The King Palace1
2
King:
Warrior! O! Warrior! Go ahead,
for we shall be backing you!
And since the mighty lord is with us,
we should go in battlefield!3
Noble Man:
Lord! O! Lord! Shall eat orders, (1)
the star struggle against fate! (2)
We can just hope against hope, (3)
for them to rebound their paths! (4)4
King:
So, Noble, what you look for,
do you assume me to rush for fear!
Let the stars go their way,
but, wait! Let Swam opine!5
Swam:
Ha! Ha! What you reckon return? (5)
Stars don’t move me past, (6)
for they r one, revolving me! (6)
Halt! Let us change their paths!
Let them rise from moony side,
I don’t care if they don’t rise!
As long as I hold my hands, (7)
I shall lead my legion and me!6
King:
I expected same from you,
your heart shall move them by, (8)
and paralyze universe against! (8)7
Noble Man:
Beg! O! Beg! I plead my lord,
forgive if my lip moves a lot! (9)
But, stars seems as dead in grave,(10)
for either don’t move or drag away! (10)
Maybe, forfeiting is to be light upon, (11)
maybe strength doesn't always win!8
Swam:
Alas! I do respect your throat, (12)
and your advice does mean to me,
but you shall pay for muttering words,
and questioning the ancient hands!
Now, I will prove your charts wrong,
the hand will rewrite their maps, (13)
for they do need, ode to me,
and they fear the sharp hands! (14)9
Noble Man: (Whole Stanza: 15)
But, blood is spread all over,
and sands grow bloody trees!
For stars are running, out time,
and the dead are reviving!10
King:
Enough! O! Enough! I heard enough,
enough of your if and buts, now learn,
we fancy hie Panthera Leo (16) than gee-gee! (17)
Clouds honour us for our hands,
and heavens are build out of our reddish blood(18), (19)
for we drink pain rather,
mixed with plight and our doom!11
{Enters, the Magician, Hatz. He is a good friend of Swam and a trusted member of King’s council. He is known for mobile ability to lighten wand with a twist of talent and eyesight}12
Hatz:
Forgive me your highness! Maybe I stepped little late,
but did I miss a novel glimpse? (20)13
King:
Nothing! Nothing! Nothing as such,
but, I heard boots at right time! (21)
For we are ready to ride for ruins, (22)
and hands (23) are up again!14
Hatz:
I have been waiting for the clock, (24)
to ding-dong (25) me for the breaths! (26)
I will take the difference (27) breaths,
as a tribute to our sand! (28)15
King:
Wish, if, the night comes true, (29)
and heart pumps forever!
And the hands, maintain the glory,
and a superiority over the bowed heads! 16
Author notes
There might be some expressions which confuse the reader, to make it earier I thought that I should give some help here:
1) Shall eat Orders: Take his orders back
2) struggle against fate: Are against us
3) hope against hope: to hope very strongly that something will happen, although you know it is not very likely
4) Rebound their paths: Start favouring us again
5) Reckon return: (here) expect me to answer
6) Stars don’t move me past,
for they r one, revolving me!: This is an old thought about the universe. It was considered that universe revolve around Earth and Earth is stationary.
7) Hands: My sword
8) King wants to say that Swam's determination will force the stars to come backa nd favour them.
9) Lip moves a lot: If I am speaking too much
10) In these lines, noble man tries to say that the stars re against them. According to him either they are not affective them or they are against them.
11) In this line, Noble men trie to tell the king that the opposite motion of stars maybe an indication from God to forefit the war.
12)Respect your throat: Respect you concern
13) In this like, Swam declares taht his sword will re write the map of stars and force them to favor their dynasty.
14) sharp hands: sharp sword
15) In the stanza, Noble man is trying to display all odds he can estimate through the star maps.
16) Panthera Leo: Lion
17) gee-gee: Horse
18) Reddish Blood: Blood which hot glowing iron.
19) In this line King tells that it was thier dynasty who build heaven for almighty through their irony blood.
20) Novel Glimpse: Anything new
21) The line means that Hatz came at right time.
22) Ride for ruins: (here) To destroy enemy
23) Hands: Sword
24) Clock: for this time
25) ding-dong: Tell
26) Breaths: Time (War Time)
27) Difference: Enemy
28) This line means that Hatz want to take the enemy's breath and give it to his dynasty so that it can live for longer
29) Night Comes True: The dream of living more comes true
This is just the first scene there is one more to be written!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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This is just really not my genre. I get bored with Shakespeare as quick as lightning. So there is nothing really here for me to critique. I am just not the right guy for this kind of writing. It is between a script and a really good poem. You could edit it, like at line six: "r" is wrong. Grammar is your main point here. I do not have anything else to say really. If you do not find this comment helpful, then I am sorry, but like I said, "This is just not my thing", I hope for you, like I do with almost everyone, that you keep on writing. Spread around the joy. The picture was one the thing that really drew me in, so do not think of changing that.
I enjoyed reading it, nonetheless.
MagicMonster00M: Good luck, and good bye. -
i love it! it is so good! i always loved those kind of poems. u have a new fan! ^_^
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Honestly, it wasn't my thing at all. I tried to find something to critique but there's nothing really wrong with it. It just doesn't seem interesting to me. It's like Poe meets Lord of The Rings to me... no offense. Different tastes, different people.
Sorry about that, but you've obviously caught the interest of others so maybe it's just me who feels this way. I'm not denying you can write, because you can. So props for that.
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I don't normally enjoy pieces like this, but you managed to hold my intrest and I actually quite enjoyed it in the end. It seemed very authentic.
Great write! -
Well done!
Kudos for including phrases and words common for the time period the piece is set in! The notes given were handy - some writers forget that not everyone knows something about everything. This piece had the impact of authenticity and the 'heraldic' form the stanzas took. It needs a little work with sustaining the meter, but the overall quality of this transends that flaw.beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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the picyure was cool that's one thing the whole time i was think is this a story or poem, it that was your plan it worked wonders. a enjoyable read
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very creative words
i think it was a rether cool and ardent story keep up the good work please. -
i love this already...i love storys to do with knights
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of how amusing that picture i
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Interesting, I like the play affect. I was wondering what the numbers were about. You have a typo. "I will take the difference (27) breaths," Shouldn't diference be different breaths?
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Unusual story, like a poem written..
But I liked it, I was truly smitten
Hope your stories are as original as these
both in verse and text, I truly liked this piece
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Reminded me of the old epic poems.
Was like an old epic poem in scope and power. Like a Hindu story told fresh and new. Was like when the Lord and Vishu went into battle. -
AWESOME!
This was so cool! I loved the wording you used in this with the different phrases, very unique. Gave it it's own voice. Great job!
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This is amazing i love your writing i hope i can read more by you in the future its great
love britt
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