This So-Called Life.

PROLOGUE
-Christmas, 1998-
I sat there in memorization at all the snow outside in such a small, sardine packed town. My little 8 year old eyes poked out at all the trapped cars that looked like mice in a mousetrap. I then focused my attention at my 28 year old mother that was pregnacized. She was carrying little Cameron or whatever her name was. Or if it even was a her. She wanted to give it a C name like me.
Ohhh the joy.
But anyways, my point is that I don’t want a little sister... or if anything, a little brother... I don’t want a little anything. Their just so... little. I don’t get it. They just poke around at us older more mature people and scream and cry... I don’t get it at all.
I sat there against the old curtain mom got from grandpa a few Christmases ago. I look around the once furniture-inhabited living room. It was now pretty naked because of the move we were about to make. I glanced over to the big box in the middle of the room with scribbly blue letters that read “Clarissa.” The scribbly letters my mother, Tina wrote yesterday before she left for work. Yeah… she really shouldn’t be working but Jack
the supposed sperm giver of me
left my mom when I was 2 so she’s had to work herself to death and leave me with Tyler
the next door neighbor who is about 7 years older than I am.
Mom walked into the room and stared at all the boxes and then to me.
“What’s wrong, Clarissa?” She asked quietly, as if it were a secret; only for me to hear.
“Look... the snow. It looks like a big thing of vanilla ice cream plopped on us or something.” I said pointing out the window.
“Ooo that is pretty... oh.” My mom said.
The wind blew hard against the once healthy trees as the snow pattered harder against the hard black roof. A few minutes passed and it seemed like 7 inches fell. My mom kept uttering ‘oh’ and holding her stomach... I think it has something to do with Cameron but before I could say anything some guy burst in.
“Miss? You need to get out of here or else you will be engulfed in this mess.” Benjamin said.
“No... I am staying in this house... I’m going to... oh!”My mom said kneeling down towards the floor. “Ma’am... we need to get you towards the hospital... it looks like you are going to be going into labor.” Benjamin says pulling at mom’s arm.
“No... I am staying here.. with Clarissa.”Mom said pointing towards me.
“The snow is pounding harder onto the ground and the wind is blowing up something pretty terrible... we need to get you somewhere safer.“ Benjamin said,looking at my mom, who smiled.
“Okay.” Mom simply said.
We all left and ran to the tiny green Explorer parked in what looked like a tunnel made in the road.
Later that night, mom gave birth to Cameron, but mom didn’t make it. When Cameron got to be around 10, Cameron left to go find our dad and I’ve never seen her again. As for me, I’ve lived with my Aunt Etta and Uncle Cliff for the past 8 years, but its not like I’m ever there. You probably won’t hear anything about them or you’ll hear very little or maybe they are a main focus... who EVER knows in
this so-called life? 1

ch.1
I walk down the street in a thin black dress with a brown hat on top of my head. On my back, I have a black and pink skull backpack engulfed with buttons of different sorts walking towards a bright-colored cheerful blob. The blob with the bright clothes appears to be Meg, my best friend. I smile until I notice the white blob running out of a brown jaggedy blob which looked like the blob’s house.
“MEG!” the blob, which appeared to be Duncan calls. I faintly roll my eyes as I notice Duncan clinging onto Meg and kissing her on the cheek and the sort.
“Hunny..!” she manages to get out between giggles.
Meg and Duncan go on in their own little “world” they’ve evidently created as I stand, which from far away would like a black blob looking at a white and greenish blob combined.
I looked up to the stop sign in front of my face which might be a focal point at least maybe sometime in the story. It might be the car behind me wildly exceeding the speed limit or possibly the ant in front of my faded brown converse shoe, which was about to get squashed, so that cant possibly be of any importance.
I looked at Meg and Duncan and all I could think about is how they couldn't be thinking about the tiny little germs they are getting from eachother every second their tongues connect. Oh my god.. that's why. Just thinking about Duncan's tongue makes me want to gag. I'm different from everyone else who looks at the happy couple.
“What an adorable couple!”
“Their meant for each other!”
Everyone always would tell me.
But no one knew the horrible truth behind the ending of their union.
Not even me.
For all I knew, Meg and Duncan would get married and have ten billion kids with all the name of Earl and Susie. But of course, I’m sorry to inform you, that won’t happen.
I always wanted to think Meg would change her mind about Duncan. When they first started dating, I always would make up stuff about Duncan so Meg would dump him.
Unfortunately, that didn’t work. “They had been together for far too long to be unloyal to each other” Meg would always say after my absurd stories.
***
They have been together for 2 years. Ohhh the horror. No guy would be able to stand me that long I thought in my mind. Still remaining feet between me and the “happy couple,”
I looked at Duncan as he tickled Meg and I thought of what a weird little character he really was. He wore his hair a little darker, and he wore glasses with these weird red chucks and black or red shorts and some sort of a shirt with a weird Latin, Chinese, Spanish or Hebrew phrase on it. He was such a weird guy. But...2

Meg loved him.
Yes, all the way down to his weird little red shoes. 3

“Clarissa, do you want a ride?” Meg asked.
“…Ride?” I seemed to ask. But it’s not like they heard me. They were still about 17 or so feet away, and its not like they ever heard me talk to them anyways... so I just walked up to them while in the process of putting on my green jacket and I flung my backpack to the other side of the car and stuffed my pink fishnet stockinged legs inside as well and shut the door.
I looked outside the window as all the colorful blobs passed my eyes. They reminded me of a painting that I once did, not too long ago. It was called “The Town Made of Paper.” A painting with nothing to do with paper… let alone a town...4

I then felt the car come to a complete and sudden stop and it became silent except for the Coheed and Cambria blaring that also became mute as well as I heard the annoying “ding, ding, ding” of the car as Duncan quickly opened his door then opened the door for Meg and held her hand and then they walked like beautiful, togetherish couple people.
I then looked up, got out of the car, grabbed all of my stuff and shut the door. I noticed the sun was shining in the most particular way. It shone over the school and cast a weird looking shadow on the grass where the stoners sit in the morning or during the day when their bored or tired after one of their 3 hour days since you know, they don’t ever stay in school like everyone else.
I just stood and looked at the school, concentrating. I thought, “None of them know... all of them are supposedly healthy minded students being taught by A+ making, too big for their face smiling teachers. But they still haven’t a clue. All of them would never reproach their selves for the clue that they still don’t have. They are far too good for that.”
So me, Clarissa, to you, reader of this story, would seem to be a hard thinker. I think so much I suffer from migraines at night before I go to sleep my regular 4-5 hour sleep. I think about things normal people don’t think about. Ever.
“Hey Clarissa... come over here.” Haylor said motioning over to the grass.
Haylor was a burnout…. a TOTAL stoner, but cute. He didn’t look or really even act like a stoner either... but rather eye-catching. He had this spiky, kind of messy hair that was the cute messy, with really big brown eyes. He always wears some kind of black or orange shirt with jeans and a black zip up jacket over it. I almost forgot where I was while Stanley, Haylor’s goofy best friend came up and sat beside Haylor.
“Hey Haylor… Stanley.” I said.
“So… is all ‘woe is me’ having a good day?” Haylor laughed out.
“Heh heh… no.” I throw my backpack beside myself and sit down.
“Too bad, that’s too bad...” Haylor says touching my arm.
“And if you want your hand attached to the rest of your body you will get your hand off of me.” I say with a serious face and when he slowly takes his hand off of me, I smile.
“Hey Stanley... Clarissa.” Stanley’s girlfriend, Sandy managed to say before she started making out with Stanley.
How disgusting I thought. How utterly disgusting.
“So… what are you three talking about?” Sandy says shooting a glare at me, basically saying what the hell ya doin talkin to meh man?
“… I just said hi.” I managed to say.
“Yeahh...” Stanley agreed.
“Why are you acting like I am totally blaming you and saying that you are cheating on me with... with her.” Sandy says pointing at me, looking as if she had just ate some nasty food like let’s say “spinach”
“Okay... Sandy... shut up... I’m leaving.” I say while I leave with my stuff.
“Wait up, Rissa.” Haylor says and leaves Sandy sitting with Stanley.
“Well at least you’re with me... let the happy couple go make out or something.” Sandy says putting her arm around Stanley as he stands up.
“Wait up you guys!” Stanley runs over to them.
“What the hell are you doing, Stanley?” Sandy asks.
“BYE Sandy… I break up... (Under breath) annoying bitch…”Stanley says.
“I thought I meant something to you, Stanley... or do you want me to tell everyone your best friend Haylor’s REAL name? Huh huh?” Sandy says with an evil smile.
“What the hell, you told her my name?” Haylor asked pushing Stanley.
“Ehhh...” Stanley says. “E…”Sandy begins to say but is cut off my Haylor.
“No no… not the name. no don’t! Just stop while you’re ahead, Sandra.” He says.
“What was that name again? Ahh… Edward Anthony. That’s what it was.” Sandy says.
Clarissa laughs as she tugs at Haylor making sure he doesn’t punch Sandy, which even though sounded like a rather good idea.
Haylor, Stanley, and I leave and enter the school, which Haylor might I add, hasn’t done for quite some time. 5


