boys are big fucking pussies. im sorry if this offends any of you, but you should know that every kiss i've ever had, i've had to initiate. and if you know me, and probably most of you dont, you know im known what is clinically known as 'shy'. we're not talking bashful, aww how cute shy here, we're talking 'oh-my-god-there-is-another-human-being-of-the-opposite-sex-looking-in-my-very
alright so maybe it wasnt that bad, but initiating a conversation with a male was definitely a huge ordeal that took weeks to orchestrate and plan out all minor details.3
also i'm most definitely what you'd call a 'late bloomer.' meaning that before i turned 18 i was clinically diagnosed as 'pug fugly' a nice way of saying that i would die a virgin. and like all young adults who had yet to blossom into womanhood, i fantasized what my first kiss would be like, who it would be with. and of course, i had the perfect guy in mind, who at the time, i was sure, only knew i existed because i tended to step on him during choir practice4
but then TADA5
somebody transplanted my genes with that of a fairly decent looking human being and mr. wonderful began to take a bit more notice. finally i was not the uncordinated girl who couldnt clap with the rhythm of the music. i had a name. mostly it was 'hey you' but still it was a step in the right direction. also when they transplanted my genes they also gave me the ability to speak and not make a total ass out of myself, which coming from me is no mean feat. so we became friends and things were heading in a pretty good direction6
the PROBLEM:7
her name was "stephanie" and she was gorgeous. they'd been dating for a year and understandably, i wanted the bitch to die. not just drop off the face of the earth, but mostly suffer horribly by cruel and unusual means.8
the SOLUTION:9
graduation of the class ahead of us. every year we have to sing stupid school song that everybody just mumbles anyway. on our way up to the stage he's behind me and says, "what are you doing tonight?" unfortunatley we had to begin mumbling the song and i was not at all ready to deal with that question on any kind of level. but when the mumbling ended, he asked again. i said, 'i dunno.' classy, i know, you dont have to tell me that i should have been mentally kicking my own ass. i was so mad at myself i almost didnt hear him ask me if i wanted to go get dinner at Perkins and head out to the beach. Dinner, beach? i asked him about "Stephanie". he said, they broke up earlier in the day. my first thought was, 'wow, this guy gets over shit quick, and i am SO OK WITH THAT.' keeping my head clear, but about to wet my pants, i said sure, i'll go. he said, ok i'll pick you up at 6. at the moment it was about 4:30 in the afternoon, and i had to drive across town. that meant no time to make my mediocre appearance better than ever. i cant believe i didnt get pulled over on my way home10
time has never in the history of my entire life gone by faster than that hour and a half i waited. well waited, panicked, practically threw up, cried, (yes, i KNOW its pathetic) and somehow put on mascara without gouging out my eyes because of my shaking hands. he pulled up to my house in a station wagon. i didnt care, at the time, it was the hottest thing he could have picked me up in. then again i would have melted if he'd driven a cardboard box. So dinner: what can i say, it went. as soon as i sat down, i lost all of my appetite and tried to find the least messy thing on the menu. which i assumed was a salad of some point. unfortunately gravity affects lettuce too. it either fell into my lab, my plate, or i missed the thing alltogether. finally he just started laughing and said, "just relax". he put his hand across the table and patted my hand. i almost threw up.11
so we get to the beach and im happy to say that i finally calmed down enough to start having a good time. it was pretty nice out and we just walked up and down the shore and talked for hours. we sat down with our toes in the sand and started playfully teasing each other. which led to the finest moment of my young adult life. somehow, looking in his eyes, i was sure i knew what he was thinking. possessed by something in those eyes, i leaned forward. in my head i was screaming 'what are you doing! oh my god stop it, go back before its too late!' but at that point what was done was done. i kissed him. there were no fireworks above us, no sudden song bursting in the background like a cheesy chick flick. just our toes in the sand, the waves slapping the shoreline, and for one moment, everything froze. i pulled away, completely horrified at what i'd done. i must have had this horrible look on my face, because he asked, plain and simple, "was it that bad?" i immediately blushed and said, 'no.' it got real quiet for a minute after that, and i was this close to throwing myself into that lake and drowning myself forever. but then he smiled. and he said, 'can i tell you a secret?' i said, ok. again my vocabulary had left me at this point. he said, "i've been wanting to do that all night, but i was so scared you were going to be grossed out.' me? grossed out? are you retarded i asked. i told him about how i'd had a crush on him for so long and he looked utterly surprised. we decided right then and there that we would start dating, but keep it casual.12
so thats the story of my first kiss, and while it had its imperfections, i couldnt have asked for it to go better13
oh yeah, two weeks later we broke up and he went back to "Stephanie" apparently he just missed her too much. guess you cant win 'em all14
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