Vinny was a 15 year old dragon. She was the second oldest of 3 chidren.Kari,the youngest,was 6 years old. Very smart for her age she had the same I.Q as Vinny(Which was 798).Fred, the oldest, was 17 years old.Not as smart as Vinny,but still was very smart for a dragon his age.Vinny's parents called him A wise crackin' nicko poop!.Fred always wanted to open a joke shop.Their father,Mevorde,disaproved of the joke shop.Fred always wanted a joke shop called Crazy Dragon Joke Shop.Their mother,Merdrope,wasn't too keen on the whole idea.However their father wasn't happy on Fred's dream joke shop1
"Hurry!Hurry!Into the den! “said Merdrope in a very hurried manner.
"Strange, mom NEVER acts like that unless something was about to hit the fan."Vinny thought.
Fred and Kari were also as puzzled as Vinny."Something doesn't feel right,feels more tence."Vinny thought to herself again.
She looked at her father Mevorde,he looked distraught . “So….what’s the bad news?” asked Fred.
Their father looked darkly at them.”Kids,I’m afraid to say we may not make it to next week.”
"Why?"Vinny asked herself .Her father seemed to have read her mind.
“Because, a raid will happen.”Mevorde said.
“Who’s sending out the raid? “asked Fred.Vinny wanted to know as well as anyone else.”We don’t know yet,” said Merdrope softly.”But we are pretty sure it was ordered by Amveres.”she said.
”Vinny,you will be in charge of making sure the others stay alive and well.”said their father.
"Why?"Vinny asked herself again."Fred is 17,he knows more spells and can do it better than I can."
Mevorde handed her a note.It said
~You are stronger than you THINK you are~.
She never knew what would happen to her parents next.2
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Guenius !!!
It was amazing i loved it even though i didnt read the hole of it it was very creative and clever abulote guenius
I loved the bit about all the dragons even though its fantasy lol -
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It was short. How could you not read the whole of it?
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Oh yeah. Forgot to mention this: the material doesn't seem to have anything to do with a raid..
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I'm sorry... but you need to brush up on your grammar. A lot. Your story doesn't flow either, and that makes it very difficult to read. In a lot of places, it's difficult to understand what is happening. Paragraphs are skimpy, and the chapter explains next to nothing, and what is explained isn't explained in an interested way.
Never start out a story by introducing the characters like that. Introduce them one at a time, through actions. Weave them into the plot.
Your wording isn't too bad, but again, it's very difficult to read it without proper grammar. You need to have spaces after the quotation marks, or you'll drive everyone insane. If you aren't going to indent, it needs to have a blank line between every paragraph.
~You are stronger than you THINK you are~. sounds extremely awkward with the "think" in all caps. What on earth could emphasis on think mean? It's all very confusing.
I think this chapter could be long enough for decency, if, and only if, you include more details. Each paragraph should include enough info for 3 or 4 lines. Less than that can be used for effect, but do this sparingly, or you ruin it for yourself and everyone else.
You should rewrite the story entirely, and use COMMAS. And have spaces after the commas, becuase the way you have it looks awful! Try to expand the secenario you have... without just adding more events, thanks... so that the story is somewhere between 600-1000 words per chapter, at least.
If you want to make me a collaborator, I'll go in and edit it for you. You know, fix the grammer, switch around a little wording. But if you do this, be aware that I'll have done a lot of work for you, so keep me as a collaborator, at least in this chapter.
>.< I don't mean to be unduly harsh, but it should be noted that everything I've said can be used to better your story. I think every author deserves to be given a critique that actually helps them be better writers. Otherwise, the critiquer is just wasting everyone's time. -
Good but not great
As many others have said there are some spelling errors, and grammatical errors and they overall hurt the story. But despite that I found this very interesting and I would like to read more. I think you made the begining seem a little rigid with the number of seperate statements refering to the joke shop and the opinions of it. One last thing... maybe you could have more on Amveres and who he is. Well, theres my 2 cents. -
I thought this was a little short for a first chapter. Why not flesh it out a little bit and give your characters time to get to know the reader? The reader needs to know a great deal more than you have written out here. You want to describe what your characters look like and also tell us what their surroundings look like. What land do they live in? And what does that land look like and what kind of mystical creatures live there? This first chapter could have been so much more than it is. The longer your intro chapter is the more you can tell your reader. Take time to do that in your revision and also tell us about your character's backgrounds and what they look like, what their mystical country looks like and what kind of mystical creatures live there. If you've ever read the "The Hobbit" trilogy, you know that this is a requirement for any fantasy story. You have to elaborate on your characters and their backgrounds as well as describe the land they live in. Also, describe your characters' protaganist and give the same detailed attention as I described previously. What does your protaganist look like? What land is he from? And what is his background as a character? You'll need to elaborate much more than you have with this first draft when you revise. Be sure to be much more detailed when you do so. A story can't tell itself without being told, remember. You have to do the work to tell it. You'll need to flesh this out a good deal more though. In spite of all that, you did well with the foreshadowing at the end. One is left with wanting to read more. However, be sure to elaborate on your characters with more depth than you have in your next draft.
Sincerely,
John Carney -
First off when someone is speaking or even thinking you need a new paragraph for each time it changes people. It was very confusing to read this. Watch your spelling mistakes and some "" were missing or in the wrong place. And it seemed that in some places there weren't spaces between puncuation and the next sentence. These are just nitpicking little things but they will make all the difference to someone reading this. It distracted from the story.
But it was a good storyline.
~Syren~ -
This is a good start, but I think it needs ALOT of work. First rule of writing, NEVER start a story off by saying,"And now the story." or "this story is about" I think you need to fine tune it, but in the mean time, keep writing!
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