My life is probably the most eventful at around lunchtime. My table is the most active. I have these people at my table.
Haylor was always the one throwing food at everybody alongside his best guy friend in the world, Stanley.
Meg and Duncan sat beside me; they were the only people at the table that actually ate their food.
Chastler was another girl at the table who didn’t really talk much. She did indeed have a big crush on Stanley though. Everyone knew it. (Except of course Stanley, who, like his best friend was a stoner.) 6

Then there was Reese.
The girl everyone wanted to be like. Of course, she didn’t sit at their table. She was popular. Along with pretty and soo sooo fake. Fake from her chest to well, just everything... I’ll just say.
“Hello... burnouts... and uhh... what’s your name again? I think I ask you for answers in Math class… David? Damon? Desmond? D-“She says
“It’s Duncan. Now leave me alone.” Duncan says.
“Ohhh did I hurt your fragile, nerdy feelings? Oh, I’m sorry... not.” Reese said as she twirled her hair and left with her ever so dramatic walk.
“I’m sorry, hunny...” Meg said as she kissed his cheek and he began to smile once again.
Chastler smiled and gave a pretzel to Stanley. Stanley ate it and continued throwing food at people with Haylor. Chastler just kind of looked around and continued eating her pretzels.
In some part of my mind, I kind of felt sorry for Chastler... she always struck me as that one girl from the Breakfast Club... the one that is so weird and doesn’t really open up to anybody in the beginning. Yeahh, her. She’s just so… weird.
Then the bell rings for us all to conjugate into blobs, if you were looking at us from about 20 feet away. But if you looked at us normally you could tell we looked like oversized ants in a not so gay mosh pit.
Meg and Duncan looked as if they could reenact every part in “Gone with the Wind” with their weird loveish crap they pulled as they “departed” as Meg calls it. If you want to know what I think about “departing” I learned it all from the god of life himself… Dr. Phil.
Anyways down to my story without getting into too lengthy details, I walked down the hall with my bag and comp book in hand and a pen stuck up in my ponytail that I created during lunch when I got bored. I then stopped at my locker because yeah, you guessed it, I got bored, and I got a book and boredly left my locker. Not much of a productive day. Ohhh well... I guess no day is really “my” day… or really anybody’s day for the record of calling out days here. Maybe they talk about that in this book… the history of our being... hmm... doesn’t look too promising.7

8

World War III has arrived. Meg and Ryan have started a new era of fighting constantly... but then they makeup... what is up with that? Yeahh... it’s getting rather annoying. I mean they fight during my music in the morning... my Fall Out Boy... number 8... on my FAVORITE cd here... and all they have to do is bicker. Okay, sorry... in the middle of an emotional breakdown... excuse me. 9

Okay... I’m back. Sorry... anyways,
“Why do you always whine about my hair...? It’s MY hair... I’m not whining about YOUR hair!” Duncan said one day.
“Well… your hair ALWAYS looks the same! Always boring... I’m not boring am I? Well... you just need to make it look better... you’re going out in public... with me. We’re going to get married... and I’m going to have a guy with boring hair… and oh my gosh the children-!” Meg says back.
“You are getting so conceited... why are you acting this way… you’ve never acted like this before.” Duncan says.
“Well... maybe its because I love you... and I cant live without you... I just want what’s best for you hunny... my dearest..” Meg says smiling at Duncan and then they go into this big makeup fest and its so Ahh.
Then I started to feel a little bit uneasy. I start thinking well... do I like the bickering... or did I like the gushiness Ohhh cry on the pillow cause I’m not with you Ohhh the agony? I don’t really know... but this bickering crap is honestly getting on my nerves… but I thought, it kind of is all Meg’s fault... and Meg is my best friend... so I went to my guide to my life.. Dr. Phil. 10

Well... he didn’t really help so I went to the next best thing... Haylor.
“Well... I think... well... no never mind, Rissa... I don’t wanna offend you or anything...”Haylor says.
“They did it.” Stanley interrupts, “Okay... its plain and simple... a couple that starts fighting right off the bat… Yeahh... it happens.”
“Are you serious? The sweet until its sickening couple? Ha… that’s funny.” I said.
“Rissa, it can happen to anybody… especially people like them.” Haylor said.
“Its blunt... but we’re telling you the truth.” Stanley said eating a sandwich.
“But... wouldn’t she have told me... of all people… her best friend?” I asked wondering if it would have made any difference putting that out there.
“She’s in love Clarissa... when you’re in love... you don’t tell people anything… it’s supposedly a bond?” Stanley said while throwing the remaining bit of his sandwich away.
“Thanks guys...” I turn away but Haylor grabs my shoulder.
“Have faith.” Haylor manages to say, trying to be some sort of voice of God.
“Haylor, you’re not God... stop trying to act like Him.” I turn away and leave.
“Let her go, man... she aint worth it.” Stanley says.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Haylor asks sitting down.
“Your thing for Clarissa... you’ve always had a thing for her... since like 5th grade.” Stanley says.
“Stanley… you’re stupid.” Haylor leaves to go get something out of the vending machine.
While Haylor and Stanley were wherever they were, I started to get some sort of feeling… actually there were two feelings. One was tinglish... and one was fear. I didn’t exactly know who belonged to the other side of the rope on the tingly feeling.
But I did know who the other tugger of the rope was on my way to feeling even more sickening with fear.11

