Sadism

‘You do realize what your doing to yourself. Right?’1

Her eyes portrayed so much love and hurt all at once I could almost feel happy.2

‘ I do what I do for a reason. Why is it all of a sudden you care about me again?’3

She looked at me. Shocked that I had even spoken such a thing. Her warm and compassionate feeling switched to a zombie like state. Just devoid of feeling. She didn’t say anything, only flustered her hands a bit and walked back into the other room.4

I continued on with my proceedings. Applying bandages and wraps to my arm. In a n attempt to make the bleeding stop. 5

She came back in to the room. This time a look of anger adorned her face.6

‘ why the fuck do you feel the need to be such a hard ass all of the time? Do you honestly think I love you only because you risk your life all the time?’7

I didn’t have an answer, so I sat their looking at my hand and continued.8

‘ Answer me god damnit!’9

She was getting furious. Not like I cared. She never really was that important to me. Making claims of how she loved me and how I was her one.10

I was never good enough for her and she knew it. 11

After standing in the doorway of my room, she walked over and sat down on my bed next to me. Placing her hand on mine, and trying to look me in the eyes.12

‘Why?’13

‘why what?’ 14

‘ Why are you doing this to yourself? What is it that makes you want this? I love you for who you are, you don’t need to change for me.’15

She was almost in tears.16

‘ your just killing yourself. Your not eating. Your not sleeping. All you do is go out and come home with more cuts and bruises.’17

At this point she was balling.18

I stopped for a moment and looked over at her.19

She was kind of beautiful.20

Her long brown hair pulled back into a low ponytail. Her amber eyes just rippling from holding back her tears. Her face flushed.21

‘ why the fuck do you even care? All you ever do is go and fuck some other guy. You say you don’t want to be tied down in a relation ship, yet you tell me you love me. What kind of mind fuck is that?’22

That was the last straw.23

She began to cry and ran away from me.24

I heard the bathroom door shut, and she turned on the faucet to help mask the sound of her sobbing.25

I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Finding nothing of interest I went back to my room. I started to put on my cloths.26

My black beater shirt.27

My favorite pants with the baggy legs.28

I didn’t bother with shoes because the pant legs hide my feet.29

I grabbed my jacket and went out the door.30

As I walked down the hallway part of me wanted to go back. Then again part of me wanted her to come running down the hallway telling me to wait. 31

Either way, neither one was going to happen.32

This time.. I came back a mess.33

I opened the door in a silent manner, and surprise, her shoes were gone along with her jacket.34

I wanted to think that maybe she went out to look for me, but I knew better. She was out ‘ having fun’ and living up her single status in life. Like she does when ever we weren’t together.35

I walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror.36

A sad face looked back at me. I couldn’t even recognize it.37

A bleeding nose accompanied the split lip, and the dark rings under the left eye indicated a life of violence. It indicated nothing.38

I washed off the blood and grinned at myself. I raised my right arm and began to flex my bicep and was kind of pleased to see how large it was getting. I took off my shirt and began to admire myself. The long worm like scar adorned the center of my chest, right where my sternum is. I looked at it for a moment and closed my eyes. I ran my index finger along it and I could feel what it embodied. Pure Hatred. I opened my eyes again and saw myself looking back at me. The dirt was ground into my flesh where I fell, one of my nipple rings was partially ripped out and the blood had already scabbed around it. I splashed some water on my face and looked at my muscles some more. I stood their posing and flexing, looking in disgust. “ she doesn’t love you.’ was all I muttered and I walked out of the bathroom.39

I opened a can of some energy drink and went back to my room. I sat down on the bed and put on a cd.40

I laid down on the sheets. The bed hasn’t been made in a week but it felt so good to just lay down on the wrinkled sheets. I sat up and reached in my pocket and pulled out my cigarettes. I lit one up and stared at the empty hallway. I inhaled deeply and just kind of let everything go. I laid down on my back and looked at the ceiling. The pleasing sound of Fear Factory filled my ears. I shot up and realized that this isn’t what I needed. I walked over to my cd wallet that was sitting on the floor and picked it up. I flipped through a bunch of cd’s and finally decided on one of my favorites. As I pulled it from its sleeve I could already hear its impression of sound in my head. I replaced the cd with the Agony Scene and sat back down. The smoke felt good but I couldn’t finish it so I put it out on the tray and fell onto the bed. I began to drift in and out. I didn’t bother taking off my pants nor did I bother to grab a pillow. 41

I woke up and looked at the clock… 4:30 am. I got up and decided I should check my phone. I walked into the kitchen area and unplugged it. 7 missed calls flashed on the screen.. I flipped open the phone and checked the voicemail. “you have two new messages, no saved messages..” I skipped past and began to listen to them. ‘ Look ….I’m sorry.. I just don’t know what I want right now and its really confusing…” I stopped listening. I stopped caring. The other message was for the upcoming week. I cant wait to get away from this. I put the phone down and began to take a shower. My phone rang but I didn’t bother to get out to grab it. I cleaned off. All the blood and the dirt. It was kind of refreshing. I walked out of the bathroom about 30 mins later and sure enough I heard the front door shut…42

‘Brandon?’43

She walked in and saw me just coming out of the shower, the only towel I had was drying my head and face. She walked up to me with kind of a confused half smiling half worried look on her face.44

‘what happened?’ as she saw the chaffed flesh on my chest and the slit in my lip.45

