Among sixteen stories, there's none as fair, none is as sweet as The Little Deer. Three little girls chose to ride, chose to ride it's little hind. Unfortunately though, for the little deer the first little child pulled on its ear. The deer bucked and roared and cried and screamed, but the first little girl refused to let go, or so it seems. The second little girl chased him into a tree, and, there, he was stung by a little angry bee. The third little girl, pure and sweet, decided he earned honey for his treat. The poor prince denied and refused, and the first two girls weren't quite as amused. Feeling hopeless, teary, and broken, the third young girl left her ribbons for him as a token. She wanted to be friends, and then the buck understood, and they were friends to the end, through the worst and the good.1
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
Aww, this totally ranks as adorable in my book. And not a lot does. It kinda reminds me of another poem I read a long while ago in sixth grade. xD Little kids would adore this.
- HT -
A very cute little story about a deer. It reminds me of "The Three Little Pigs" or "This Little Piggy".
Nursery rhymes are a good way to a child's heart. You could put this into a childrens' book. Good job.
Good job, continue writing, good luck,
RayneFall
-
Wow
That was a cute story! Young children would definitely find this amusing. And the rhyming was good. Really nice job!
-
this is great
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
This sounded like a nursery rhyme kind of thing...not really sure how to place it.
Was really cute though and enjoyable to read so great job!
-
Heh heh heh... Brought a smile reading this. Neat!
-
Aww, this is adorable. My little brother would've loved this!
Simple sweet work.
-HT -
this is unique!!
its so sweet, and I am not one that usually thinks things are sweet! It's adorable and I think that this is well written story!!!!
Keep up the awesome work
-
I am not an avid fan of chilrens stories but this was unique and cute and oh so enchanting
-
This is so cute just like I thought it might be with the title "The Little Deer." I could even imagine pictures with all of the captions to make it a wonderful story for bedtime.
Ted E
-
lol, this IS adorable. I like it... I don't normally read childrens stories but this really drew me in. It's sad in its own little way. Keep writing!
~Kevan!~ -
Whoa! I totally liked this! It was great! Good job! I wanna read more! Poor little dear! And the little bee! AWWWWWW, totally adorable!
-
If this is a peom shouldn't it be in lines as opposed to a paragraph. Anyway, it is a great poem. Good descriptive language. keep it up!
-
There are grammatical errors throughout
watch your tenses as well
you have runon sentences and the rhyme doesn't have to continue all through the same sentence. It can continue tothe next one
-
The rhyme scheme breaks down with the line, The deer bucked and roared and cried... I think, the use of the word hind in chose to ride it's little hind. is brilliant. That is a great pun.
beginning: 5, language: 3, ending: 3.
-
I thought this was cute. The rythm was good.
-
I was a bit confused
Maybe you could just not start it with your first sentance. Another thing that might help is to not start off calling the deer a small deer and thn switching to calling it to the poor prince. Another thing is that you called it a little deer, and then called it a buck. Bucks are supposed to be big. The last part, 'through the worst and the good,' should either be 'throught the worst and the best,' or 'through the bad and the good.' It is a nice little story, but it could be a lot better if you would clean it up. -
Cute
I'm pretty sure you meant "friends" in the last sentence. Other than that small error the story was enjoyable. The entire passage flows very nicely, though the word "angry" before bee did throw me off a little. Second the last sentence the word "for" should probably be followed by "him". Also the price part is random. Overall thought I liked the simplicity and flow to the point where I can say I enjoyed reading it. -
-
fixed
thanks,
i fixed the few error, but i left the prince part because i think it fits.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