12

“Hey... Stanley” Chastler manages to say passing him his pencil he dropped. “Oh yeah... uh, thanks.” He smiles and gets back to throwing another pencil across class. Meanwhile, a few seats up, I sit not paying attention to anything being “taught” or this 3 dimensional ultra cool pencil they said they created. I wondered about Meg. Poor Meg, I thought, but... wait a minute why am I pitying her? It was her fault in the first place. She did it. I looked across the hall where Meg was this hour. I looked at her and she appeared to be in the same disposition I was in at the moment, actually what I am nearly everyday.
I thought about how her life was ruined forever… by him. He pushed her to do it I bet. I bet it was him. That horrendous red shoe wearing trying to get what he wants stupid psycho freak. Good God... what am I saying? That’s horrible of me to say... I should pity Meg… what happens if she’s pregnant. Ohhh that would be horrible. Besides, Meg loves Duncan. Oh what am I kidding...? I shouldn’t be worrying about it. It’s not my problem... at least I hope not.
After the bell rang, the usual chaotic conjugation of people conjugated. I am getting rather used to this feeling that high school brings… at least I should be by now... I’m a sophomore. I’ve already experienced the melo-dramatic first year of doing things experience... even losing a best friend… Meg. I lost her for the record of first times… because of Duncan. She spent all her free time with him. I always go back to them don’t I? I’m sorry... I need to just get a life and deal with my own dramatic experiences that occur in my so-called life.
After all the conjugating ceased, I left school and went outside to share some words with Haylor.
“Well hey Rissa... I never see the likes of you so early in the afternoon, what’s goin on?” Haylor says as he sees me and my faithful backpack, Skippy (The faithful dogs always take the cool names) plop next to him. “Not much I guess... just the usual sluggiful day I’m guessing.” I reply. “So I’m taking the day isn’t taking you anywhere?” Haylor says. “Nope... never does really. But I just got sick of the conjugating emptiness that drifts in people heads as they conjugate…drives me nuts.” I say. “Well... that was a mouthful... ha ha.” Haylor replies to my long conjugating speech. “I’m getting to the point to where I say conjugating a lot.” I say openly as I sit and stare into the blackness that has become the town I “live” in... Elwood. Ohhh Elwood does suck the living daylights out of the people who live here.
“So... have you talked to Meg?” Haylor asked. “No... Haven’t talked to her in about... 3 days since Duncan and she took me to school the other day.” I say as I get a pencil out of my bag. “I saw her a few minutes before you came out here, she left looking not too good.” He says. “Sick? Really... hmm.” I say trailing off. “What’s wrong?” He asks. “Ohhh nothing... I have to go now. Be right back.” I say leaving him in the dust. “Whoa whoa whoaa wait…you aint leaving me.” He says grabbing his jacket and leaving with me. “Are you saying you want to go with me?” I ask. “Uhh... yeahh.” He answers. “Uhh... why?” I ask. “Because I… I... I want to. That’s why.” He answers. “Ohhh okay. “ Well... don’t be slow... I wanna get there this century… at least before HE gets there.” I say pulling his arm.13

14

“Where’s Meg?” Duncan asks sitting at the halfly empty table. “Uhh... in the bathroom?” Stanley says. “Under construction.” Chastler says playing with some hair sticks. “Well... actually... where’s Haylor, Clarissa as well?” he asks being completely befuddled by the disappearance of everyone. “Well… well... look what we have here.. Duncan and the Breakfast Club geek and the pencil throwing nerd.” Reese says passing by. “Shut up you plastic surgery Barbie.”Chastler says laughing at her own words. “What did you call me?” Reese asks turning around. “She said you looked as pretty as a Barbie.” Stanley says quickly. “Yes… that’s what I thought.” She says strutting her plastic... everything. “Thank… you.” Chastler says smiling. “Yeah... you’re welcome.” Stanley says. “I wanna know where my Meg is.” Duncan still, manages to say. “Just get over it, man.” Stanley says. “Yeah.” Chastler says too. “I don’t care... I wanna know where my Meg is.” Duncan says as he gets up and leaves. “DRRAMA QUEEN.” Stanley says laughing and throws something behind his back. “... Yeah.” Chastler says smiling.15

Haylor and I ran into unpleasantry at the Bernhand house. Meg’s parents. They seem to be caught by the nerves and Meg’s dad, Marvin was a nerve specialist. He stood a little taller than Harriet, his wife. He had darker hair like Meg’s and had a face like hers. He sported some glasses to go ‘undercover’ with his small blue eyes. He had a moustache that massaged his upper lip and if you looked close enough it moved back and forth when he talked. Now Mrs. B, Harriet, she was a little different. She was the kind, sweet mother like most moms portray. She always had a smile but when she didn’t she wasn’t all too nice (which I had only heard from Meg.) She wore her hair up and tight into a twistish sort of bun and her hair was a little blonder. She had also bigger, browner eyes than Mr. B. But right now, each of their eyes looked the same, shaking dark blue with worry but coaxed their eyes to have some sort of a ‘party’ look to disguise their guise of worry.
“Is Meg home?” I spoke up to say. “No.” Marvin said quickly. “Yes she is Clarissa. But rather… ‘Under the weather’ “Harriet came up to say. “May I see her?” I hoped. “No.” Marvin said even more sternly and quicker than before. “Why of course, Clarissa. I’m sure she’d like to see some friendly faces.” She said then gazed upon Haylor that was behind me smiling as well. “Speaking of faces, this one is one that is unclear... who are you, young man?” Harriet asks. “I am Edward Anthony Trollen, Mrs. B.” Haylor said, very gentlemanlike and not himself. “But... you can just call me Haylor. Everyone does.” He said shining himself off more. “Alright, well… Clarissa… Haylor. You two may go visit the under the weather woman ha ha.” She said trying to be funny but picked it up that it really wasn’t. “There’s cookies baking in the kitchen, you two may have some when they are done.” She adds and then walks off to the kitchen. Marvin sits back in his soaked-in chair that he always does and reads the paper that he always reads... yeah same date and everything. One day he decided he didn’t wanna go outside and get another one. The paperboy wouldn’t take sides and be the butler of the situation and bring Marvin’s paper in to him. So Marvin just didn’t bother.
“Pacers won.” Marvin said like he usually does when I come over. “Ohhh good hunny... when do they play next?” Harriet asks, interested. “May 6, 1996.” He says as usual. “Ohhh wonderful... we’ll have to watch it.” Harriet says.
Haylor and I walked off to Meg’s room. I knocked on the door. For a minute, the door seemed like an innocent bystander to me. It looked unnoticeable. Like I had never seen it in my life. It was like it was just a wall between me and a very unfortunate individual. Actually, it kind of was after all. I’m me... she’s unfortunate. It works.
“Meg?” I asked. “Claris-?” She cuts herself off and opens the door. “Ohhh... Clarissa…” She says while she hugs me. She beckons us to come in. “Tell me everything.” I demanded as soon as she laid down the welcome mat. 16

“Where is she?” Duncan asks the school office. “Ohm... I don’t know.” Mrs. A. replies. “Why the hell don’t you know?” Duncan asks bewildered by everything. “Watch that language young man!” Mrs. Young the assistant principal warned. “I wanna know where my Meg is.” He says almost crying. “She’s at home, she went sick, Mr. Respiin... she seemed to have some flu symptoms. She should be in bed sleeping.” Mrs. Dracyin, the school nurse said passing by. “Really? Are you serious? She’s sick?!” Duncan says. “Yes, Duncan.” Mrs. D. says. “Well. Then I have to go help her.” Duncan says running out the door. “Mr. Respiin... its only 12:30! School isn’t even over yet!” Mrs. Young says. “I DON’T CARE! I’m seeing my Meg!” Duncan says running out the door. “Crazy kids.” Mrs. A says, laughing. “What are you talking about, crazy kids? He’s truant from school now!” Mrs. Young says. “Ohhh let the kid go… young love only happens once, Maria.” Mrs. A says to Mrs. Young. “Yeahh I guess you’re right.” She says, laughing too. “So what are you going to do?” Mrs. D asks. “Just... let it go!” She says laughing. “You know, you could be a good asst. principal if you tried.” Mrs. A. says. “Why thank you.” Mrs. Young stumbles off to her room.17


