Madness

Was it bliss or enjoyment? Perhaps it was, as the cool blade traced upon the already marred skin deepening the cryptic designs that only the artist knew the meanings of. Yes, that deep red color flowing out from under the already black stained silver. No tears? this was not pain, not depression or angst, this was? enjoyment a feeling of being of existence. I am here as long as I know that I exist everything is OK it doesn?t matter if I am ignored it doesn?t matter if no one else notices me there. I feel the emotion of self. Everything I have given has been for me yes that selfish being I can just love myself and be myself and I will be whole happy and content it doesn?t matter if others are suffering they just don?t have My strength. I can shut it all out ignore the others trying to hurt me and bend me how they want. I can ignore the others laughter and cries of anguish as I bask in my self-glory. I have found eternity? That state of me that always exists for me. I control what I look like what I eat and I control my anger, pain, and sadness? All happiness, even when I decide to be sad because deep down I know I?m content. I know I don?t need anyone or this thing called love I would take myself any day over this thing that seems to kill and hurt people at will. 1

If you were to kill me now my soul would be at peace and I could surely go to heaven and be reborn again as a holy being who had reached the higher feeling of existence and knowledge. I shall preach to the world of my findings this self-inflicted pain this self-happy self-anger self-pity you are you. The only thing in this world that can harm you is, you, the only thing that can find true enlightenment is you. Crazy? No not me not in a million years you see you only think such things because you do not know you who are so blind, weak, and ignorant in your ways. Pray to your GOD all you like but he will not come you are your own answer your own prayer. I write this now in my own self-exploration knowing what true madness and lunacy is going on with the truth. It will be told you have to know that. Find the truth look into your soul turn away from others turn away from me even and ignore what I say but do think about yourself. I am not looking to be admired or idolized. I?m only looking to improve the human civilization yet it seems that I came and was born too late. I was born into a world that just might listen to me now yet we are so corrupted and set in our ways the world is so hesitant to change.2

Yes take a flame and look into it does it care any for the certain logs? Does it care any for you or for anything or anyone else? It burns and eats and consumes so it can stay alive it only thinks of itself and it is strong yet it is weak because it still feeds off others. Total self is what you need the total knowledge of relying only on you I don?t need those processed foods or animals I don?t need that cheep concrete that seems to give me shelter. I don?t need this writing device to spell out my thoughts and get them spread. The design is moving closer now to the upper arm carving ever deeper searching for that knowledge of control again because it was momentarily lost. Burn your flesh and close the wounds and make them stay with permanence never forget what you wanted to remember. If perhaps we become weak again we will be destroyed our existence is a mere blink so we will be reborn to make sure we last at least a life time let the others know you depend on you and they cannot expect to control you of to follow you. No our leaders are helpless themselves they have nothing without others to bend to their will, followers the mindless fools who cannot think for themselves. Crave more out of life and yourself get motivated know that this is for you it isn?t for anyone else!3

As I keep repeating this message of self I know you shake your head in wonder or bewilderment how could a person so young be so old. Even if you don?t think that I do my soul has surpassed what it was supposed to there is too much boredom now it is all so repetitive lets just starts again from the beginning. Perhaps I?ll change this time yes I will I?ll be consumed in hatred and become a mass murderer I?ll be the one in control of others lives. Then again I could find myself a group be friends for life follow and just go with the flow I don?t have to think so much that way. Yet here I am I?m changing I?m here I?m myself and that is all, I?m me not connected by anything or anyone. The ones who created me are but mere insignificances and don?t need to be bothered with whom do they think they are thinking they know what is best? All parents tend to think alike Protect, protect, protect we don?t need you anymore we are grown. The society has changed the whole view of life people?s views of right and wrong are all influenced by the media and what they think. Free speech total freedom well hell why don?t you just duct tape all of our mouths and call it an all you can eat! All countries differ yes oh yes the Americans are so privileged yeah well we are also so plagued by crime and corruption it clogs the people even worse than the pollution problem at hand. Here we are trying to make a difference every little bit helps well go to your room and look in the mirror that is all you need your subconscious don?t come crying to me when the world ends. I?ll be at peace with my soul at the height of understanding knowing why it all happened laughing at all the stupid life forms that depending on all the things that they supposedly needed. Even water we are what we are who pre determined that we had to be like this? God, science, a power that is, or perhaps magic?4

Here I am just listen don?t repeat don?t seek, I am what I am so you are what you are. Why the hell can?t you be content with that? Can you now run the water to hot and stick your hand under without cringing and feeling a searing pain? A swollen redness that follows is not natural you should be callous to what is and what could be. NO human can hurt you no one is allowed only you can cause yourself this untold bliss and knowing and understanding of true feeling and sense. Perhaps I am not saying this correctly but you are you do you get this point yet after all my repetitions after all my degrading of the human consciousness and the psychology that is destroying everyone one by one. Think and explore with your eyes open and look around you, you say you are awake and alert? I don?t believe you. I only believe in myself anyways so why should it matter. When all these insignificant people keep feeding off one another I should care only for myself I only cause my own pain my own anger my own sadness. I have to I need to I crave to tell this to you is that what I am missing? I know I?m missing something and I will figure it out on my own but until I find that missing key I guess I will just have to keep reminding you all of yourselves to keep that void filled. No that laughter is all fake I know it is it isn?t real it never was real I don?t believe you I don?t I don?t I don?t please stop talking to me talk to yourself I only listen to myself so even if your listening or reading I?m only doing it for me to remind me of all of this it is only me so don?t you understand yet?5

I thought not keep those eyes open I know you keep shutting them is it boredom is it fatigue? Don?t give up on yourself now don?t give up so easily you have to keep trying or you will get nowhere. Hide your head in the icy water and hold your breath until your lungs burn with desire for air. Remember that no matter what you do you keep depending on others and other things? the blade for blood, the fire for completion and remembrance, and the hot and cold water for warmth and relief. You call yourself high and mighty you call yourself content. You call others insane in your search for sanity no I?m not here to preach I already said that once before. I?m only here to let it all out to let you know that the world is so in control of you, you are slipping you no longer have control or your self. Why? Do you really like being attached to things? What if they all disappeared and were gone, then you would have nothing left to live off of or to depend on. All you would have is yourself to rely on? Wait no? Don?t turn away.6

Please don?t leave me I never really wanted to be alone I never really wanted to depend on only me and my self inflicted pain for tolerance. I just wanted you to know my pain and how much I mourn for the world? I know what I was missing now. I know what I?m still missing now. Do you know what it is?7

Yes it is companionship, caring love the feeling that can bring such joy but such pain. I kept running from it I know I was afraid but I won?t be anymore. I won?t be that mumbling little fool in the corner rocking back and forth trying not to live off others I will follow and I will lead just take me back. Take me back to my sanity cure me of this madness. I know I have no true disease but I feel awfully sick with all these scars that I know will never fade. I?ll always be reminded of my foolishness just take me in your arms and teach me of forgiveness.
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