dear diary,1
Brother is now yelling at mother for not opening the door for me. I dont know why he bothers though. She's just going to keep doing it so whats the use? Why is brother so much like father? He says he'll protect me.....take care of me.....love me. He says he'd kill for me. Is he lying to me? Is he telling the truth?2
Brother is very popular. His best friend is Itachi-san so I'm not so surprised that girls keep staring at him. I'm glad brother loves me the most though. That way, I get to have brother all to myself. I have no intentions of sharing him with a woman though. Itachi-san is fine though. He is one of the few people who dont pick on me and he is brothers friend, so its okay to share him with Itachi-sama.3
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"Do I have to be a ninja? I mean, I dont see the point." Yuki said as she ate a pocky stick. Daisuke grabbed Yuki's chin. The way he held her chin in his hand like he was about to kiss her. He leaned in close. Yuki's mind was cluttered. Her eyes were huge, staring at him like she was scared. The boy in front of him looked pleased.5
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Yuki's POV7
What the hell is he doing?!?! Gaahhhh!!! Perverted bastard ovva brother!! This doesn't make any sense!! Why is he--8
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Ahem, as I said, he pulled her in close and cupped her chin. You think he's gonna kiss her dontcha? He leaned closer toward her and...10
ate the rest of her pocky stick that was in her mouth still!! "Hehehe...you're so cute y'know that?", Daisuke chuckled as he chewed on the half eaten pocky stick. "GAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! YOU ARE SUCH A PERVERT BROTHER!!!!" Yuki yelled, her face red with embarrasment. "Hehehehe...so what if I am?", he managed to say before he burst into laughter. "HAHAHA!! Sorry Yuki-chan, hehehehe. Its just, you should've seen your face. Hahahaha, it was so cute!" "Gah, shuddup you perv! I hate you brother! PERVERT!!!!" "Hehehehe, sorry, just had to. Its cute how you have an older mind than what is in that small body of yours. You were real cute. Seriously." Yuki turned an even darker shade of red as she heard her brother say these words.11
Yuki was still in her bed in her tang top and shorts. 12
It was six in the morning and Yuki had an hour and a half till the academy let students into the building. The only reason she woke up early was to cook breakfast for herself and her brother(they never ate their mom's cooking cuz it tasted like crap). "Yo, you still mad at me?", Daisuke asked as they made their way to the kitchen. Yuki was still a little red from the pocky incident in her room. "I wouldn't cook anything if I was mad." "B-but you aren't mad anymore r-right?" "Nah, I'm not. I know you'd starve without me." "Hahahaha, you're amazing y'know that? A six year old the ability to cook like a pro. Its wierd but still pretty cool."13
"Hn...y'think so?"14
yeah yeah yeah, i kno. too short. sorry. i'm too lazy to type more. lol. anyways, i'll try to type faster and i'll try to make longer chapters but please dont rush me.15
Author notes
i wrote this at 6am i think so i was kinda sleepy.
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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hehehe the pocky thing=funnynessocity
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Good story, but needs work, imo. I'd suggest starting a new paragraph when someone speaks, for starters. Also, a longer chapter would, if well executed, draw readers into the story in a much more successful way; you have good idead, anyway. I liked how the narrator actually "speaks" to the reader.
Nick -
Alrighty, so let me point out a few things that are wrong with this. Everytime a character speaks, you need to make a whole new paragraph for that particular character. It makes the whole flow together much better and is much easier on the eyes. Another thing is to not include that little monolouge at the end where you explain why it was short. It was not needed for the story. Also, write your stories at a time when you are nice and awake so that you have full use of your brain and creativity. That also will help with the ability of writing a good, flowing story. Also, you do need to capitalize Dear Diary, as a diary for most people is like talking to another person. That's all I've got to say for now, so, take my advice or ignore it, it matters not to me.
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 1, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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there, thats me. lol
sorry richie-chan -
oops
not me -
yeah, i kno. i'll try to do more, lol. and that dialogue thing, i'm not so good at.
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Interesting
I like this story so far! ^_^ The chapters are a bit short, and they can use a bit more detail and such, but I think it's really good! ^_^
And I sence a hint of incest~ Hohoho xD
Anyway, I can't wait for the next chapter! So please update soon! ^_^
~Rae-chanbeginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Interesting San ...lol
2nd paragraph 'don't' should be 'doesn't', do you mean to change Itachi's name in the last sentence of 2nd paragraph? Third sentence is a fragment in 3rd paragraph, try re writing. And 'wierd' is 'weird' but I like the thoughts behind this and don't be lazy make it longer!!!beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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ooops. Sorry about that last comment...
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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mmhmm...-smiles- Hi!
It's good but you need to work on your paragraphs, eg. When someone talks it's a new paragraph.
Otherwise, not too bad I always write best in the earliest hours of the morning Oh, there's a couple spelling mistakes but otherwise it's good. I love when people do P.O.V.s it makes it so much more interesting
*have no points... srry...*
I'm a little hyper, so don't mind me.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I'm not really into the whole naruto thing, but this story is pretty good. Keep up te great writing
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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ok
it was ok for being written at 6 in the momring, cause i can barley wlk in the morning
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7/10
Well, I can see you have an idea for a story. You did well, but when someone new speaks you need to make it a new paragraph, it gets a little confusing. Longer would definately be better, but you have a nice story going here!
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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