“It’s true.” Meg says, admitting to her crime. “But I never thought...” I said trailing off.
My best friend had sex with dingo boy. I can’t believe it. I won’t. But I have to… shit. I wish I could rewind and tell her somehow like... ESP-ly that it’s wrong... he’s not the one... don’t frikkin do it. But no… it’s too late now. She’s already done it. Well, she’s screwed. Literally.
“Why...”I asked. “Duncan... he’s just so... ohhh you wouldn’t understand, Clarissa... the meaning of true love. When you fall in love it’s so wonderful... then to top it off... you have to have some fun... and express your love. This is Duncan and I’s way of expressing our love for each other.” Meg said.
“Well if that aint the biggest load of shit I don’t know what is. True love... top it off with sex. Ha! You wouldn’t know what true love was even if you tried! Sex... is something two people that are happily married share. Not two teenagers that haven’t even got some sort of a ring on. Meg, you should’ve watched yourself... Sex is nothing to toy with...”Haylor went on but was interrupted.
“Stop being my father. I know what’s good and what’s bad, Haylor.” Meg says getting up in his face.
“Evidently you don’t.”Haylor adds to the climax of the interaction of two unequal human beings. “Meg... is this the reason you really came home from school today?” I asked. “Well... kind of.”Meg replied, not wanting to reply. “Kind of?” I asked, not wanting to ask as much as she wanted to reply to the previous question. “Uhh... yeah.” She answered. “Well... what’s the real reason?” Haylor asked, standing with his arms crossed in the corner. “I don’t want to tell you.” She says standing up and turns, facing with her back to us and stares at the wall.
“Meg, I’m your best friend... well, at least I was. Until this utterly wrong person came into your life. You used to tell me everything... even if you didn’t want to tell anyone else. What happened to that? I thought we had a friendship... I kind of miss that. Now tell me what the hell is wrong with you Megan Rachelle Burrhand... tell me!” I said and then backed away as Duncan came slowly in. Meg turns and looks at me and simply says, “I’m pregnant.”
Watery waves cross her face that could’ve filled a thousand rivers. Her knees bent and she fell to my feet and cried even harder. Duncan and Haylor stood, still a little shock-ridden, stayed quiet. “Well, Duncan... what do you have to say for yourself, you little sleezball...” I said, disgusted with looking at his face.
“It’s not mine.” Duncan said backing up with his hands up like I was the police or something.
“Like hell, it’s not yours.” Meg said standing up and pointing at Duncan. “Its yours… and you are taking care of it like its yours... you are going to marry me and help me with it like its yours... because it damn well is yours... so don’t you dare tell me it isn’t yours. BECAUSE IT DAMN WELL IS!”Meg says still a little shaken.
“I’m sorry hunny... but I’m not ready to take care of a kid. I’ve not even went to college yet. I’m not ready for something like this.” Duncan says.
“Do you think I am, Duncan? I’m 16 years old... I wanted to have a life, too. I wanted to live a life with you, Duncan. I wanted it to be like we used to be. Not like how it will be now that we have this to deal with. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you planned, Duncan... but its what we got ourselves into... so deal with it… because.. I have to.” Meg says sadly, as she plops on her bed. I didn’t know what to say. I just kind of stood there, with the tug of war still going strong in my stomach… still the tingly feeling... and the fear feeling. Both tugging away and neither growing weaker. Just growing stronger and stronger as each second of silence and dawdling words were thrown into the air.18

I finally grew the courage to say something in this game of silentry. I guess I just can’t handle being quiet for more than an hour or something. Even though it was only 20 minutes of it. I guess I won’t win.
“I’m leaving... come on Haylor.” I said picking up my bag and heading for the door. “You will be with me there, wont you?” Meg said tossing a question in the air where the silence and dawdliness used to be.
“Be with you where?” I asked to her question, which is never really good to the person who asked the question before you... so I don’t support it normally. But in this situation... it’s okay.
“In the hospital room... I need you there. To help me through having this baby.” Meg says as Duncan sits beside her. “Of course... that’s what friends are for.” I said as I exited the scene with Haylor trailing, closely behind. “Do you want some cookies, you two?” Harriet asked.
“Sure, Mrs. B.” Haylor said and took the one on top. “Would you, Clarissa?” She asked. “No... I’m good.” I said walking away. Haylor took four more cookies and walked off with Clarissa and closed the door.
“She’s pregnant, Haylor.” I said walking faster than usual. “This sucks.” Haylor said. “I know… I wish she wasn’t...” I said. “I wish this cookie wasn’t filled with raisins and why the hell you walkin so fast?” Haylor said. “I don’t know… my adrenaline oddly goes on overdrive when my best friend is pregnant! What the hell are you thinking Haylor? Meg is pregnant… and all you can think about is raisin-filled cookies!” I said walking even faster. “I’m sorry, Rissa... I’m listening to you. I really am. I just can’t deal with these kinds of situations.” Haylor says. “I’m sorry too... I shouldn’t’ve jumped down your throat like that. She’s not your best friend... she’s mine.” I said. “So what are we going to do?” Haylor said. “I’m not sure Haylor; I’m really not sure what I’m going to do.” I said standing in the middle of the road.
I wanted to scream bloody murder. You know like the girl does at the end of all the Scary Movies? She screams “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and the movie ends and then another stupid movie comes out right? Well, see if I do that there’s one thing that we don’t have in common... and one thing that we do. The one thing we don’t is that if I scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO my life won’t end its stupidness and be normal. The one thing that we have in common is if I scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO there’s always something else even more stupid that comes right after the other. It always works for the better in the movies, I swear.19

I can’t stand it. She is 5 months through and she’s driving me CRAZY. She always talks about how she wants ice cream with pickles. GRRRRRRROSS. I have zero time to myself. AHHHHHHHHHH is what I’m screaming inside. Somebody help me out of this hell hole. Thank God Haylor is helping me. He finally put down the cookies to help me with a friend that needed help the most. Duncan was along with as well. You know something else, when you looked at Meg, you would never really be able to tell she was pregnant. She still looked like a stick... well kind of. More like a thick stick. Also, another side note, Duncan isn’t really ‘that bad’ either I guess. He’s actually kind of nice. Ha, what am I kidding? He’s a nerd.
“I want some pickles... I’m so hungry, Clarissa.” Meg said whining before she goes into drama class. “I’m sorry Meg... but you have to go to drama before lunch. I’ll see you there... have fun.” I said trying to be smiley.
“She doing good?” Haylor asked, seeing me in the hall. “Not at all... she can’t take it. She’s always hungry.” I laugh. “Ohhh... having a little fun are we?” Haylor asks. “No… not at all.” I answer. “Clarissa, have you ever thought that we...” Haylor asks but is interrupted by Duncan. “Is Meg alright? Did she make it to drama okay?” Duncan asks. “Yes, she is theatrically in bliss.” I say passing Duncan. “Now, what were you about to say?” I ask. “No... nevermind.” Haylor says. “Uhhmm okay. Whatever.” I say. “Well... I have math. Gotta go. See you at lunch?” I say. “Yeahh. YEAH. Of course.” Haylor says, smiling.
Haylor’s acting weird. Weirder than the Haylor weird... and what was he going to ask me?
Damn... that’s going to be echoing through my walls today. Good grief, not another thing… ahh.
“Pass me my pencil.” Reese says to me while I’m appearing to be numb to her voice. Hmm wonder why I can’t hear her? “Pass me my pencil, retard.” Reese says a little louder. Still, I just keep writing. “Pass me the damn pencil, Clarissa.” She says standing and saying loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Reese, that is completely inappropriate for test-taking. Go to the office. Clarissa, bring me that damn pencil.” Mr. Geraint says. “Okay.” I say. Math is so boring.20


