Desperation

Desperation1

[Caitlin – a fast talker – is confronting her longtime boyfriend, Thomas, about their “breakup.” She is in denial that he has stopped their romantic relationship, and in the beginning of this piece her main focus is to convince him to come back to her. She has become emotionally dependent on Thomas and is desperate to have him back]2

Remember that night, about two o’clock in the morning and you didn’t expect me? You told me I should be in bed and stop bothering you because “this” wasn’t working out. You wanted to end it after all of the things we’ve gone through. I begged you to listen to me, I begged you to just let me kiss you and maybe then things would be okay and we would still get married in your backyard and sleep in white sheets together until the afternoon, and go grocery shopping, and have a boy and a girl, and then, and then…
Yea, I guess it is a bit unconventional to visit people at two in the morning but I had to talk to you and see your face instead of just guessing what you felt over the phone. Sometimes, people say things they don’t mean and you know they don’t mean it because you see it in their eyes, the way they stand, the movements their body makes – the way your left eyebrow raises when you’re lying, the way your upper lip curls when you’re hurt, the way your forehead kind of wrinkles when you get frustrated and mad, the way your body makes a sweet kind of swagger when you know someone is watching you walk away, the way you get a distant look when you’re being dreamy and serious and dramatic and only yourself. Oh God. Your lip is curling and your forehead is wrinkling.
[begins to stumble over her words] I…you know. I… Well… Stop wrinkling your forehead! Let me finish this.
I came over after another night of silence between us, one night too long and I went to knock on the door but you had thrown it open before I could even knock and I stood there with my hand suspended in air like how the silly girls in movies do when they go to their next door neighbor’s house to confess their secret and undying love. [aside] Or did I just make that part up to make me feel better?
[back to Thomas] You must have seen me walking across the street in my faded jeans, little white tank top, mascara running, and lipstick smeared across my face. I put on these jeans because I wore them on our first date. I had decided to put on a little makeup before coming over but I was crying too hard so the mascara was ruined. Halfway across the street, I decided that I hated the lipstick so I wiped it on my hand and didn’t realize that I completely smeared it across my face until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror when I got home. And I wore the little white tank top because on our second date we were sitting in your truck and that Dierks Bentley song came on. You sang it to me. “I was thinking ‘bout a little white tank top sitting right there in the middle by me. I was thinking ‘bout a long kiss, man just gotta get goin’ where the night may lead.” And that’s when you kissed me for the first time. And I was wearing a little white tank top and you said you liked it and, well, so I wore one.
I guess I’ve gone off track. Well, insomnia is one of the few things we share and that night I was awake in my room and watched as your bedroom light flicked on, flicked off, until finally the flickering of the television appeared in this living room. I supposed it was TVLand; maybe even a Bill Cosby Show marathon was airing. Bill Cosby, what a funny guy. [heavy sigh]
Now we’re here again. You’re looking at me apprehensively. I know you’re asking why I’m here again – at two in the morning. It’s just that…that…
I saw you tonight at the computer typing away furiously and then I saw your mom come over and give you a goodnight kiss on your forehead and all the lights in the house went off except for your bedroom. I was sitting at my desk and through my window I could see you. You know that – because remember when we were eight and we used to wave at each other even though we were grounded, and we would wave when we were sick even though we should be in bed and getting better. Well, you were studying and I knew it was probably history because you bite your pencil when you’re studying history.
After you were finished, you tried to sleep and I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I was thinking about us. I was thinking about the time in elementary school when that bully shoved me and I fell on the blacktop, busted my knee open and everyone else ran away because there was blood but you helped me and told me that everything would be okay because you were there to save me and I said the same goes for you. Remember? And while I was laying in bed, I realized that you aren’t here anymore so nothing is okay. I know I haven’t been there for you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t help you when your dad died because I was too busy being popular. I’m sorry I called you fat in seventh grade. I’m sorry that when you asked me to our first dance, I went and then ditched you. I’m sorry that when you got skinny and handsome that I still made fun of you.
But, I’m not sorry for falling in love with you and although I can’t take those things back, you said when we first went out on a date that you forgave me for everything and we started new. So – then – why aren’t we still together? What did I do wrong now?
A few days ago I saw you kissing another girl, holding her hand, whispering in her ear, playing with her hair. It made me realize that maybe you just didn’t get it. You just didn’t see how much of me hurt inside because you ditched me. Everything was supposed to be okay but it isn’t anymore. So, I…I…came here to let you see how much I love you. I came here at two in the morning so I could do this and maybe, just maybe, you would change your mind and come back to me. 3

[She kisses him]
[pauses]
Don’t you see it! Didn’t you feel that? That magic spark that still is hanging in the air. That feeling that makes you want to dance, sing, and make a fool of yourself. That’s because we’re meant for each other. Just tell me! Just let me know that you felt it because I know I felt it and, and we always feel things together. And since the breakup, I’ve felt lonely, desperate, and miserable without you so I know you must feel the same way too. And…and…
Thomas, just tell me that you feel it too and then we’ll get back together, and tomorrow we’ll go to school together and hold hands and – what? You have to feel this too. You can’t not feel it. The sparks. That tingling feeling…Thomas! Thomas! [beat] Oh. Okay. Goodnight to you too. Yeah…okay…see you tomorrow.
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