Rachel's gaze fell upon the aging harbor, an interruption as she called it, along the rocky stretch of coastline, boasting a few modest estates and good fishing.
Richard remained hidden, standing in the shadow of a weathered trawler, the rising sun threatening to reveal his dark disguise. He felt the cruelty of a sudden gale as the rippling waves slapped
the old ships that remained. He despised Rachel's New World as if some jealous lover.
Rachel's ship disappeared, the horizon now an unfinished painting
to Richard. She had sailed away without him. He turned to go,
a prisoner of the valiant vessel, held captive by one very beautiful and beloved Pilgrim.
Rachel's ship finally landed at Cape Cod, Massachusetts
amid a devastatingly cold winter. Darkness lifted as they neared its shores, the long journey across the Atlantic ending. Cold and wet, both the crew and passengers were eager to start a new life, unaware of the struggles and hardaches awaiting them.
Boundless children eager to leave the ship; explored the shoreline with wide eyes. Their sense of adventure couldn't be diminished. Unlike their parents, they seemed fearless in the face of this uncharted land. The boys pretended to be pirates, searching for gold. The girls found each breath covered in winter's silvery white, catching snowflakes on their tongues.
Rachel had a tinge of envy, her own imagination having been marred. She remembered when Richard made believe she was his beautiful princess and he a knight come to her rescue. She wondered if she would ever be truly free without him, though she knew she must not torture herself with what was never to be. Their love appeared to have died the moment her ship left London's port, its ashes spreading over each lonely night, haunting her dreams.
She thought back to the summer when she answered her parent's desperate plea to come with them to America in hopes to be free. With a strength born of her own convictions, she refused to stay with Richard when England's oppression threatened to stifle their freedoms. Yet when she boarded the Mayflower, she was not whole, for her heart was left behind.
Summer 1621
As Richard left under the cover of night, both excitement and sadness coursed through him. So that his leaving wouldn't look like a betrayal or foolish whim, he left his parents a letter. He told them about Rachel and her sailing to the new world the year before from London's port with his heart. He planned to find her and take it back.
His mind was clear for the first time in years, unlike the city surrounded in heavy fog, disguising his tall lanky figure. Like a school boy in love, he made his way on the weaving, winding roads, smiling as he remembered an awkward young girl, pining over him. He never paid her any attention until a few years later, when other suitors lined up at her door. They also made her feel like she was a princess, and they her shining knights.
He forced his cramped legs to keep on running, fearing he would miss his rendezvous with the old ship and possibly the last chance to leave his England. The faces of Rachel and his parents were peeking over the harbor's misty brim. He was missing his beloved more than life itself, but the thought of never seeing his family and friends again, erupting in a fierce tug of war in which there were no winners. With one final look back, he jumped on board the waiting ship, tears in his eyes breathing a silent prayer, to a faithful God.
Harvest Time, 1621
Rachel's hair looked like there were strands of gold mixed in, falling past her slender shoulders, taking his breath away. Marcus's thoughts drifted back to when he first saw her on the ship sailing to America. He was much too afraid to speak to her, intimidated mostly by the looks her father gave him. Even after a year, she still had that far away look in her eyes. He planned to sit with her at the Harvest meal they would share with the Indians today, though the red strangers making him uncomfortable. She spoked with them too freely, so he made up his mind to find a way to convince her not to be so naive.
Rachel looked up then quickly down, catching Marcus staring at her again, making her feel very uncomfortable. He was very handsome she thought..... but he was not Richard. She chided herself, knowing she would never see Richard again and would need to move on. But there was no time to think of school girl fantasies with the big feast today.
Richard's heart was full. Seeing the rugged coastline ahead he felt as if he would jump overboard and swim the rest of way. He had no idea what was to be when or if he found her. The thought of her already married haunted him each night on the ship coming over. He would soon find out and thus prepared himself the best he knew how. His mind now fixed itself on the beauty of the land before him, which struck him deeply. The coastline still not under winter's full wrath was breathtaking as he was already falling in love with Rachel's world.
Marcus made his way towards the Feast on the road the Pilgrams painstakenly cleared the first month after landing. He was in his own world since having so much on his mind, including speaking to Rachel sometime today, hoping she would consider a future with him. He would make her a very happy bride, bringing pleasure to him but until that moment failed to consider she might refuse his proposal.