‘ you know what happened.’ and with that I went back into my room.46

I shut my door and threw my towel on the floor.47

I opened up my pack of cigs and light another one. She came up and started to open the door, but I put my hand on it before she could. I could smell it. I could smell the alcohol the smoke and everything else I didn’t want to think about her doing. It was so strong I tasted it. I slipped on a pair of boxers and opened the door. She was standing in the hallway expecting me.48

‘ Are you ok?’ again her voice reminiscent of compassion and worry/49

‘ never better.’ as I pushed past her and headed into the kitchen.50

‘Do you work today?’ this time her worry switching to an almost matter of fact tone.51

‘No.’ I replied as I opened the fridge. The very same things looking back at me from last night. A whole lot of nothing. 52

I went back to my room and began to put on a shirt. She came in behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned her head on my back, clasping her hands in front. 53

‘ if something’s wrong you can tell me. I’m here and I will listen.’54

This same old bullshit, always with ‘I’m here for you’ but never really was.55

I looked over at the clock and realized it was almost 5:30 pm. I continued to put on my shirt and started to walk away from her, but her grasp wouldn’t let me go. It was as if, she actually wanted to be with me.56

‘ let go of me. I need to get going.’ as I began to loosen her hands on my waist.57

She began to slide her hands down, and at this point I began to think about her. Part of me wanted it. Just to have her, right now. But the other half wanted something more. She circled around me, hands still in place. A devious smile on her face as she looked up at me and began to slide my shirt off. The other hand began to slide around my boxers while she pulled my head lower to kiss me. I knew what was going on, yet I couldn’t stop it from happening.58

I looked over at the clock and was surprised that it read 10 pm. I got up and began to put on my clothes. I looked back on the bed and their she was, laying in some dumb pose, probably passed out or just rolled over like that. Her arm was thrown over to where I was laying and her other was underneath her. Her legs were sort of folded to comply with the rest of her body. I quickly put on my shirt and pants and threw my zippo in a pocket. I didn’t bother grabbing the cell phone. Not like I would answer it if any one called. Again I didn’t bother with shoes, I just walked out the door. Keys in one hand cigarette in the other. I got out to my truck, hoped in and drove away into the night.59

I couldn’t even comprehend the words any one was screaming. All I could hear was my heart beat and his. I stepped forward and swung a hard right. I aimed at his face but he dodged and my hand flew into the cement pole behind him. I could feel the splintering cracks as my knuckles and fingers fragmented underneath the stress from the sheer impact. I pulled my fist back and could see the blood on the cement, my fingers were clearly ripped open and most likely broken. I got back into my stance and swung again at him, this time aiming to hit him in the stomach or chest. My left fist connected with his ribs, but at the same instance something came down on top of my head. I heard a crunch sound and suddenly I tasted blood. He stepped back in recoil as I straightened up to full form. I opened my mouth and spit up a large viscous liquid made of saliva of blood. I closed my mouth and I could still taste more of it, as if I had a fountain that was left on in my mouth… I stood their, my mouth open and the blood dripping off of my lips onto the floor. He didn’t waste another second.60

I looked up to see a fist jamming straight into my face. The punch felt good as the pain exploded and blood began to flow freely from my nose. He hit me, again. And again. And again…until I couldn’t hear anything. A blow to my temple made everything go blurry and a sharp ringing in my ears. This is what I needed. His blows punished me, hits to my face, a knee into my stomach. I fell to one knee holding myself up with both hands as I panted and with ever exhale of breath flew blood and spit from my cut up lips.61

Then it kicked in.62

The adrenalin. It began to surge through my body, all the anger and frustration I was feeling became as real as I needed it. Another knee to the stomach dropped me to the floor, but I didn’t feel it. Kicks began to adorn my sides until I rolled over, and spit up a big phlegm of blood, that came back and landed on my face. A hand shot down to me.63

‘you good?’ his vicious temperament gone, a friendly attitude had replaced it.64

I brought my foot up and kicked him in the stomach with my heel. Just above his crotch but right into his pelvic bone. He stepped back holding himself in pain. I stood up and spit another chunk of coagulated blood from my mouth. I stepped forward as he stumbled back. He went to hit me with his free hand but I merely kicked him again, this time to the side of his head. He fell back on his ass. One hand braced himself and kept him somewhat off the ground, the other still holding his pelvis. I walked up to him and grabbed him by the hair, and brought my elbow smashing down into his face. I heard that same crunch sound I heard in my head. But this time I realized I had shattered his jaw. He screamed in agony as he fell back to the floor holding his mouth.65

‘I give, I GIVE!’ was barley comprehensible from a shattered jaw, his cry’s in pain disrupted by the spurts of blood that flew from his mouth. I stood up and began to walk away. Everyone stood away from me. I don’t think anyone enjoyed watching that fight. But that wasn’t the point. I enjoyed the pain that he felt, and that was all that mattered. I sat down on the floor and lit another cig. I was getting low at this point, but it didn’t matter. I ran my fingers on my lips and licked the blood off of them. A deep inhale of smoke filled my lungs. Sadism at its best.66

The others began to pick him off the floor and hustled him to the door. I got a lot of angry looks as he was transported but I merely sat and smiled. Another two stepped into the arena and began to fight. It wasn’t my concern, I put on my shirt and headed to the door.67