Haylor was seated first at our lonely brown table between the Asians and the cheerleaders. He actually had a lunch tray and was consuming the school’s “food”
“Hi... Haylor.”I said sitting beside him and putting my backpack on the table. “Hey Clarissa.” He answered. “What are you doing?” I asked poking his “potatoes” with his fork. “Hey... hey I’m going to eat that.”Haylor said taking the fork. “Yo Haylor, why are you eating today we are supposed to go at it with the jocks today.” Stanley says entering the contest of “Where is Haylor?”
“I’m not sure if Haylor will undergo anything but extreme pain if he doesn’t speak up.” I say as I poke his forehead.
“I cannot tell you.”Haylor said looking at me straight in the eyes. “Okay… but will you at least act normal?” I ask sitting back down.
“I’m sorry Clarissa... but I’m afraid I can’t hang out with you anymore.” Haylor said standing up and leaving into the non-conjugating hallway.
I listened as the blood that once flowed so peacefully inside of me started to leave. It felt as if the color of my face grew green. At least that’s what everyone was asking about. As I skimmed around the room, darting my eyes this way and that I noticed... my life is gone. The life that I once interrupted not so casually from its peaceful slumber. I totally ruined my whole life… and I don’t even know why... or how I even did it.
But the tug of war continues in my stomach... and I am bound and determined to figure out why.21

“Haylor, by giving up on her... I didn’t mean totally not speaking to her. She’s like your best friend.” Stanley said. “Ehhh...” Haylor simply shrugged. “Stop it, Haylor. I don’t like this… you’re getting on my nerves. You are acting like a child.” Stanley said.
“Child? Ha. You’re saying I’M a child... that’s real funny, Stanley. You throw things at people and you’re calling me a child.” Haylor said, getting out a cigarette. “Stop it Haylor… you are acting like an insane person. You love that girl. She is your life. Now do the right thing… you are a smart person.” Stanley said. Stanley said as he left Haylor by himself. Haylor throws the cigarette and puts his head in his hands. The new girl, Beatrice walks by him but then stops and sits beside him. “What’s wrong?” Beatrice asks. “Why are you worried about me? You don’t even know my name. Hell, I don’t even know yours.” Haylor said. “The names Beatrice Lilian.”Beatrice said sitting down. “Haylor.” He said looking away from her. “Now tell me, what’s wrong?” Beatrice said, sympathetically. “Do you always go up to random people when they feel like killing themselves?” Haylor asked. “I am going to be a psychiatrist when I get older. I work part time over there at the local office now.” Beatrice said, smiling. “I feel like dying, is that what you were looking for me to say?” Haylor said. “No...” Beatrice said. “I just told the girl that I loved that I can’t talk to her anymore.” Haylor said. “Does she love you back?” Beatrice asked. “I don’t know... I mean, we’ve been best friends for some time.” Haylor said. “Well... arrange to meet and talk to her... get all your feelings out.” Beatrice recommended. “Okay...” Haylor said smiling a little. “Thanks you really helped out a lot.” Haylor added and patted her on the back. “Well... anytime” Beatrice replied. Beatrice was a 16 year old whom wore glasses and wore her hair back a lot. She was a smaller person who liked to solve problems in which she was interested in the psychiatrist field. But Haylor still remained clueless... as he thought of the phone call to his love... but yet still his dear friend... and how he was going to tell her he loved her.22


Later that night, I actually went to my Aunt Etta and Uncle Cliff’s house. I sat on my bed and laid in the middle of my many pillows.. I always had a thing for pillows and even though I didn’t pay attention much to my aunt and uncle, they did spoil me an awful lot. I sat there thinking of that silence that I was undergoing at still mid-brightness outside. It was still about 5:00. I had nothing else to do. But then I heard a ring noise sounding by my ear. I instantly jumped up and took it in my hand.
“Hello” I said.
“Hi Clarissa... its Meg.” Meg said.
“Ohhh hey girl.” I said, reclining back.
“I’m 8 months, can you believe it?” Meg asked.
“Really? It seemed like just yesterday you were only 5.” I said.
“I took a few tests... it’s a girl.” Meg said happily.
She’s always wanted a girl.
“Ohhh good. You can name her that name you’ve always wanted to name a girl.” I said.
“Yeahh... I changed what I’m going to name her though.” Meg said.
“Ohhh really? What have you changed it to?” I asked.
“Jordan Rachelle” She simply said.
“Our middle names… you’re naming her after us?” I asked, in shock.
“Of course... best friends forever... remember?” She said, I could tell she was smiling.
“You’re such a great friend, Meg.” Clarissa said.
“Ooh sorry to cut it short, Rissa… but dad is home... have to go get something to eat. Love ya! Bye!” She said then hung up the phone.
I sat the phone back down. I couldn’t even settle in the words that had just entered my head, because all of sudden the element of surprise struck me... the phone rang again.
“Hi?” I asked.
“Hi... Clarissa.” A familiar, rather higher voice replied back.
“What’d you want?” I asked.
“I wanna talk.” Haylor said.
“Well... then let’s talk.” I said.
“Will you meet me outside your house at about 5:10?” Haylor asked.
“Okay.” I said, trying to hide my happiness.
“See you.” Haylor said, and then hung up.
I hung up after about a few seconds.
I haven’t much time to think about what I’m going to say. What am I saying? This is Haylor... I never plan out the things I’m going to say. What am I saying? I then looked out the groggy window but still, I saw the spiky haired Haylor dressed in a green shirt with jeans. I’ve never seen him look so good. Whoa whoa... Clarissa... get a hold of yourself. You’re acting like you... no... you can’t possibly be... no…
As I stood there in mid-walking out the door holding my backpack still staring out the slightly purplish window at Haylor I realized...
I like Haylor... I might even l...ove him.23


I soon caught reality and pulled my door open and walked down the dull non ornate hallway. I then turned down from the corridor and opened the door... the door to him.
I stood there for a second staring at him, once more as I had inside of the house, previously.
“Hey Clarissa!” Haylor said bringing me back to life.
“Hi Haylor!” I said, trying to sound happy.
He then walked up to me and shook my hand.
“Nice seeing you again.” He said, sounding like our friendship had aged for years since we had last spoken.
“Yes… it is. I much rather like talking to you better than you being mean to me.” I said. “I guess I deserve that... we should go sit down.”Haylor said. “Okay.” I said and we went and sat behind my house on the swing. Everything had been going through my mind as we sat there for the few seconds of silence. “There’s been… something that’s been on my mind lately.” Haylor said. “Yeahh... me too.” I said. “Oh you too?” He asked. His hand moved closer and closer to my leg as we continued talking. “Yeahh... I just finally figured myself out a few seconds before I stepped outside.” I said. “Ohhh really ha ha.” Haylor said sitting back then smoothly rested his arm behind my neck on the back of the swing. “You wanna... go first?” Haylor asked. “No... yours… sounds much much more important.” I said. “Okay... well. I’ve... there’s this… I really... I like you a lot Clarissa.” Haylor said stumbling word after word.
Not to mention it was very cute.
“I like you too Haylor... you’re like my best friend... duh.” I said.
“No... I really like you. I’ve felt this way since about 4th or 5th grade.” He said, confessing.
“Well… I hope so, Haylor. I mean we have been friends for about some time.” I said.
“You know you are being incredibly difficult?” Haylor said.
“I’m trying my hardest.” I said.
“What I’m trying to say is... I wanna be with you.” Haylor said.
“I love you...” I let slip out.
Ohhh goodness... what’s going to happen next? I mean, I just told him I loved him. I never let that slip out. NEVER. Love? What the hell is love?
“I love you too.” He said too.
It seemed like time raced by so fast that it felt like it had stopped.
Because as I looked at him he slowly came towards me and cupped my chin in his right hand and ran his lips against mine... and all of a sudden life didn’t seem so complicated. It seemed so free. His lips were so soft and gentle and it felt so right.
.. I didn’t wanna stop.
He then slowly pulled away but then I went forward and brought him back to me.
It was the best time I ever had in my life... because at that time I noticed... all this time I’ve wanted to be close to him.24


