Harry Potter and the Not-So-Interesting Story

Chapter One - This Is Fucking Retarded - July 8th, 20061

“This fad is an epidemic and it’s taking over the world!” Ronnie screamed at the sky. Chance ran up behind her and asked, “Didn’t you get that line from Degrassi?” Ronnie scowled and replied, “You can’t say ‘Degrassi.’ You don’t have a copyright.” “What the hell,” Chance said, “You’re not publishing this. I can say what I want.” Ronnie then put Chance in a bikini. Chance cried. “Now you know how it feels, bitch!” Ronnie laughed.2

Chapter Two - My Wrist Kinda Hurts - July 8th, 20063

“If I get carpal tunnel, it’s your fault,” Ronnie announced. “Carpal tunnel doesn’t exist,” Steven informed her. Chance walked over and scolded Steven for dismissing the idea of carpal tunnel. “How the hell did you get here anyway?” Chance asked. “I’m Ronnie’s boyfriend. I was here the whole time. What’s with the bikini? Mmm... bikini.” Ronnie flipped her carpal tunnel-infected wrist backwards and poof! A computer appeared. Steven ran to it and began playing World of Warcrack.4

Chapter Three - Don’t Wake Him Up - July 8th, 20065

“You know it’s called World of Warcraft, right?” Chance whispered. “Yes. I just thought I’d be witty,” Ronnie answered. “Okay. Can I have normal clothes now?” Chance asked. Ronnie realized he was still in a bikini, and handed him some pants and a top hat. “This top hat has shit, vomit, and semen in it!” Chance yelled, “You’re just taking these things from my story!” “Semen?” Steven inquired, running over to them. “You woke him up, you idiot!” Ronnie yelled to Chance, kicking him as he put on his pants. “Don’t kick me while I get dressed!” Chance exclaimed. Casey and Ben appeared. “This calls for a new chapter!” Ben declared.6

Chapter Four - Four is My Favourite Number – July 9th, 20067

“So where does Harry Potter come into this?” Ben asked. “What? He doesn’t. Until Melody shows up, anyway, but we don’t have to worry about that for a few chapters. She’s at Brianna’s,” Ronnie countered. “Why is she left out just because she’s not here?” Casey demanded. “Because she’s not here,” Ronnie answered, realizing that they weren’t really anywhere. “Poof!” Ronnie yelled, waving her arms and making a big meadow appear behind them. Everyone stared in awe as Blue October played from the sky. And then everyone except Ronnie covered their ears and cried in agony.8

Chapter Five - My God, How Did it Get to Five Chapters? - July 9th, 20069

“Can we go to Hyrule?” Steven begged, “They got to go to Hyrule in Chance’s story.” Ronnie looked at him. “Go play WoW.” Steven obliged. Everyone walked away happily as Steven and his computer-on-wheels trailed behind. “A computer on wheels is a waste of an invention,” Ben said. Everyone looked at Ben. Casey hugged him. They continued on.10

Chapter Six - Pirates of the Kansiribbean - July 10th, 200611

“I got a toy!” Ronnie exclaimed, shoving a pirate skull in Steven’s face. “Shush, I’m in the middle of an instance,” Steven said. “Is that real?” Casey asked. “Yes.” “Are those maggots?” “Yes.” “Can I play with it?” “No. That’s gross. It’s a real pirate skull, and it’s got maggots,” Ronnie answered. “But you’re playing with it!” Casey cried. “Yeah, but I’m the writer of this story and gross-ness doesn’t apply to me.” Casey nodded solemnly.12

Chapter Seven - This is Pointless - July 11th, 200613

“Are we even going anywhere? My ankles are getting tired with these damn ice skates,” Ben complained. “Yeah, and I’ve got carpal tunnel,” Steven said, rubbing his wrists. Ronnie neglected to reply but instead pointed to a sign just up ahead. It read “FIFTEEN MINUTES TO GREYMANE.” “Are we traveling between WoW servers?” Steven asked. Ronnie nodded. “And we’re measuring distance with time?” Ronnie nodded again. “And Ben’s wearing lace-up ice skates?” Ronnie nodded yet again. Steven smiled and shook a finger at Ronnie. “Are you leading us into another dimension where you then plan to take advantage of us, murder us, and feed our rotting corpses to trained dolphins?” “Yes. But not in that order.” And then the plot was foiled.14

Chapter Eight - Who Would Walk Five Hundred Miles? - July 18th, 200615

“Hi, I’m in Florida,” Aerica said. “Fuck you,” the group chorused.16

Chapter Nine - A Special Day - July 31st, 200617

“Where is everyone?” Ronnie asked. “Jupiter,” Chance reminded her, “Because it’s my story anniversary.” “So, wait. You’re telling me that you’re celebrating the fact that it has been a year since you decided to take another one of Ben’s ideas, formulate it into a long story with an aggravatingly intricate and arbitrary plotline, adding in a bunch of random characters that have no development whatsoever and call it your own? Is that what you’re celebrating the anniversary of?” Chance nodded vigorously. “Oh,” Ronnie said, “Okay then.”18

Chapter Ten - We All Know You Can’t Write - July 31st, 200619

“Ronnie, you’re really bad at writing this story. You didn't even like the series in the first place,” Ben said blankly. “I know,” Ronnie replied sadly, “but at least here, you guys have to do what I say.” Ben began to protest, but then had a sudden mysterious change of heart and began inconspicuously groping Steven. “Ronnie, if you’re going to use big words, make sure you use them right, Miss Viscosity,” Chance mumbled. “What was that?!” Ronnie snapped. “I SAID, IF YOU’RE GOING TO USE BIG WORDS, MAKE SURE YOU --” Chance abruptly began walking around in circles humming nursery rhymes. Ronnie cackled maniacally.20

Chapter Eleven - Being God is Boring - August 9th, 200621

"Let there be FREE WILL!" Ronnie shouted from the rooftops, tired of the predictability of total control. "How the fuck did we get onto rooftops?" Chance asked. "I'm made of burritos!" Ben declared angrily. "Things may seem hectic and aggravating," Ronnie began, "But in reality, I've been on the other side of the fence, the alleged 'perfect' side, and--" "But this isn't reality," Aerica piped up. "Where the fuck did you come from?!" everyone asked. "Well," Aerica said, "My mother's vaginal orifice." Everyone shuddered.22