Luke huddled in a corner of the schoolyard. The Southern wall of Nicker Elementary hid him from sight of the large, lush soccer field. He didn’t dare join the other fifth graders who were playing in the soft sprinkle of snow. It didn’t quite cover the longest blades of grass, and Luke couldn’t welcome the all too familiar taste of dirt on his tongue.1
Luke was the smallest boy in the grade. It meant nothing to him, but the others seemed to find his slim, four-foot tall figure something to laugh at. Well, not only laugh. Teasing never bothered Luke much; it was the most recent developments that had him cowering behind the far wall.2
Slowly, Luke began to realize that his caution was to no avail. If the bigger boys didn’t get him then, they would after school, or the next day. He didn’t want to hide forever.3
One black, leather boot tentatively crept around the corner. A blast of frigid, January wind stung Luke’s cheek. Already caught off guard, he struggled to keep his footing on a patch of black ice. It was no use. Luke was soon on his hands and knees, fighting to draw the zipper of his fur-lined parka a few centimetres higher against the biting cold.4
Before he could draw himself up using the rough, brick wall as a brace, Luke sensed the shadow that towered over him.5
“Oh no.” Luke’s words were barely audible above the howling wind. He huddled in a tiny ball, awaiting the harsh contact of whoever stood there, blocking the sunlight.6
“Scared, Little Luke?” The nickname was a lame one, but it made a point all the same. Luke knew it was true. He also knew that a fight there would send him crashing into the burnished reds and browns of the brick wall.7
“Should I be?” The attempt at sounding calm and collected was a failure. The words came out like a squeak from a mouse, and Luke nearly jumped at the tone of his own terror-stricken voice.8
“I think Little Luke should be petrified.” Luke managed to muster up an ounce of courage and let his innate sense of sarcasm take over.9
“Did you look that word up in the dictionary just for me? I’m honoured!” The funny thing was, Luke had not yet raised his eyes high enough to identify the looming figure; however, the way the hairs on the back of his neck stood up on end told Luke that it being one of the dumb jocks was a pretty safe bet.10
The next few moments of silence confirmed his suspicions. The boy shuffled his feet and felt his cheeks grow a reddish tint. The snow stopped falling and the wind let out a long and bitter howl as if to mock their unintentional termination of argument. Luke allowed himself a tiny, lopsided smile at the irony of it all.11
“I think I’ll be on my way now. Thank you for taking the time to have this incredible, intelligent conversation with me.” Luke smiled sweetly as he gingerly stood up. He could only hope that the boy looming over him was still too dazed to prevent him from leaving unscathed.12
“Not so fast, Junior.” Luke halted in his tracks. He knew his short legs could not carry him fast enough to escape the danger. He raised his head, tentatively, to finally see who was threatening his wellbeing. A sharp intake of breath sent Luke into a paroxysm of coughs.13
“Shut up, Shrimp!” The cold temperatures left Luke gasping for breath. He looked straight into the athlete’s eyes, trying to mask the fear that left his stomach in a flight of turbulence.14
“Damien…” Luke trailed off, even though he had found the wits to stand up for himself.15
“That’s right, Shorty. You remember that name and you remember it good.” Luke giggled at the incorrect grammar. He slapped his hand over his mouth, but it was too late. Damien laughed maliciously. An evil glint in his murky, blue eyes told Luke that the damage had been done, and there was no time left to escape.16
“You keep right on laughing, all the way to the next dimension.” Luke’s eyes went wide as Damien’s large hand crashed into his cheeks. Sliding on the same patch of black ice, Luke hit the brick wall, head first. It was not dirt, but blood, that was the last sensation upon Luke’s tongue as the world closed in around him.17
Author notes
It'll be continued eventually, but this is what I'm handing in to my Writer's Craft teacher.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Well done. It lags a little, but my attention span isn't the greatest. At times the dialogue is strained (would a small frightened boy really be a smart-alec?) and I don't always understand Luke's reactions to things (He notices the bad grammer, but would he really laugh out loud?). You are a master of writing narrative and not saying needless things. Just work on your dialogue and pacing a bit.
Diane -
Very, very well done. I could feel poor Luke's fear as he hid...I'm sure many people can empathize with Luke. The story was very well written, and kept my interest during the entire time. I really enjoyed reading this! Great job, and thanks for entering the contest!
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I enjoyed this immensly and I cannot wait for the continuance of this story, you have a lot of imagery and a well thought out story, I thank you for sharing and take care
sanity.
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Dear starstruck,I enjoyed this story immensly,I will be looking forward to reading the next chapter.I hope that Damion gets what's coming to him.Poor Luke, hopefully he will be allright.
Angelica
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Hello, little one...
I don't normally read stories around here but I thought this was a well-written effort. I would like to see the tables turned on Damien one of these days! But if that's not in the cards...lol
This was full of imagery, dialogue, and a well-planned plot. Many stories don't contain even the most basic elements. I hope your teacher likes it as much as I do!
More please!
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
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I too agree you have the makings of a really great story here. I like the way Luke keeps his head even though he's scared. I like his sarcasm. You've a good write!
M -
This is excellent, it has all the elements of a good story and I wanted it to continue. Well done.
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