EMotions of an American In Iraq(Chapter 4) Loneliness and Fear

Facing one’s fear1

Facing one’s fear is something we all live with every day. It might not be fear as in being afraid but fear of losing a loved one or the fear of getting hurt. This will never stop a soldier from doing what is right. It will not stop any of us from doing our job. 2

I think the fear we hear in our loved ones is the most damaging. That gets in the way more then the fear of dying. It has been said that a man that’s not afraid in a battle situation is a fool. Fear is what keeps you safe. I have never heard of any Soldiers and Marines refusing to do there job because of fear. 3

But a soldier has to be able to overcome the fear they feel. I am here to tell you that Soldiers and Marines fight that fear each and every day. The Soldiers and Marines win the battle with fear each time they face fear. When situations get really bad fear disappears and is replaced with duty. Adrenaline replaces the feeling of fear. 4

Training is the key to beating fear. If a soldier knows what to do in a situation they won’t fear that situations. The more time the soldier does a task the less they fear doing that task. I know Soldiers and Marines that drive in convoys almost every day and they don’t fear convoys. Some have seen friends die in IED explosions and they still don’t fear getting in a Hum Vee and leading a convoy. The old adage that practice makes perfect is true. Training is the key to beating fear. 5

When a soldier is put into a situation they go over the possible outcomes in their minds. The soldier takes each outcome and resolve that situation in their minds, they figure out away to defeat that outcome. So in there mind if A happens then they will do B. SO, if A does happen, later that day or later in that mission, they will automatically do B. Knowing what to do when something happens reduces fears. It is only when something unexpected happens that confusion sets in.6

The hard part is trying to ease the minds of those we love. This is something we can never really accomplish. Although we can ease there minds some, we will never completely stop our loved ones from worrying about us. 7

That’s alright; time can cure the greatest fear. Troops will be rotating on a quicker basis in the next few years. The one - year rotation is being looked at and will hopefully change within the year. Spending six months out of the year with your loved ones would do wonders to improve a soldier’s outlook. Even if the Soldiers and Marines knew they had to come back in six months. 8

Fear9

I know fear10

I sleep with it each night11

I hear Fear12

In my loved ones, that’s not right13

I see fear14

In the eyes of those I meet15

I live fear16

On this Iraqi beat17

I fight fear18

Each and every day19

I sooth fear20

When I can in what I say21

I calm fear22

In my loved ones when I can23

I beat fear24

I stood up and was a man25

Loneliness26

The one thing that is hardest for us to face is loneliness. Even married couples who are here are told not to spend too much time with their spouse. No sex allowed is the order of the day. Some things you can get used to, we call that the daily grind. But loneliness is not one of those daily grind things, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it and really gets you down.27

A soldier at a base that gets mortars everyday doesn’t worry about mortars all the time. In Mosul, we got one or more almost every day. Rarely did anyone die. It took a while to get used to, but I did. But I never got over the loneliness I faced. I faced loneliness every day. I miss my family a whole lot.28

Not being able to hold those I love in my arms is what really gets me down. Families keep in touch with your loved ones any way you can. The internet is available to most troops so it’s the fastest. But Snail Mail is always welcome. I love boxes or care packages, so do the troops. The troops get care packages from total strangers. Thanks to all of you who send the care packages.29

Telephone calls are still the life blood of the Soldiers and Marines. I have seen guys wait 2 hours just to call home. So calling home is something that the troops want to do. So if they are a little late forgive them, but try to be there if you are expecting a call. To hear the sweet voice of a love one can lift tons of weight off a soldier. 30

Providing morale calls is one of the jobs I do. That is the one thing that brings me the greatest satisfaction. For those of you that have been there for us thank you. You will never understand what that fifteen minute call means. If you want a lift just stand outside a moral call center and watch the smiling faces as they walk out. 31

