Cops and Donuts

What is it about a glazed doughnut that makes a cop come running? Maybe it’s the way the glaze on top drips off the side with its sexy sugar self tingling on their taste buds in pleasure or maybe it’s the way the cake like substance is solid yet tears so easily and just seems to melt away in their mouths as they take their first bite and every bite after. Or it might be the way they go together, hand in hand, to melt away in their mouths and tingle their taste buds to give them the full intense bite of a real, dripping off the sides, glazed doughnut. 1

    You can just see it now, high-speed chase, driving 120 miles per hour trying to catch the drunken criminal who has just stolen fifteen thousand dollars, as the cop passes a Krispy Crème and thinks, "I wonder how many doughnuts fifteen thousand dollars could buy?" Now, his mouth is slightly open, with drool starting to pour from the tongue that is waiting for an intense bite of a glazed, chocolate with sprinkles, or for any doughnut at all. He does a U-Turn and heads for the Krispy Crème with blue lights flashing as if it were a blue light special at K-Mart. 2

    He pulls in, its four minutes after five o’clock. "Oh no," his mind screams, "Krispy Crème closes at five." His mind begins to race as an evil thought crosses his mind: "Break in," a small voice says. And without thinking he pulls out his gun, shoots the glass door that is the widow to obtaining his delicate obsessions. He steps through the shattered window and enters his own personal doughnut haven. They have every kind of doughnut he could ever want, even éclairs. He picks up a glazed doughnut and bites into it. The glaze tickles and teases his tongue while he lunges for another, this time a cinnamon sprinkle. The cinnamon erupts in his mouth like a volcano sending his taste buds soaring to the ultimate extreme: a world of pure sugary content. 3

    Abruptly, he stops. A familiar melody places distantly in the background. "Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha ya gonna do, whatcha ya gonna do, when they come for you? Bad Boys, Bad Boys..." the words play over and over in his head as the song he will come to know as a malevolence grows louder. The silent alarm has been triggered. 4

    He quickly eats doughnut after doughnut stopping to savor the taste as he grabs the last glazed doughnut and takes his first bite. "What a sexy thing you are," he sings with his mouth full while dancing with the doughnut as if it were his one true love. His co-workers step over the broken glass and into their favorite hang out only to see the other officer, their very own. They shake their heads in disbelief; they lost another cop to the forces of a glazed doughnut. 5

    They don't want to, but they must, they handcuff him and take away the glazed doughnut that he so greedily tries to eat before they can get to him while he screams: "Its mine." Then, he turns to the glazed doughnut, his sexy one, and blubbers: "No, I love you! Never forget my teeth marks, I'll come back for you, I promise. I'll always remember the times we had!"  He then begins to cry for the loss of his real love: a glazed doughnut. 6

    The other cops hang their heads in utter defeat.  Oh, how they wish they could have eaten as many doughnuts as their co-worker. Jealous frustration befalls into passionate envy as they turn in this doughnut compelled lunatic and lay him down at the feet of the emperor of decisions and his unreeling pack of lions: the judge and his jury. 7

    A few days later court beings and the officer charged with breaking and entering along with one or two other things takes the stand. He raises his left hand, since his right hand is still sticky from the glazed doughnuts, and promises to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help him God. The judge tells him to tell the whole story starting from how he ended up here. 8

    The officer with a puzzled look on his face replies, "Well you see your honor, when a man and a women fall in a love and get married..." 9

    The judge quickly restates the question, "How did you end up at the Krispy Crème officer?" 10

    The officer still in mourning responds, "well, I was just a little hungry you see, considering I didn’t get a chance to have breakfast, and it was almost lunch time. The high-speed chase got my blood pumping and it made the hungry feeling within my stomach explode. Krispy Crème has really good doughnuts and I just couldn’t resist. Do you know how long it’s been since I had had a doughnut the morning of the chase?" 11

    "No, I don’t." says the judge. "How many?"12

    "I hadn’t had one all day. And it was almost twelve whole hours. Can you believe that?"13

    The judge suppresses a chuckle as he continues with his next question, "Do you feel you are guilty or are you pleading insanity?" 14

    The office stands up, puts his right hand over his heart and states, "Is it wrong to love something so much that you would be willing to do anything for it? Is it a mistake to lose sight of what’s right and wrong because you are so blinded by love...If it's wrong to be in love and to anything for love, then yes your honor, I’m guilty and I’ll proudly stand up and say I’m guilty when it comes to the love of a glazed doughnut..."15

    The jury begins to roar with laughter as the almighty himself begins to slowly chuckle. After a few minutes passes and the court is back in order, the judge stands and declares that the court will now take a brief recess as the jury makes their final verdict.  The judge, at a snail's pace, walks off his bench humbly thinking of a glazed doughnut. He wants one so bad he feels still stomach growl with the intensity of a treacherous snakebite on the leg of a small child. He quietly slips to his office and takes out his phone book. He must have a doughnut before court is back in session. He calls Krispy Crème remember the officers words, "...Krispy Crème has really good doughnuts..." and waits anxiously as the phone begins to ring. They pick up and say that they can have an order of fresh doughnuts there by one o’clock. He looks at his watch, its only eleven now.16

    "Can I really wait that long," he asks himself. "Well I’m going to have to try I guess, aren’t I," he says out loud just as his secretary comes in.17

     "Wait for what," she asks. 18

    "Nothing, don’t worry about it," he utters. He walks out to the court room, one foot in front of the other, all the while denying himself what he so badly is wanting, as he sits down upon his royal throne. A member of the jury stands up, and steps forward. 19

    "Has the jury reached a final verdict?" Calmly replies the judge, anxious for court to be finished.20

    "Yes, your honor, we have," states the lone member of the jury. 21

    "And…"22

    "We find the defended…guilty of...insanity, the love of a doughnut, and everything else he has been charged with."23

    "So, I see. Well, I am sentencing you to a…support group...to help you get over the, uh...crazed obsession with doughnuts, and you have to do 356 hours of community service to help pay back the damages to Krispy Crème, which you are now banned from," announces the judge to the doughnut compelled lunatic. 24

    The officers face turns a pale shaded of pink and then completely white as the new information settles in. He begins to shake violently as his one true love is being taken from him. Tears stream down his colorless cheek as he walks slowly away and out of his new found hell.25

Under his breath he says, "Aye, for the love of a doughnut. What I wouldn't give for Krispy Crème glazed one right now..." 26

    And all-the-while his love was being taken from him, the clock of time slowly ticked and stopped upon the one. The officer casually steps over to the angel carrying the box of Krispy Crèmes, and offers him ten dollars for dozen. He kindly refuses reply that this box is for a judge.27

    "Oh really," says the officer replies with a slow, evil grin appearing upon his face. "Well I'll give you fifty dollars for the whole box."28

    "Fifty…dollars, For a dozen doughnuts. Well, why didn't you say that before?" The officer hands over the money gladly and takes the box lovingly. 29

    "Have a wonderful day, sir," replies both together happily. 30

    They both walk away and get into their cars as happy as can be. 31

    And the angel says, "I hope he doesn't mind that I ate a few," as he spins off in his Honda.32

    And the officer says, "That judge, he'll never know what hit him. Ah, revenge is sweet for me and a bitter shame for him. Too bad, huh? But, o well, he'll be the one we see tonight on the news breaking into the Krispy Crème because he never received his precious doughnuts." And he speeds off in his old, broken down, forest green Ford Ranger.33