Rachel followed behind Marcus, careful not to be noticed. She too needed space to think, knowing full well it was only a matter time of before Marcus would ask her to marry him. She liked him but the pain of losing Richard was still so raw and wasn't ready to make a commitment. On the other hand she was a year older and most girls her age were already married. Maybe she would have to share her life with someone she was not in love with but would hope to be one day.
Richard knew God's hand was in all this. Someone knew who Rachel was from his description of her and one as beautiful as he described could only be Rachel. He found out he was only a few miles away from her, and he thanked God over and over for His faithfulness.
Marcus sat next to Rachel not believing what he was hearing. In a gentle way she was saying no to marrying him. He felt angry and hurt but kept his face like flint as she smiled and put her hand on his, sending a forbidden warmth coursing through his body. He barely heard as she explained feelings for a phantom love across the ocean. He had to get away from her and everyone else but as he started to get up, he heard the commotion.
A contest entry
- WRITE ME A LOVE STORY OR POEM. by robert davidson.
175 points, ended March 25, 2007, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I WANT A GOOD CLIFFHANGER!! by Taylor Renee.
145 points, ended April 16, 2007, 74 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Impress Me! (now allowing pre-writes, with new rule) by MDavid.
1500 points, ended June 4, 2007, 38 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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very good
A great story and period piece with pilgrims entering a New World on the Mayflower. And a wonderful love story where she must choose between two men. I enjoyed reading. Thank you for entering my contest.
Robert Davidson. -
on thing: hardache is actually heartache. great story.
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Excellent write your a amazing Author
Such a wondeful story so amazing with such love. We all dream of great love and living happy ever after. I am speechless this write was amazing I would like to read more of your writes (Lisa)
"arcus sat next to Rachel not believing what he was hearing. In a gentle way she was saying no to marrying him. He felt angry and hurt but kept his face like flint as she smiled and put her hand on his, sending a forbidden warmth coursing through his body. He barely heard as she explained feelings for a phantom love across the ocean. He had to get away from her and everyone else but as he started to get up, he heard the commotion."
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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a thank you!!
you have no idea how your review has blessed me. I was getting to point thinking I shouldn't write anymore! Maybe too critical of myself or just not patient knowing it takes time to write well. Thank you so much - more than you know!
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good
why was Richard watching Rachel leave? What was the commotion? 21 and 22 needs more detale of excitment and 23 needs more explaining....all in all a good stroy line.
and why did Richard get to name the day? Why did it stick to this day?
beginning was good,
middle was good
and end was good.
It just made the readers have to see everything there way instead of what the writer wanted us to see.
The impact is what it was really like leaving your love on shore as Rachel left on the mayflower, and Richard going after his true love...what great things did richard do because he went after his true love should be in there somewhere.
beginning: 2, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 2, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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loved it
Descriptive and historical... very, very nice. For its length, developed well. Everyone enjoys a happy ending... a classic theme, two admirers, but only one is "right' for the lady.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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thank you so much for your encouraging review!!
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love it! Really great! plus one of the main people hare my name so I liked it more...j/k I liked no matter what name.
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thank you so much for your great review!!
GO METS!!
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GREAT
GREAT WRITE. YOU ARE A VERY TALENTED PERSON!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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thank you so much for such an encouraging review!!
GO METS!!!!!!!!
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Cool
Nice job dude, cool story, I love it.... -
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thanks so much for taking the time to read my story!!!
GO METS!!
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This poem overlooks the qrim realities of this period. Friendships between the native Americans and the Pilgrims did not last a "lifetime," unfortunately. But, this is a poem that is meant to be a happy one and you tell your story with that in mind. Broken hearts need people to mend them.Many people died and starved.
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An interesting subject. Unique to me. Don`t think I have ever read anything on this theme before. On a purely technical point,the Mayflower is credited with sailing to America from Plymouth. I used to walk past its memorial stone at the harbour when I was a lad. I know it (they, was there not an accompanying vessel) were at london before finally embarking at Plymouth.
A couple of plces mad me pause and re-read to get the right meaning. You could perhaps do a bit of tidying up here.
The first paragraph is a little untidy,seems forced and unreal. It does not command readers to read on. If there was a mist over the harbout then the coastline would not be imprinted in her green eyes, that would also be obscured. Her faith dictated her journey?
Perhaps her faith (guarded, guided, protected) her on her voyage.