Loneliness32

The mortars I can get used to33

I’ve looked them in the eye34

The convoys are still eerie35

When they’re done I take a sigh36

The dirt, the dust, the heat37

Remind me I’m not there38

It’s this loneliness that I can’t shake39

Until I’m once more in you care40

So send your letters and your e-mail41

Be there when I call42

Send a package and some pictures43

To lift me from this fall44

Under Attack45

Sitting in the palace one night at Mosul, the alarms went off signifying we were under attack. Civilians don’t have weapons and we all get together in one of the rooms in the palace. We all sit their and wait. The Soldiers put on their gear and go out to face the enemy. Mosul had been very tense for several weeks. The day before a police station down town Mosul had been taken over by the insurgents.46

The word came down that the hotel that over looked Camp Freedom had been taken by insurgents. From the hotel insurgents could see most of Camp Freedom. The Soldiers all group together and set out to retake the hotel that is just over the fence from the palace. Many of these Soldiers are good friends and people I work with on a daily basis. 47

A couple of hour goes by and someone comes and tells us, that the hotel that was taken was downtown Mosul, almost three miles from our location. That may have been the longest three hours of my life. The Soldiers had set up a perimeter around the base. The only shoots fired were warning shots at unsuspecting passing vehicles. 48

Soldiers in the Striker Brigade were sent out to retake the hotel. We didn’t lose any Soldiers that night and that was a god send. But Soldiers and Marines were lost almost on a daily basis in Mosul for about three months from firefights with insurgents. 49

Mosul was one of the hot zones for a long time in Iraq. But more insurgents died there than in any part of the country at the time of this upheaval. The Soldiers and Marines were the best and they proved it time and time again. Eventually, things got back to somewhat of a slower pace there in Mosul but it still remains one of the most dangerous places to be in Iraq. 50

Hotel Mosul51

The Alarm it sounds52

Don’t go outside53

The hotel has snipers in it54

The troops they load their guns55

And go out to face the devil56

I see hearts jump and tensions rise57

The battle’s been taken to them58

The Soldiers and Marines they don’t know59

What’s waiting outside for them60

The troops split up61

They take the hotel62

The battle is finally over63

We’re lucky this time no one died64

But tomorrow’s another day65

Let’s hope for more successes66

When I have less to say67

Children68

Iraqi children are just like any other children in the world. Oh what joy they bring to the Soldiers and Marines; they smile and wave as the Soldiers and Marines pass by and it brings a peace to the soldier’s hearts. I have heard stories of Soldiers and Marines buying toys and passing the toys out to kids.69

But for some reason that I will never understand, the insurgents use this interface between the Soldiers and Marines and the children as a weapon. They wait for kids to walk up to the Soldiers and Marines and then send in a suicide bomber to kill them all. How can killing kids help the cause of anyone? What good can possible come from killing children?70

If a soldier stops to hand out candy to the children and a suicide bomber walks up and kills the soldier and the children then it is murder. No one can justify this in any way. The people who commit such acts are not freedom fighters. There is no heaven for those that kill child on purpose.71

It is bad enough to use children and women as human shields. This is the fighting technique of a coward: we can’t defeat you, so we will make you look bad. They shoot a few shots from a building and then a few more until they get a soldier’s attention and then they leave. When the Soldiers and Marines attack the location they end up killing women and children. The women and children have been locked in the room. This is not an accident. The news media will be notified and Soldiers and Marines will suffer. 72

This is devastating to the troops; they feel as if they made a mistake. The truth is the Soldiers and Marines did what was necessary to stay alive and that is what we as Americans should expect of them. Soldiers and Marines have to be allowed to do anything they need to do to stay alive. Soldiers and Marines should not have their hands tied. 73

I some times think that I would be just like the insurgents if America was taken over. That’s why I was glad when they changed the status of a lot of the insurgents. Freedom fighter can turn their guns in and go back to their lives. They are classified as prisoners of war. Terrorists are criminals and face prison or death. 74

