Her legs, no longer two separate entities, became a glistening tail with sparkling scales the color of amethysts, complete with silky violet fins. Reaching up, she liberated her long chocolate curls from their restraining ribbons and let them stream behind her in the water. Thusly adapted to her watery environs and freed from human restraints, she was at liberty to glide through the depths; ruler of her domain. Audrey Wilkes was only seven years old but Audrey the mermaid was a woman; she was independent and free, heiress of all she surveyed.2
She dove to the bottom of her crystal pool and counted the glistening stones that carpeted the bottom of in brilliant hues of blue, purple, and yellow. An immense treasure of jewels for this princess of the seas.3
A small school of gaily colored fish flitted past at lightening speed. She smiled at them through squinted eyes and nodded regally at these, her personal servants, all decked out in their brilliant livery and rushing to carry some message she had given.4
Her movements were graceful under the water. putting a family of dancing otters to shame. The effortless pirouettes and flips she used to cross her pool were so wonderful, compared to the tripping around on land that she had been forced to endure.5
Her beauty as a mermaid surpassed anything she could have achieved as a human girl, even full grown. On land she was a chubby cheeked little girl who many often deigned to call a "cherub" and to christen her "cute" but under the sea, with her free flowing hair and beautiful fins, she was a radiant beauty, shining brighter than the most glorious of stones on the ocean floor, and making the angel fish seem drab.6
Audrey the mermaid had no need to break the surface for breath, but she regally thrust her head above the water, just to survey the scene- All was as she had left it, tranquil and bright. The sun sparkled on the water, getting closer to touching its western horizon. Soon, it would dip below the surface, the cove would be draped in darkness and the only sound would be that of the waves tickling the pebbled beach. 7
The half-human princess smiled knowingly. This dreary surface world might sleep in an hour, when the fiery red sky faded to black, but she knew where the sun was going when it sank below the surface of the water; it would descend to the very depths of the sea, to the dark places that humans assumed never say the light of day. 8
Thousands of her people would gather in the great city there for feasting and music. There would be games for the young, and dolphin races. A grand parade, in her honor, would usher her in to the capital of the sea. She would laugh, and dance with a handsome young prince and...9
"Audrey," came a voice from up the hill, out the window of the little house that faced the water, "Audrey, it's time to come in and get ready for bed. The sun is almost down!" With the sounding of this strident, utterly human voice, the spell was broken; it vanished like a pricked bubble. 10
Young Audrey's legs began to ache from being held so tightly together and her arms wearied of dragging her body through the water on their own. Her loose hair that had floated in full curls under the water, hung heavy and dripping around her shoulders.11
"Audrey Elizabeth Wilkes, you get inside right now!"12
Her skin pebbling in the evening breeze, Audrey sighed heavily at the return of normalcy, and pulled herself from the water. She trudged halfway up the sandy path to her home, and turned around to gaze at the blazing sunset, so far out at sea. Slowly, a sleepy but satisfied smile crept across the child's face and she rushed home to her waiting bed, eager to greet her kingdom.13
Later that night, as the moon shone softly through her open window and the salty sea breeze stirred her lacy white curtains, an exhausted Audrey slept soundly. Her body rested tranquilly, worn out from its evening swim, but within her dreams...14
A beautiful mermaid princess danced in her undersea city, brilliantly lit by the sunken sun, with a handsome mermaid prince...15
Author notes
Today, I spent the afternoon at the lake with my family. Playing in the water with my little sisters reminded me of my childhood fantasies of being a mermaid, of how I used to splash languorously in the shallow water, pretending to have fins, and to be some sort of underwater princess. So, I was inspired. I think of this as a children's story, so one of my biggest questions is if I used too much large vocabulary. I tried to throw in words I like to use, that perhaps a kid might not understand but that they could get from context. Did I do a little too much of that? Or would the story be understandable to young readers. I'm actually quite proud of this... I'd love for some feedback!!
A contest entry
- Diversity Goes - - II by IvoryRose.
250 points, ended August 1, 2006, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
My first children's story... please comment!
Comments
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You write very well! I loved the imagery in this piece. I think your writing is at a good level for kids; most of the words should be known, or understandable from the context, and if they're not, maybe they'll ask someone or go look it up!

This made me wistful for the ocean..
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I liked this a lot. Excellent description, and yes there may be some words that younger readers might not understand, but they will ask questions or look them up because the story is so good. Personally, and it seems like I'm always saying this, I'd like to see more from this story. Perhaps lengthen this and throw in conflict for Audrey. It would be very nice to see where you could take this. Nicely done!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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This was wonderfully descriptive. The scene was gloriously detailed. I too have written about a mermaid and so has my daughter (Phoenixflower). It's just fasinating to see each take on a mermaid and how life would be under the surface.
I think the title fits the story. I wouldn't change it.
Only a couple of grammar errors but nothing to distract from the story. Great job.
~Syren~ -
The theme is one I've seen before, but luckily it draws a smile to even my lips. It's a great story and though a young reader may not understand an older child (9 or 10) would. I guess you could consider that younger. YOu have great flow and such a descriptive style it's hard not to fall in love with the story. Good job and good luck.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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I wanted to be a mermaid once... I think every girl at one time or another has wanted that... Great story. It had lovely images, and to me, the words you used were perfect for this. Good job!
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Enchanting!
You've spun a delightful story here. I didn't know that you wrote stories as well as poetry. I don't know of any little girl who hasn't pretended to be a beautiful mermaid. I was just enchanted with this tale. Vivid images and the movement was very smooth and easy to 'see'. I saw this as a story for older children, 9 - 12. If you were shooting for younger than that then I think, yes, the word choices were a bit too advanced--with 'entities' and 'environs'. You've given color and a childhood tone to this story and it is very well written. Your talent for writing is a wonderful gift. I enjoyed this tale.

beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.




