks. Most of the village is going to be here tonight and there are some rather fit lads in this village. You see I have this kind of fascination with…Chavs. I don’t know what it is. I just guess I imagine that sex with them would be rough and dangerous. That’s just the way I like it and I have had way too much of that soppy, let’s make love crap, to know that, that is not the way I like it. But anyway so far I have been unable to find my suedo-straight chav that thinks I’m attractive enough to risk fucking me when everyone might find out.4

The music booms louder as I round the corner into the hall way. Oh and there he is gays and gals, the one and the only Jason Donahue, the hottest, most fuckalicious dude on the planet, if only…oh so many nights of dreaming about that fine piece of ass. Anyway, I went off him because if you watch him, after a while you can see that he would be one of those soppy let’s make love guys, that gives you sex so boring that you almost fall asleep. 5

Walking into the room I am greeted by my pal, Marie, with this rather confidence boosting little phrase. 6

“Damn Dean you look fine.” Oh the joys of being me. Now I walk, with a slight bounce in my step, towards my older but not more mature friend, Sarah. In her late twenties, dare I say it, early thirties, she is still the party animal that she probably was fifteen years ago. After squeezing her in a crippling hug, we both wandered to the bar. I get one bottle of red Smirnoff ice and immediately begin sucking it down. The dance floor is crowded but not to crowded, just the way I like it and I can already feel my hips shaking from side to side, so I boogie walk my way there.7

The hard wood floor begins to taking the pounding of my feet as I let the music take control of my body. Marie has jumped to her feet and is dancing, well bounding, around me. Right, the legs are moving to the beat, now shake that booty. Swing it to the left, swing it to the right. Oh and don’t leave those arms out. Quick spin and oh my goodness, there they are, James, Martin, Dan and Ritchie. They were two years above me in high school, they bullied me constantly. You see I have always been a bit…gay…or feminine as my mother called it and everyone used to take the piss. Oh well over that one now. I bring my bottle to my lips and realise that it’s all gone. Ahhhh, alcohol, need alcohol. Speeding my way to the bar, I buy two, not one but two, bottles of WKD. Then whilst making my way back to the dance floor, I see a new guy amongst my bullies. Oh la la, a sexy chav. I have never seen him before, wonder who he is? He has to be straight though, look at the way he acts, damn his straightness. 8

I’m a bit tipsy now. I’ve been sipping from both bottles alternately. Carrying them as I dance in circles. I can’t help it but I keep eyeing up the mysterious chav guy. Wow, he’s yummy. Oh, wait, what’s this I have a man dancing next to me. I’ll just dance and not look impressed. Shake the bum, turn to the left and…Wait this guy, he’s the chav… Wait, what’s he doing? Oh my god, he’s dancing next to…he’s touching me…I think I’m gonna orgasm. Oh, wait, I hear laughter, I see people laughing, oh know, he’s taking the piss, that’s a turn off. Ah ha, have une plan magnifique. I turn, I smile at him, I move closer I put my arms around his neck and are bodies move together. Man, this would be so hot…if it wasn’t for him being an absolute moron. A quick dip and my hand moving up his thigh, I hear the cries of disgust from his mates. I turn around my back moving with the rise and fall of his chest, another dip with an arch of my lower back and there it is a familiar hardness, again the shouting, Oh my god, another dip, he’s as hard as a rock.9

I turn to face him again, he turns his back to his friends and I follow, he gives me a small smile and then picks me up by my dungarees. I wrap my legs around his waist and he tries to shake me off, his friends howling with laughter in the background. I squeeze as hard as I can. Suddenly he starts spinning around, I can feel the blood rushing to my head and I feel dizzy. It’s reminiscent of one of those days as a child where your older brother picks you up and spins you round, so much fun. Then he lets go and I fly through the air and hit the hard wood floor with a crack.10

Ok, my older brother isn’t that cruel. My head hurts. Ahh quick act cool, stand up and dance. Yeah, you can laugh I’m not hurt, I’m superman. MMM superman, spandex suit, tight. Hehe. 11

“Honey are you alright?” Marie is rubbing my back. 12

“Yeah, I’m fine. Didn’t hurt” Why is she rubbing my back? I hit my head. Duh. Hey hey all the girls are around me, rubbing me, oh the straight man’s fantasy, actually the straight man’s fantasy is a little more…intimate than that. Eww yuck, bad thoughts…Orlando Bloom naked, Orlando Bloom naked, Orlando Bloom...hello now there’s a nice image. I drink the last of the alcohol from both of my bottles and then just carry on dancing. I JUST WANNA DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY! Before I know where I am I’m walking back along the sea wall, Sarah at my side. 13

“Come on, come on, my brother is gonna be so angry!” she says now attempting to run. Lordy I wish I had a camera.14

“Don’t worry, Sarah he will be fine,” I said slurring my words just slightly. Then a ringing sound burst into the air. I can hear Sarah’s brother on the phone. “Shit! The keys the keys, we have to get the keys,” Sarah says turning around and dragging me with her.15

“Why? Sarah, we can get them tomorrow, in the morning come on.” 16

“No, no the keys, I need the keys to get into the house,” she said whispering. 17

“Why are you whispering?” 18

“I dunno,” she said in a barely audible whisper, “THE KEYS!”19

I once again find myself on the dance floor only now there’s no sexy music to sexy dance to…brief moment of sadness and then I’m whipped out of there as Sarah grabs my hand and we make our way back to her brother’s house.20

Oh my gosh, there he is again, sexy chav, stood outside the house. Quick Dean, compose yourself, one, two, three, pout. Yeah, I hate you, you nasty person throwing…most gorgeous man hunk chav. Must not smile…damn it. Sarah is talking to her brother as they walk into his house. “Sarah I’m gonna make a move hunni. I’ll see you tomorrow at work.” 21

“Ok, Dean, love you!” 22

“Love you too!” Now I’m walking back up the road to my house, thank goodness, my mum isn’t in, she would so kill me right now. Is someone calling me? I turn my head and there he is sexy chav man, coming up behind me, hehe, coming up…wait he is so gonna beat me up, now he is in front of me looking really menacing and so damn hot.23

“Yeah man, I’m like sorry for like chucking you on the floor, like.”24

“That’s ok,” I said with a kind of forced smile. A minute passes by of undisturbed silence. One minute of awful silence. Okay this is getting to me now, nerve wracking to say the least, if you are gonna hit me make it quick. Okay he is grabbing my hand, now it’s on his chest and he is pushing it down. I swear this isn’t in the definition of ‘I’m gonna kick your ass!’ more like in the definition of ‘I’m gonna…’ Oh my god my hand is on his penis…his big penis, I am so liking this. 25

“Do you want to come back to my place?” I say, god I’m drunk I actually have guts this evening. 26

“Yeah!” Oh my god he answered yes, fantasy is so gonna be fulfilled.27