~Chapter ONE~1
Kat and I were standing outside on the driveway, waiting for Conner and his dad to pick us up.2
***3
It was Monday, August 28. The first day of school, and my first day at Lakewood. Nine whole months away from my step-parents! This was gonna be sweet.4
Conner’s dad’s car pulled up in the drive and his dad got out of the car to help us with our suitcases. Once that was done, we all got in the car.5
“So,” Conner’s dad, Mr. Tennson, asked us, “are you guys excited for school to start?”6
Both me and Conner said yes but Kat’s green eyes sparkled with something between love and hate “Not that excited,” Kat said “It gets boring after the first few months.” she told Conner and me. 7
After a while we neared a bridged that went over a huge lake. The lake was big enough that it had a medium sized island in the middle of it. “There it is,” Kat said “Lakewood Boarding School. Your home for the next nine months.”8
The island was beautiful. It had a small lake near the bigger lake with a river running out of it into the huge lake, a pretty big snowcapped mountain, a pine (and some other trees) forest, and buildings splattered here and there: one on the lake, one on the mountain, and a few bigger ones in the middle of the island. Kids ages seven through seventeen were all flocking around the biggest building on the middle of the island. Conner’s dad drove us up to where all the kids were and dropped us off with our suitcases.9
“Good luck!” he said and drove away. 10
Kat, Conner, and I just stood there for a few seconds then Kat ran over to a group of her friends she just spotted and left me and Conner alone.11
Conner and I looked around to see if there was anyone we knew. There wasn’t but Conner saw a girl our age standing all alone. I looked at Conner and he nodded, we walked over to her.12
“Hey,” I smiled at the girl “I’m Heather.”13
“Conner.” Conner said simply. The girl smiled shyly.14
“I’m Amber” she replied. Amber had bright red hair, was pretty tall, and had sparkling green eyes.15
“Nice to meet ya!” Conner said. Amber just smiled.16
“So,” I asked “Are you new here?”17
“Yeah,” She answered “I just moved here. Are you guys new too?”18
“Yes,” Conner and I answered together.19
Just then, the huge wooden doors of the main building opened and a woman stepped outside. I knew immediately that she was the principal, just by the way her face looked. She had a strong presence of autority around her and looked like she was one of those people who's serious all the time. As soon as she stepped out the chatter died down and everyone quieted.20
“Welcome, to another year of school at Lakewood Boarding School,” She said in a loud, clear voice that rang with authority.21
The choosing was about to begin.22
Author notes
this is the second part of the series. Hope you like it. Please tell me about any grammer mistakes and if you don't like it tell me.I'm only 11 so I'm still not that great at writing.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Hi There, read your story it is good, some spelling mistakes and some of your sentences could be structured better, read it over and see what i mean, but it is very promising in my opinion, well done.
Happy New Year from Helen -
i liked it!
i think youve got a lot going with this! i kno a lot of people probably have (and or will) say this, byut i think it could be developed mor eif you made it longer; put moree detaits into it. but i like it and ps- i lvoe it when the guy and the girl are best friends!!!
Taylor
-
Interesting
Very good, What Im really wanting to knw is, do they learn normal things in this school or other things, along the lines of magic? just wondering...Its really good so far, cant wait to read more -
Good Job
Hey, I like your writing style and imagination. I think you should keep going, but I want to caution you not to fall into using Harry Potter as a crutch for your story. And if you do... let your readers fall into the similarities throughout the story. Beacuse if people pick up on Harry Potter from page one, they may not want to continue because they think they've already seen it. The way you started out was completly in your own voice and I was engrossed reading about someone running to the sound of werewolf steps. But, when I get to 1. Parents Dead, 2. Evil Step Prents, and 3. A boarding school with 4 houses. I am thinking, wait a minutes this seems familiar. But, only beacause that information is so close together. (I used to do the same thing.) Every writer is influenced by other stories so you are not alone in this, but make sure your voice and vision comes through in your writing.
Your idea I see is completely different and your characters are new and fresh, so don't make the Harry Potter influence so obvious.
In your description of the island take your time to layout the land for your readers. Everything sort of stands alone and floats around and the picture in my mind is a little hazy. It is an island, but it has to be a pretty large Island to have mountains, and they are snow capped so either those mountains are really tall or the island is really cold. "A pine and some other trees." Please name the other trees and give their relation to the lakes and don't be afraid to give more description to how those lakes look, the shape, color, are they still or rippling, what contrast does the river make?
The kids aged 7 to 17 are flocked around. But in what order. Are there any obvious cliques, like the pretty girls, the nerds, the bullies? Go ahead and give that community a little more depth. It is obvious that Amber, Conner and Heather are the new kids. If you ever watch Nickelodeon's Ned's School Survival or Unfabulous, you may get a few ideas on how to distiguish those cliques with some typical decriptions.
I know this seems like a lot of advice, but I want to tell you that I think this is a great story and I want to read more. so keep writing!
-
Better. I now can see why you thought she was the principle. Good job on the edit.
~Syren~ -
Paragraph seven you have 'exited' and I think you wanted 'excited'. How did you know that the woman who stepped out of the building was the principal? Did she have such a strong presence that control just radiated off her? More there please.
I don't think you suck. You write just fine. There were a few sentences I would have written different...like the description of the island. Maybe read it over and see how else you could write the second line in that paragraph. Just a suggestion.
~Syren~beginning: 4, language: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
-
wow snowboars this is a very good write that you penned here my friend keep up you write good stories
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