Children Killed75

Children died today76

While they were at play77

A bomb went right through them78

As if they were all clay79

Now I’m not a man that hates80

But it tears me up inside81

Because there is no peace82

When a child has died83

And there is no justifying84

Killing children in the Street85

These people are just monsters86

And for that they face the heat 87

I thought I might act like them88

If my country was attacked89

But only Satan would act like that90

Without the honor that they so lacked91

Take me home92

For the civilians here there are many reasons to be here. Some civilians want to make money so they can provide a better life for their family. Patriotism is still part of most civilians’ reasons for being here. It’s their way to support the troops. Some never had a war of their own when they were in the military. Most are retired military. Civilians that haven’t served in the military, prior to coming over to Iraq, see this as a way of serving their country. 93

All civilians don’t make the same amount of money. For example Army Air Force Exchange Services (AAFES) personnel make about the same as the Soldiers and Marines. The Kellogg Brown and Root (KBR) people make more and some contractors make even more. But despite the pay, personnel still stay for extended tours. They feel needed, wanted and appreciated. But like the Soldiers and Marines, civilians wish this was all over.94

Like the Soldiers and Marines they face danger ever day. The truck drivers go outside the fence every day without a weapon. The civilian security forces go outside the fence on a regular basis. Even the civilians that stay on base face mortars on a regular basis. 95

There are a lot of days I wish had never happened. Those days I block from my mind. Soldiers and Marines have told me about watching a friend burn up in a blaze caused by an IED. I’ve seen trailers destroyed by mortars. When those days come I want to just leave this place. In my mind I do go far away. I go to a peaceful place with soft music and butterflies. Any place is better then being here. 96

Give Me Peace 97

Don’t remind me of yesterday98

Help me block it from my mind99

I saw the devil’s eyes100

Dancing in that fire101

Please take me far from here102

Where butterflies still fly103

Where the sounds I here are music 104

Not the roar that’s in my ears105

Where I see children smiling106

And not dying in my arms107

A place to lay my head in peace108

With my family all around109

Washing the blues away110

The shower is my peaceful place. I get in the shower and just wash all my cares away. I think this is true for most Soldiers and Marines. For me the hot water relaxes me and makes me forget I’m still in Iraq. I don’t sing in the shower because I don’t want to offend others. The showers here are communal, meaning shared by many people. We do have walls and therefore a little privacy.111

A friend of mine was taking a shower one night when a car bomb went off not too far from where we were living at the time. Remember the shower is our peaceful place. The other people on are pad and me ran out of our rooms to see what was going on, thinking it might be mortars, when a guy comes out of the shower buck naked. “What’s going on”? There are several ladies in our camp and they get an eyeful. He stood there for what seemed to be minutes before he went back into the shower. He still had soap covering half his body. Needless to say we all had a good laugh. 112

Because of nights like that, it is hard to get to sleep. I take Tylenol PM to sleep. I’m sure others have their own methods. I know lots of people that only get a few hours of sleep a night. Imagine going a year with only a few hours sleep each night.113

Sleep is lacking here. Many civilians, Soldiers and Marines alike work 84 plus hours a week. To me, that is poor planning on somebody’s part. Soldiers and Marines should be given time to rest and recuperate. And the Department of Defense should not be giving out contracts to companies that require them to work 12 hours a day seven days a week for months on end. People in a war zone need to be at peak performance. 114

I was talking to a First Sergeant one day and he was telling me how proud he was of all his Soldiers. “We run over six miles a day.” I asked him how many Soldiers were on profile (injured from running). He said about half. I couldn’t help but wonder if he wasn’t pushing his troops too far. 115

There has to be a medium between to much work and not getting the mission done. I know the mission has to get done. The mission comes first. But there is some room for down time. Even a few hours here and there will do a lot of good. I don’t want to second guess American leaders; I’m just asking the question. 116

Moments117

The moment I feel most at peace118

Is when I’m in the shower119

The water running over me120

Brings back all my power121

The moment that I feel fear122

Is when I lay my head down123

Will it be my last night124

Will I wake with nary a sound125

The moment I feel most at home126

Is when I’m on the telephone127

Hearing your sweet voice128

Knowing I’ll soon be home129

My day is full of feelings130

Some are good and some are bad131

But it’s my loved ones that I miss most132

And missing them - that makes me sad133