Later on about midnight...25

The phone rang off the hook about 3 times as I drooped to my left side to pick up the phone. “Yeah?” I asked.
“This is it, Rissa.”Meg said.
“Ohhh god… okay. I’m there.” I said then I hung up the phone.
I automatically called Haylor.
“Haylor... hospital… Meg... now.” I said.
“Okay... I’ll be there.” Haylor said.
I jumped up and draped my clothes on quicker than I ever had before. I shoved on my yellow shoes that I hadn’t put on in about a month.
I ran outside all the way to the hospital…
Even though it was an incredibly far distance.26

“Meg Burrhand.”I said at the desk. The nurse pointed left.
“You bitch! Tell me where she is!” I said.
Haylor came from my right side and grabbed my arm as we ran to her room.
I then saw Meg; she looked like the unfortunate individual I had imagined her as that one day.
It was so sad to speculate my friend getting her life sucked out of her.
It was terrible.
I then glazed my eyes over at the geek.
That damn geek.
He just had to have a dick, didn’t he?
Of course he did.
I looked over to Haylor, who looked really tired... but cute.
Meg screamed as I was peacefully about to fall back asleep.
“She’s going to go into labor.” The nurse announced.
I watched as my friend was being taken away in that long hospital bed.
Too young... I thought. Too young.
“CLARISSA!” Meg screamed looking back at me.
I ran to her as I felt Haylor’s presence behind me, running as hard as I was.
“You’re going to be in there with me.” Meg said, smiling.
…she had such a pretty little smile... it filled her face completely.
We all went inside the room and was handed stringy green outfits and a mask.
The Burrhand parents looked even more nerve-stricken than that of that one night.
I looked at Haylor, so calm. Ohhh and so refreshing.
Meg screamed.
Meg screamed once more and she clung to my hand so hard.
So hard it made me cry.
The baby had made it out, looking so gentle... It looked like her too. So full of life so...
I didn’t feel her even stroking my hand like she had been. I looked over to her and froze in my spot.
Meg…! I screamed.
Her eyes were shut and her head to the side of the hospital bed.
“Meg... hunny.” Harriet said.
No… it can’t be. No… but Meg is my best friend. She’s been there for everything. She can’t leave me now. She told me she’d be there for my wedding when I get married... when I have my first kid. We were supposed to share an apartment together when we got out of high school. Us and our Chinese Crested... she always loved that dog from “How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days.” Why did she have to leave now? I want her here. With me.
Duncan ran up to her small little body that was sprawled across the long hospital bed, with all the life drifting from her body that had once flowed so bouncily inside of her. He grabbed her hand and kissed it. He then dropped down and began crying.
I just stood, frozen in the same spot, not even once looking anywhere else but at her. I then felt as if I had shrunk two inches... Everyone else was around her, unbelieving the fact that she is gone. But I can’t help it… I can’t move.
Haylor stared at me and clung onto my waist as I turned around and cried into his chest.
My best friend is dead... 27


The funeral seemed to run on for hours. Even though my mind was totally set on straight to the problem that was occurring and growing deeper inside of me.
The fear tugger had given up. He let go and killed my best friend.
The tingly feeling however hadn’t drained out.
I looked over and saw Duncan. Sweet little innocent Duncan.
HA! Stupid Duncan… I wish he would’ve died.
I then stroked my eyes over Haylor who was seated to the right of me.
I caressed the side of his hand and smiled my first smile since all the chaos started to occur.
“You will be okay... I promise. I’m right here.” He said, kissing the side of my forehead.
“No… I won’t. She’s always been there... I need her.” I said staring at my feet. “Time heals all wounds.” Haylor recited as if he were reading from some book. “You actually believe that? Time just makes all your pain go to your head... and eventually kills your best friend.” I said as a few tears swept my cheek.
I wanted everything to go away.
I wish that Duncan could’ve not been there. He didn’t care about Meg.
He was just there for the last part of her life... I’ve been there through everything.
EVERYTHING.
“Clarissa Tylers.”someone uttered.
“Yes?”I said looking up.
“Do you want to speak?” it turned out to be the round red cheeked little guy that was speaking the whole time that I tried desperately not to listen to.
“Yeah.”I said, standing up and going up there to the podium.
“I would like to speak on the behalf of the girl that was once my best friend, but also my lifelong sister. She was always there for me when I needed her. It didn’t matter if she had something else to do... she’d put it all down just to listen to my problems. She got me through all that middle school-pre high school area that worried me so much. I know that I’ve touched her life too. I mean, I was even there when she had to go through the experience of having her first boyfriend, Scott Craddick… in 4th grade. She thought she was going to marry him... and I was even there through the experience of her 3rd and last boyfriend Duncan Respiin… these past few years... and she loved him so much. She talked about how they would talk for hours about the world and issues that came about. They’d laugh and cry about the past… and they’d share their common interests with each other. She knew she was serious about their relationship... and she knew he was it. Just like I knew he was it for her too. But now, as I look back at all this stuff that she and I have gone through and accomplished, no one can ever put against her that she didn’t have a good life... because from the day I met her... until the day that she passed on.. I’ve never missed a smile.” I spoke the words and remained silent until the people that were in the pews ended crying. I then sat back down in my seat next to Haylor.
“That was the best speech I’ve ever heard in my life.” He said as he kissed my hand.
I laid my head against his soft shoulder and cried throughout the rest of the funeral. 28


I walked in with Haylor to the meeting room with Meg’s parents, Duncan and his parents. My uncle and aunt came as well.
The head of the meeting stood taller than the rest of us and had black slicked back hair, professional looking, and green eyes.
“Okay this is the meeting of Meg Burrhand.” Tom Yvette, the tall guy, said.
“Meg would’ve liked for all of you to have something close to her. Here, Duncan, you can have all of her pictures and her camera. She loved taking pictures of you. Here, Haylor... these are all her cds and her posters and Clarissa, heres her fav. hat and her jacket and her jewelry box.” Harriet said.
“Who will take care of Jordan Rachelle?” Duncan asked.
“We will take care of the baby” Mr. Burrhand spoke up.
“Where is the baby?” I said.
“She’s still at the hospital... getting tests ran on her to make sure she is healthy.” Harriet answered.
“Okay.” I responded. I looked at all of Meg’s items that she looked at daily. She loved her hat... and her jacket. I remember when she got them. I was there. She loved the color gray on jackets… and now I have it. 29

Haylor gave me a hug; I guess he saw the sad, dull look in my eyes as I sat there. I just wasn’t taking this very well. I wasn’t ready for all of this. I’m only 16. I shouldn’t have to prepare for such things as deaths of people my own age from pregnancy. I shouldn’t have to. But I am forced... and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it this time.30


A few days later...31

Jordan Rachelle Burrhand came to the Burrhand home January 15, 2005. She was as delicate looking as can be and looked like Meg and Duncan so much. I just couldn’t believe that Meg had been carrying this around for 9 months... and I’m just not going to finish that sentence.
“Hey Clarissa... can you get out her old play set? It’s right inside her closet.” Harriet said.
I then stood up and made my way to Meg’s old room that I had visited so often. I opened the friendly door and peered inside her old room. I walked through her room that remain as it had been, she had scattered all different clothes out all over the place where she had been hurrying to pack her bag as she made her way to have Jordan.
..I miss her.
I traveled across to her open closet and delved into her closet to pull out her play set. I then bumped my head on the top shelf of her closet and fell backwards and then a piece of paper dwindled its way to my stomach.
I sat up and stared at the piece of paper. I then carefully opened the paper as if was as delicate as Jordan.
I opened it all the way up and became stupefied.
I remember this...32

