Emails...

hey mark
well i guess you'll get like, 10 000 000 000 000 emails from me til u get back cuz im so bored and ur right i have odd friends who drain me of much needed patience and energy and right now i feel like im gonna spontaneously combust from stress and pressure to fit in and and and and
lol i was just jokin.
i had an ok time with bee. we stayed up til like 4am talkin and i kinda realised how much i missed her. like not the fake her, just her.
i actually enjoyed her company for the first time in months, an was actually listenin 2 wot she was sayin, rather than pickin out stuff i could use against her later on.
so i guess you're disappointed in me, huh?
well thats wot u said last night anyway.
but do u kno wot? i've come to not give a shit. if ur not proud of me, thats ur perogative, im glad that i cleared the air between me an my oldest mate ykno?
not in a bitchy way but. im actually in a pretty good mood. and im assumin u r 2 cuz ur probably so wasted u cant see by now.
yay for alcohol i guess.
so im talkin to ppl on msn and it scares me. i dunno i guess ur never urself online huh? not just u, i mean ppl in general. i often like ppl on the net that i really cant stand in real life
although, i guess there are people i love in real life that i cant stand on msn.
isnt that a weird term? real life? wtf is that all about? how can life not be real? its life right?
sorry.
the weirdest thing is i dont feel like im actually writing 2 YOU!
it's like theres just crazy words on a computer staring back at me that will somehow end up in another computer, staring someone else in the face.
like i'm passing my soul through metal wires, through the air, to someone i know...
but right now i dont.
ykno? or is that just odd?
and im kinda remembering wot u say about ppl. ykno, no ppl no problem?
well if there were no people, and no problems, well wot would we be? we wouldnt be. so, and not in a pessimistic way or anything. dont call me a pessimist.
but we need problems. the trials. the depression. the little things that ur tryna take away from me so i wont hav vices and hurt and shit?
im startin to think i need them. like to learn. even if i hate them.
i mean, im glad i got past the cutting, and much to my dismay in admitting this, since i stopped smoking i feel alot better
but the little things i guess i have to learn myself
kinda like u should try bein sober every now and then i guess
or take ur own advice and quit smoking.
basically, even though people are the problem, without problems we'd be nothing. just simple pieces of nothing with no idea on how to be somethin.
hopefully u caught all of that.
anyway im sure i'll probably email u again later. this took alot of effort so u better appreciate this!
but hurry up and get back! im startin to get bored (lol note-day one)
plus i really want to make friday up to u cuz i still feel absolutely terrible.
so when u get back we hav to do somethin k?
once again im sorry about friday.
take care and dont drink too much ok? cuz ur liver may not be able to handle it!
or is that just me?...
ciao!
roxie 1

dear marcus
well u would be proud of me. i took a test today and was in the top 5% of scores. meaning im better than 95% of the ppl who took the test.
it was for a job im going for.
so hopefully ur proud.
maybe ur not.
oh well.
also i found out wot subjects i get for next yr!!! ready? 2

biology
english (advanced)
english (extension)
ancient history
society and culture
general math
and music (well what a surprise lol) 3

the only thing i really wanted but didnt get was legal. i guess il learn to live with it in time...
or develop a complex lol.
.< 4

so yeah i had a meeting with my yr advisor for next yr today and was bombarded with hugs...
also insults.
that pissed me off. its like they dont even kno me anymore and they still hate me...or who i was anyway.
so i was a bit upset at some of the things that were said. 5

ummmm went to work. didnt get a warning sheet...YAY!!!
had to start early but. i wasnt happy...
im never happy am i? 6

ok this email is a huge contrast from the msgs travelling between us at this moment. i hate them mark, i really do.
i dont think il send any more sms'
deal? 7

the thing that was getting to me though is this. 8

"bah i do respect u. u just need to understand what i think of u" 9

and then 10

"well i think more of you than u think" 11

so i've been kinda tryna figure out what it is exactly that u think of me...
and im not really doin so well. 12

anyway away from that topic. i've just noticed that in my emails im a very different person than what you would have come to expect of me i suppose. i feel like...well i dont know exactly what i feel like. like im telling a story i guess. or writing a letter to the great unknown. 13

i wish i could be so easy going to your face, instead of an emotional bitch. god i hate the way i am with you sometimes, and im really unsure as to how u put up with it. honestly, how do u do it? i will be forever in awe. 14