Chapter 2. What is the Mayflower`s long neck?
(deck?)
Why was Richard in dark disguise loitering in the shadow of atrawler. Surely he would want he to see him, to know that he was loyal and loving until the last moment.
The mayflower finally landed at a place later to be know commemoratively as Plymouth Rock.
You don`t need a semi-colon after
"Boundless children eager to leave the ship"
The bit about the red Indians. A typo here; She spoked with them.
There was one exception (Marcus) picking up the broken pieces of his heart.
This story will be worthwhile spending a little timejusttotidy up. It is a good read. -
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great review thanks
I want to thank you immensely for your review. I have just started writing short stories so I need all the help I can get and as I read your comments I went Oh yea, your right, or wow why didn't I see that so your comments are invaluable as I have a number of plots for short stories in my head so I can write them a little more knowledable. Thanks again! GOd bless! -
great review thanks
I want to thank you immensely for your review. I have just started writing short stories so I need all the help I can get and as I read your comments I went Oh yea, your right, or wow why didn't I see that so your comments are invaluable as I have a number of plots for short stories in my head so I can write them a little more knowledable. Thanks again! GOd bless!
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It was a good story, but I feel we don't really know Marcus well enough to sympathize with him when he is rejected. From what we know he hasn't even really spoken to Rachel until his proposal. We also somewhat know what Rachel looks like, but none of the other characters. I think they need to have some more development if the reader is the really feel for any of them.
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I didn't see it until now. You are right. thanks for your review and comments - they really help!
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awesome
very strong write. I would like to see the adventure in the new world go on. Great way to add the Christian faith into the piece. it touched my heart. If I could change something in the writing, I would change the fact of letting the reader know that Rachel is longing for her true love and will wit for him no mater what. marsabeginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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really good kept me reading the whole way through had a few parts that just seemed to break off a bit but overall very good
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Awesome
This is wonderful. I really loved reading it. It captured me from the beginning. Great writing. You are really good at this. Thank you for sharing.
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conceive freedon's child - I'm not sure what this means.
This is a really wonderful story. It sounds very true to the period but a few phrases seem a little too modern.
make a commitment
What's going on
I thought there were more but I can't find them now.
It says reveal him and his dark disguise. It would reveal him but it wouldn't really reveal the dark disguise maybe it would strip him of ... or something like that.
but the thought of never seeing his family and friends again, erupting in a fierce tug of war in which there were no winners. this needs to be reworded.
Again it is a wonderful story. I really enjoyued it. I was afraid you were going to let her marry Marcus.beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Good story. You have presented the characters of Rachel and Richard very well and described their emotions beautifully. I liked the way the feelings of the characters changed as time went by. However, in certain places in 'September 1620' and in 'Harvest time 1621', the point of view of the narrative changes a bit too suddenly between Rachel, Richard and Marcus.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 4.
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GREAT!
WOW! What a descriptive story. I held on to the last line. Take for instance:
"Boundless children eager to leave the ship; explored the shoreline with wide eyes. Their sense of adventure couldn't be diminished. Unlike their parents, they did not fear what lay before them. The boys pretended to be pirates, searching for gold. The girls found each breath covered in winter's silvery white, while catching snowflakes on their tongues. 7"
I was not sure about posting the entire paragraph, but I loved it so much I thought I would share it with others. I did not find much award ness in this story. However it was my first read. I will read it again for any errors. I like reading the first time just to read and enjoy.
If there were any errors, they were so minimal it did not inhibit the flow. At all.
Great writing here, Thank you
Katina
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Great description, flows, wonderful read
WOW! What a descriptive story. I held on to the last line. Take for instance:
"Boundless children eager to leave the ship; explored the shoreline with wide eyes. Their sense of adventure couldn't be diminished. Unlike their parents, they did not fear what lay before them. The boys pretended to be pirates, searching for gold. The girls found each breath covered in winter's silvery white, while catching snowflakes on their tongues. 7"
I was not sure about posting the entire paragraph, but I loved it so much I thought I would share it with others. I did not find much award ness in this story. However it was my first read. I will read it again for any errors. I like reading the first time just to read and enjoy.
If there were any errors, they were so minimal it did not inhibit the flow. At all.
Great writing here, Thank you
Katina
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now shut up
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awesome:
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this was a truly exceptional write i think we all have dreamed of a man sweeping us off our feet with such a love . loved every word
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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