In Honor of Stupid

Once upon a time, there was a dog. He was a very simple and plain-looking dog; dirt-brown with floppy ears. He was not particularly smart, and was greatly afraid of...1

Pigeons. Yes pigeons.2

If a great eagle flew close to him, he would glance at it with boredom. If a tiny sparrow flew close to him, he would stare at it with a sigh. But if a pigeon flew close to him...3

There would be a mad dash for the house, racing as fast as his legs could carry him to the underside of the porch, where he would cower for hours, squealing and howling. And, oddly, the dog was called Grant, after the great Civil War general who was not afraid of anything.4

Grant's owner finally realized his poor dog's fear of pigeons, and moved to the tropics of South America, knowing that there would not be any common city pigeons there to cause his canine companion such dread. In doing so, he changed his dog's name to Orville, the reason being that the dog would jump so high off the ground while trying to catch a ball that it reminded the owner of Wilbur and Orville Wright. The dog looked as if he were trying to fly.5

Needless to say, Grant/Orville's owner was obsessed with history.6

Life went well for Orville and his history-obsessed owner for a while. Then one day, and exhausted pigeon landed on a palm tree right next to a sleeping Orville, who did not notice the bird. The poor pigeon had been on his way to New York City for his family's anual "Poop on the Human's Big Green Statue" celebration, but apparently had taken a wrong turn and ended up in South America. But as the pigeon began to realize that he had ended up in a dream vacation location, he started cooeing his joy to the world.7

The sound reached Orville's ears, and he began to yowl. He screeched and squealed, but his ownder was at the local library, checking out more history text books to study endlessly, and the pigeon was too happy to notice that he was bothering the dog below him.8

It was then that Orville decided to face his fear. He was tired of the wretched pigeon's aggravating sounds of joy. He let out a snarl so viscious and jumped at the pigeon so savagely that it scared the bird out of his tree. The bird flew over the ground, over a cliff, and out onto the sea, knowing that the dog could not follow. But Orville, who was in hot pursuit of his prey, did not remember that gravity was unforgiving to creatures with no wings. He ran right over the edge of the cliff. 9

When the history-obsessed dog owner burried his do0g, he did so with a little smile. For even though he mourned his lost friend, he had finally found the perfect name for his dog. The gravestone reads:10

" HERE LIES

STUPID

MY BELOVED FEARLESS & FLIGHTLESS DOG" 11

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