1
I don’t know what day this is, what time it is, or even where I am. I know I’m in a large dungeon-like room, adequately lit, but a little cold. Before this, all I remember is walking out of the gym to my car, then blacking out as I reached for the door handle.2
I awoke in a cot in this dungeon, and on a bolted-down table was waiting a plate of food and a jug of water. I was exceedingly parched, and I ventured to wonder how long I’d been unconscious. My watch was gone, and I didn’t find my gym bag, having searched the entire room.3
I found no door either.4
After what seemed ages but were probably just a couple of hours, an impossibly loud voice boomed throughout the cavernous cell. I looked up and noticed, next to the light fixture (which was out of reach), a big speaker hanging down. I yelled at it, hoping for some indication, some clue as to what I was doing here. But the voice droned on, heedless of my hoarse exclamations.5
The voice was reciting scripture, if I’m not very much mistaken, only the quotes didn’t seem quite right. It’s been a while since I’ve cracked the Good Book open, but the recitations struck me as off in a few places.6
There was no rhyme or reason to the quotations either. Indeed, it seemed like the reader was simply leafing through a Bible, spouting some verse or other in a haphazard fashion. But, again, I could not help but note that they were subtly changed.7
In a panic, I ran about the room again. I stumbled on a bit of broken masonry and fell headfirst, nearly coming in contact with a wall. Just as I was about to stand, I noticed that the wall at the floor in front of me was open, although the hole was small and there were bars preventing egress from there.8
Looking through the opening, I saw a plain field of grass or lawn. Protruding out of the ground were some five or six… six headstones. “I must be in a mausoleum,” I said, but my voice sounded hoarse and small against the din of the speaker.9
Undaunted, I clutched relief like a lifesaver, thinking that there definitely must be a way out, or that someone would pass and rescue me.10
Hours later, I abandoned the vigil. The voice had been reciting nonstop during my time reclined in front of that hole, and I sensed that its tone had changed slightly, mocking me and my foolish hope.11
In a flash of blind wrath, I screamed curses, grabbing the empty carafe and chucking it at the speaker. It glanced off rather harmlessly, and landed on my cot (my? Had I by now become so accustomed to the situation that I’d claimed possession of anything in here other than my own person?).12
I surrendered finally, and, as the sunlight descended from the barred hole and high windows, I wept into my hands on the cot.13
I must have fallen asleep, for I jumped and realized it was daytime again. On the table, once more, waited a plate of food, though it seemed less than the day before.14
In desperation, I crawled to the hole to take another look: next to the headstones, which were in fact nothing more than plain wooden crosses, was a freshly dug hole, a grave.15
The speaker belched its nonsense verses at that point. I not only jumped in fright, but yelped, sounding so much like a child that I burned in queasy shame. I walked back to the table to break my fast, sullen and crushed.16
In time, I’ve learned to ignore the voice. The stench from the commode I’d found in a corner of the dungeon no longer offends me. The food has been growing steadily less, I had not been paranoid about that.17
By my reckoning, this is my fifth day here. This morning, when I looked out the barred hole, I saw a new cross standing eagerly against one of its already-planted companions. The grave was deeper and larger, able to accommodate a person my size.18
The speaker has been silent all day.19
Author notes
Originally, I was going to do a modern version of Poe's classic tale "The Pit and the Pendulum," but this came out instead. Enjoy!
Thanks,
Giovanni
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
-
This is only my personal opinion, but if you are writing in the first person, you should be feeling it as it happens. I think you varied from being the person to an observer. It is an interesting story, with much merit to it. It is definitely worth working with and honing via editing. It has a suspenseful feel, that intrigues. I know the "Pit and the Pendulum " I don't know if you can achieve the same aim. Many writers have tried and failed. I wish you all success. I know that you are a poet also, have you thought of trying the genre that many people say Poe popularised - that of the "Hybrid" poem. Prose/Poetry complementing each other to create the one work. "The Raven."
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
It seemed like the 'changed' nature of the verses was a bit overemphasized, but perhaps that is just a quirk of the character. Another tale of the fascination of death... A person desperately searching for information to stave off death, make it understandable.
Mike -
wow u know what's wierd... during the first two lines I was THINKING pit and the pendulum... I DEFINITELY got that feeling... THIS WAS EXCELLENT... talk about expanding horizons... you certainly have outdone yourself. You are an excellent story teller!
Trin
-
I see definite talent for writing here. It can be difficult writing first-person, yet you also maintained your syntax. A few new paragraphs needed to be created, as the situation and "thought" changed, and always with transition. Whenever you use "thought," don't use quotation marks. If you're submitting your story via snail mail, you must underline thought. Throught the Internet, you can put the thought in italics. Only dialogue should be in quotation marks, and there's also something to learn there. Otherwise, you had me gripped, and the final words for this section, made me want to read further. I hope you write more on this! It's very interesting! For an example of first-person technique, which I don't call my best work, read "The Memory Bridge," and take note of how I use dialogue, thought, atmosphere and setting, all coming from the mind of a young girl. Carry on, writer! I see big things in your future! Love, light and truth!--Kel
-
This is very beautiful so much I'm honestly moved beyond words,
But I'm wondering did this kid die and end up in Hell? I wonder,
Keep up the great work sir or ma'am and I have a horror piece for you to look at and it's called Laurie and it's about the real life stalking and murder of a sixteen year old girl that happened in Lancaster Pennsylvania on December 20 1991 and to my relief her killers were sent up the river with no hope of release. -
Ramble? This most definatly wasn't a ramble. This was written beautifully. You put so many person quirks in it, and you let us really see what this man was thinking. I felt his desperation, and then finally giving up. I espically loved the line after he referred to the cot as "my cot". It was witty, and I just loved it. This was awesome! Great job! And..grrrr to you, for making it just end...grrr to all storytellers who do that!
-
creeeeepppyyy! I was startled by the sudden ending. I'm suddenly glad i'm sitting in a big, open room, lol! I must've been feeling clausterphobic just reading. --Glass
-
I don't know if I'd call this a 'ramble', persay....short story....that's more like it. But, everyone is a critic.
Jenn
-
nice ramble.
-
Your stories are a tease, lol. You get me sucked in and it ends, lol. Spooky...great write, honey.
-
Yeah, there was definitely some very formal wording in this piece, they were a conscious effort to evoke some of the Poesque atmosphere. It didn't quite work for me this time, but I hesitate to edit it at the moment because I may end up scrapping it entirely and starting anew. I will revisit this, eventually, and tighten it up.
Thanks!
- Giovanni -
Nice.
I like it. I'm not a big fan of storish sounding things...seeming how they always end with...the same ending yet I felt enertained by this. Kudos. If you wrote more, I would definitely look it up. -
This is definitely weird...I like it!! You're not one to write happy stories, are you? Anyway, my only critical comment is that sometimes the writing is a bit stiff. Take the sentence 'My watch was gone, and I didn’t find my gym bag, having searched the entire room.' Just me, though. Good stuff, super-creepy. The voice is good, and the way you introduced the new grave is really fluid. Will have to look up "The Pit and the Pendulum."
-
Must have more. *Trys grabbing the un-written rest* GIMMIE!!
Have some
,
~Fern -
This is definitely something different, and while I can come to my own conclusions on most of the mysteries in this piece, there are so many of them that I've just got to know what the answers are! I hope you write a continuance to this story, I know I'd certainly read it!
Adding your comment:
1 - 15 of 15