*FLASHBACK*
(5 years before)33

Meg walked over to me and showed me a piece of paper. “What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a will… its something that alive people write before they die and write about what they would like to give to the ones that are still living.”Meg said.
“Ohhh... I see!” I replied. “What’d we need a will for?”
“Because we never know if we write one later…******.” Meg said logically.
“So... is this my will too?” Clarissa asked.
“Of course it is.. Its our will. We’re best friends.”Meg answered.
“Okay!” I said.
“Now.. what shall we write first?” Meg asked.
“Give your dad and mom and my aunt and uncle a thousand dollars!” I exclaimed.
“But wouldn’t they be gone before us?” Meg asked.
“So? I hear that all people that die leave their parents or guardians a large sum of money.” I said.
“OH okay.” Meg said and wrote that down. “Now what else?” Meg added.
“Oo oo.. if either one of us has a kid, the other has to take care of it like its theirs.”I said.
“I like that one.” Meg said, adding it as well.
“Whoever we’re married to, they get the furniture!” I said.
“Well.. duhh.. they’d prolly still live there.” Meg answered.
“Oh.” I said.
“I like that.. it looks good.” Meg speculated it.
“Where are we gonna put it?” I asked.
“How about up here.. underneath this bucket. On my top shelf.” Meg said standing on her tip toes to put it up on the top shelf.
“There we go.. whoever dies first has to get this out and show everyone else what we are giving them and oo.. here we can put up here in this little baggy the money we saved up for them..” I said.
“Ooo I like that idea.” Meg said and put a bag beside the bucket and we each put a quarter in it.34


“Oh my God..” I said in astonishment. Haylor opened the door to spectulate me sitting on the floor staring at a piece of paper. I then stood up and took out the bag that we layed $.50 in. I looked at Haylor and showed him what I had found and we both then noticed the second line of which stated I was to take care of her child if she died.
I cant take care of a kid..i’m 16.
“Did you find the playset, Clarissa?” Duncan said as came in to disturb the peacefullness in the room.
“Yeahh.. I did. Here.” I said shoving it in his face, staring at the piece of paper still.
“Whats that?” Duncan asked, holding the playset.
“None of your business.” I said staring at him dead straight in the eyes.
“Sorry I asked.” He said leaving.
I ran out of the room and showed Harriet and Marvin, saying that she wanted me to take care of it, but Harriet and Marvin shook their heads in disapproval.
“Why? Meg wanted me to.. and we even saved up $.50 for you.” I said shoving the bag with the two quarters in it in their faces.
“You are 16.. as old as Meg was when she found out that she had to take care of this baby. I am not going to put that stress on you.. you need to live your life. You’ll just be looking in the past if you take care of little Jordan.” Harriet said.
I am never going to forget Meg. She was my best friend. Why ever wouldn’t I want to take care of the closest thing that I have to her that I’ll ever get?
“This is the closest thig I have to Meg.. I never want to forget her. She is and always will be my best friend.” I said. “Well.. I’m sorry Clarissa, but this was my daughter’s baby.. she is the closest thing to me, too. She will remain here.” Harriet said.
“Whatever..”I said sitting back down on the sofa.
Such a bitch. I would’ve taken care of it anyways if Meg was still around.
I kicked up my dirty gray shoes on top of their table. Harriet gave me a dirty look.. but I didn’t care. I felt it my job to take care of this kid.. if I couldn’t put a spit of intelligence into the life of my best friend.. I could help redeem her baby.35


The next few days at school went on like an endless blur. An endless non-congigated blur. The colors of everyones faces grew an instant white as the announcements were set on to the tone of a funeral sermon, like the one Haylor had accompanyed me to. My principals dull dull voice spoke like a person from one of those old TV shows.. the ones that narrated sequences. “..it was cold cold night..” But she showed no signs of eagerness or repentance in her voice. None. Not even the sports schedule that she normally bounces through. Oh well.. without Meg.. its like a big blur has came across the sky and has painted a big black ‘x’ over Elwood. Ohh well. I’ll live. I think.
Chastler and I had grown to become pretty good friends. We have been talking about Stanley. And she asked me why Haylor and I arent dating.
HA.. me.. dating. That ones great. I just sat there and thought of something and a song entered my mind.
“At last.. my love has come along. My lonely days are over”
What exactly do those lyrics signify? I mean, yeah yeah sure.. oo I’ve found someone. Yippee freaking doo da. But I mean, what do they really stand for? Do they stand for someone that has been searching for someone? Or someone that hasn’t been that has just been sitting there twidlin their thumbs waiting? You never know. So that one could be about Meg. The one that has been searching all her life for that one. Or better yet could be me. Just twidlin her thumbs waiting on someone to maybe possibly come along.. even though they are standing right in your face yelling “HELLO CLARISSA! ARE YOU IN THERE?”
Or it could just be possibly happening at the time you’re just so totally spaced out you don’t recognizing it.
“HELLO CLARISSA! ARE YOU IN THERE?” Haylor says waving a hand in my face.
“Whoa.. yeah. I’m here.. I think.” I said. I turned around and gathered myself in my chair.
“Are you okay?” Haylor asked. I leaned over and puked.
“Oh.. my.” Chastler said. Stanely put his arm around Chastler and cupped his hand over her eyes.
“Does it fucking look like I’m okay?” I asked.36

37

I found myself lying on a bed looking at a ceiling that didn’t look my familiar ceiling. The one with all the twirls about 5 of them in a row and a few pencils were stuck up there.. but not right now. It was a pale blue surface with no swirls or any pencils any where in sight. But there were a few cobwebs. I counted nothing as I stared up at the non decorated ceiling as a particularly bald tall man entered the premises. I hadnt a clue who the hell this dude was but I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to enjoy his company very much. He smelled like onions. Gone bad. Ewww.
He reminded me of one of those guys that ate two, three watermelons a day. Hell, maybe even four. It didn’t really matter much to me because I knew where I was now.
They sent me to a fucking shrink.
“Hello, Miss Clarissa Tylers. I’m Dr. Robert T. Strong. I am about 29 years old and I am married with 2 children of the ages 10 and 9. Their names are Miranda and Taylor. I live in the suburbs with my wife, Gloria and my kids.” Robert said. “Now.. Miss Tylers.. how about your life.. how is your life?” His hands folded in front of his badly extended stomach that badly exceeded his jacket.
“Did you practice that god forsaken speech long? Wheres the paper I wanna see all the little notes you wrote down.” I said crossing my arms, snickering as he stood there with absolutely no expression appeared amongst his face.
“No dip, sherlock. Of course you have a perfect life.”I said staring at him straight in the eyes. “Your life is perfect.. right? The white house with the blue shutters with the grand piano and the golden retriever. Yeah and you probably have what 4, maybe 5 porsches? Yeahh hell, maybe even 6. Your wife is probably an elementary school teacher that ties her hair up in one of those tight little teacher buns and yells at kids to pay attention all the time. But do you want to know what my life is like? My life is shit..” I began.
“Miss Tylers..” He interrupted.
“No Mr. Robert.. just let me go.. I’m on a roll here.. now where was i? ohh and my life is ultra shit even. I come home.. actually no sometimes I don’t .. because I normally stayed with Meg and she’d go every morning to Duncan’s house and she’d forget I was even there and ask me if I wanted a ride.. even though I do it every singe day of my indispicable life. Then I’d go and meet with Haylor.. and then we’d go to lunch a few snoring hours after that and I‘d watch him and Stanley throw stuff at people. But now.. guess what? Yeah yeah guess what? My life is even more than ultra shit.. its bigger than shit.. it’s a word that you cant explain it with. Cuz now I have to walk to school and I don’t even talk most of the time when I go to school.. whats there to talk about? The fact that you’re all just crazy psychotic blobs forced to stick your nose in these gross gum filled ‘books’? I mean, there are even penis drawings in the books.. and you don’t even get the pleasure of looking at greatly drawn ones.. and they are all drawn by guys.. I mean, you think they would draw them good I mean, they have a model. I could draw a better f’ing penis then they could! But yeah, Mr. Strong.. Robert.. my life is shit.. because my best friend died.. and there is nothing that a shrink like you can do about it!” I said as I folded my hands in front of my un-petruded stomach.
“Riddlin.”Mr. Strong spouted aloud and wrote on a series of yellow papers.
“What the hell? Why are you putting me on psycho medicine? I’m not a f’ing psycho.” I spouted louder. He looked at me and swallowed.
“It is not psycho medicine.. its to get you calm. You arent a very calm person, Miss Tylers.” He said.
“WHAT THE HELL! I am calm, this is calm.. I am calm. See? Calmness.”I said then I sat down. “ Besides, I have heard about that stuff.. its for people who have ADD.” I added.
“Miss Tylers.. you are going through the process of ‘mourning’.. and it will be very hard for you.. because you are so..”He said but was interrupted by me.
“Irrational? Discursive?Absent-minded? Surreptitious?” I asked.
“Definetely not surreptitious.. it involves the word ‘quiet’ and not explaining your feelings to anyone.. you are evidentally unafraid of sharing your feelings with anyone.” The angrily writing psychiatrist said writing something of an anonymous sort. Something I will probably never read.38