well kimmy and i were talkin today. god it amazes me how some people older than me can be immature.
she likes one of my mates right? and he likes her back. but even though she knows, she wont say anything, and he wants her to make the first move. so basically theyre going no where. and you cant FORCE them to talk cuz thats wrong. they should move when ready. i just wish i didnt hav 2 hear about it anymore.
anyway kimmy is like me a few months ago. its so strange havin to see someone older inv a place i've already left. maybe thats the same with all of my friends. we're all on different trains. one day we'll meet at the same station, or wave at eachother from parallel platforms...
but eventually our trains will keep moving, and our stations will end up so far away that the previous stations are like a faded memory. its kind of sad. like im just gonna move away from everyone i love and care about. and i dont like knowing thats gonna happen.
i keep thinking perhaps if i find someone who wants to end up at a similar destination, then i wont feel so alone.
but everyone is hiding their tickets.
god that is an odd analogy. i just hope you get what i mean. 15

i feel like you're a diary. like im writing in a diary my crazy mixed up thoughts that no one will ever see.
but of course, when you get home, you will see them.
i wonder how fed up you'll be lol! 16

anyway, im sure il hav more odd thoughts for you tomorro. u dont have to read them if you dont feel up to it.
or if u cant be bothered. 17

i feel honest for once.
straightforeward and free of caring... 18

anyhoo. hope ur not sunburned and butt raped. or il be scared.
AND LOSE THE BEERGUT!
lol jokes. 19

ciao,
roxie 20

mark.
isnt it funny how a nice, cold bourbon and coke can be relaxing after a long, irritating day at work?
thats stupid.
no wonder so many people are alcoholics.
they cant find something more relaxing than alcohol.
maybe they dont want to.
ok the thought of today was sacrifice.
so there are 2 kinds right?
u can sacrifice your own needs and desires to benefit those around you
OR
you can sacrifice someone elses needs and desires without their consultation to benefit you.
so an example of the former would be to, say, give up a day at a spa (which you hav been lookin foreward to for quite some time, and may never get to do again) to be there for a friend who's extremely depressed and doesnt wanna be alone.
whereas the latter would be the government allowing alcohol abuse and smoking and gambling addictions without considering prevention because they make far too much money off other people's vices. thus, sacrificing other's health and well being for their own selfish desires.
the funny thing is, alot of the time when you're sacrificing things you do for yourself to help another, you dont care. cuz you know you're doin the right thing. but to take something...thats a different matter.
anyway enough about that. it was just on my mind when i got home. >.<
i hate when time seems to go forever. i feel like just throwing everything around and running. just running until time decides to catch up with me. same deal when time slips through my fingers. i feel like running just to catch up.
even though it wont help.
i used to just sit in the dark. just throw clocks away and sit there for hours and just feel time wash over me. of course you cant physically feel it, but i genuinely used to feel i was drowning.
thats when i stopped letting myself be alone. 21

people are the most frustrating beings in the world. you can never please them all at once. to please some people, you hav to disappoint others. and some times i just dont want to disappoint anyone. so i think about myself...and im still disappointing.
but whatever eh? kill em all lol! 22

anyway i gotta go buy body chocolate for a chrissie present...first i gotta find a fuckin place that sells it!
shit i only hav an hour to get up there lol
anyway ciao!
be good, if you cant be good, be fuckin good at it 23

roxie 24

mark.
well ok where do i start?
peta called me today cuz she got kicked out of home and she jus wanted to tell me shes livin in a shelter and shit. and i asked why.
stupid fuckin question. she always fuckin lies to me. im sick of it i hate people that lie cuz...ok judge this for urself.
she got kicked out cuz she beat her sister, threw a brick through her nan's window after beatin the crap out of her too.
but that isnt wot she told me. she told me she only hit her sister, and that her nan beat the fuck out of her.
which fuckin pisses me off cuz id still be her mate even if she told me the truth. i had to find out through other people-who then abused me to tears for being her friend-about what happened.
and it shits me. her sister is like, 11.
and i dont know...how the fuck do i deal with this? i cant talk to her anymore cuz im absolutely disguisted in what shes done. i hav no one else but you to kinda talk to about this and i wanna call you but ur drunk and it will probably be nothin tomorrow anyway but her sis is such a sweetie and i cant BELIEVE she has to put up with this.
and i dont like knowing.
and god i just wanna shoot pete in the head for what she keeps doing to everyone.
and she told the cops her nan beat her an so shes gonna cop it for petas lies.
what the fuck do i do with friends like this? i just wanna hurt her so bad man seriously.
but i cant.
because im not supposed to know.
so i hav 2 pretend to her like i dont know and the whole time im gonna wanna just lay into her until shes a bloody mess on the floor.
why do people drag me into this?
why am i dragging u into this?
im sorry i just needed someone to talk to.
a computer screen is better than nothing i guess.
goodnight marcus.
roxie
25