A few unwordly moments passed and I had enough of this retarded atmosphere I was forced-literally forced- to breathe in. I walked out of the room and regained myself. But instantly my body broke down. I let all those thoughts and pictures creep back to me. It was as if she was still there… telling me to cut all this shit out. Telling me I wasn’t being understanding. But she was the one that let me slip away to the way I am. I never used to be this way. So disconnected and well.. rather sad. She always told me I could be a better person.. and she never let me be someone that no one could deal with. That’s when God hit me on the back of the head.. literally.
*Big falling by me sound*
I opened my eyes and felt the back of my head which seemed to be unharmed.. but really in reality hurt like f’ing hell. There was a figure standing above me casting a silhouette upon me.
“Are you okay?” The person asked. “Hell yes I am okay.” I got up and brushed myself off.
I felt the back of my head alittle more and stormed my way through the brown door that lead outside.
I then resulted to my aunt and uncles house thinking that nothing like a ‘bolt out of the blue’ would happen. Learned the expression from the author Lemony Snicket. He said that this expression describes a person with which feels or looks as if they were just hit by a bolt of lighting from the blue sky. Where their head spins and their bodies wriggle, like something of that sort. Well anyways, I felt as if my house would be a refreshing reclination from the stryofoam feeling ‘couch’ I was forced to sit upon. Well.. you’re probably think yeah.. you should be able to have a nice sleep and be fully awake the time morning awakes me and you can forget about this whole ordeal that seems to be invading or tackling with great power at me.
Well.. I’m sorry to put you in this position, but you are utterly wrong.
I walked up my walkway with a great big slump of a walk. I was wearing my “doors” shirt with a pink long sleeved shirt underneath with dark green pants with my brown converse shoes.. so I prolly appeared to look like, from about 20-30 yards away, to be a small white and pink blob engrosed with some dark green and brown. I also carried my black/pink “Skippy” backpack. But none of that entirely interested me when I was walking down the walkway and especially was the least of my worries as I opened my door.. and especially when I walked through my door and found the one thing I had been trying so long to forget that I even had. 39


“Hi Clarissa.. I’m..”she began to say. “I know who you are.” I said looking at her. “I’ve been in England for the past 6 years, Clari.. I found him.”she said all childlike. “Cameron.. why are you here? Now?”I asked. “I havent seen you since you were 5, Cameron. I havent got to see you for 6 years! No one understand me. No one.. but you’re my sister. I havent even had someone that can actually understand what I’m going through. Meg died Cameron. Remember Meg? Yeah, she died a month ago.. from giving birth at age 16.. and as for dad..”I said then slowly slowed my words as I glanced my eyes upon the person I never thought I’d ever come face to face with..
my dad?
He had a slender looking, smiling face. He looked actually healthier than I had painted him out to be. He had the same blue eyes as I and Cameron did. I cant believe I never saw this person in my life and I was already jumping to conclusions that it was my father.
“Clarissa.. meet Stanley Tylers.. our daddy.”Cameron said with her perky little voice.. totally opposite of mine. She had blonde hair for god’s sake. I had.. well lets not talk about that.
“Nice to meet you Clarissa.”Stanley said smiling. Of all the names on the babynames.com and they picked his name to be ‘Stanley’? What kind of atrosciously thinking people would come up with a name like Stanley?
I don’t get it.
“Nice to meet you? You’re my father. You don’t just walk up to the daughter that you havent been searching for and say nice to meet you!” I said going off to my room.40

That night I called Haylor and he soothed my head a lot. He came over alittle while after I called him. “Well.. see I think you should get to know your sister again. I mean, you havent seen her in over 6 years..”Haylor said, sitting beside me.
“I don’t know, I mean, she is my sister and all.. but shes blonde and she acts all bouncy and kiddish. I’m not sure if I necessarily enjoy that.” I said.
“Rissa.. you were friends with Meg.. best friends with Meg and she was a friendly smiling and a little bouncy kind of person.. and you didn’t judge her like that.” Haylor pointed out.
“You seem to be becoming somewhat of a ‘Dear Abby’.. am I supposed to be liking that?”I asked.
Haylor made me feel so many different feelings all in one.. he brought back the old me. The old expressive-in a love sense-type of way. Him and I have been through a lot together. He has been through it all with me.. because I’d tell him everything.. still do. But now, even more so.
Which makes me think.. should I really take some of the things Chastler told me awhile back?
I mean, she seemed to want us to go out. But would that make everything weird?
“What do you think will become of us?”I asked. Haylor turned his head and then came back with a smile. “Well.. I think we should go out.. and then of course later get married.. and then..yeah whatever comes after that.” Haylor said becoming a little corny, but then stopped himself.. he didn’t wanna appear chickish.
“What a coincidence, I think we should go out too.. and then all that other stuff later.”I said.
“Well.. do you really wanna be with me? I mean, I’m Haylor.”he said. “Of course.. cause you’re totally hott.” I said.. not really believing this conversation has actually been put into my mind.
Haylor laughed. I guess we both brought out the real us when we were with eachother. It was if we were in that room forever. Just talking and sharing eachothers thoughts. Because now I finally realized.. after all this time of living in this hateful way, that I’ve had the person who understands what I’m dealing with.. right in front of me.
Right in front of me.41

“Ohh.. its already time for me to leave.. but I don’t wanna go.” Haylor said. I looked out the window through that hazy mess, that a storm had brewed up as we were talking. It suddenly slowed down to just sprinkles in seconds. “Well.. we can see eachother tomorrow.. and if you want.. we can talk on the phone tonight.” I suggested.
“Alright.. then we can do that.” Haylor said smiling, and putting on his jacket.
We walked across the hallway through the living room and out the door and stepped out into the sprinkle-filled earth.
It was as if we both knew what eachothers thoughts and feelings were.. because we turned to eachother at the exact same time.
“Clarissa.. will you please, go out with me?”Haylor asked, admist all that was hateful in the world, including the storm that was brewing up once again, those words that sprang from his mouth were the only release from everything.
“Of course.. I would love to go out with you..” I said.
Then we kissed one last time as he turned and left me among all the rain.
I love him.. yes I love him.42


5 years later..
*October 21, 2010*
-5th year anniverary of Meg’s death-43

I walked down the stairs and went into the living room where Haylor sat watching some TV.
“Well, there you are.. sleeping the day away are we?”Haylor asked, as he gave me a kiss.
“Well of course.”I answered.
“Gwd mayning!”Holly said, trying to say good mornning.
“Aww well good morning Holly.” I said picking Holly up.
Holly was 2 years old.. and didn’t have a wide vocabulary just yet. 44

As you can see, Haylor and I got married. We got married on June 20, 2007. Holly was born on February 5 2008. We now live about 5 blocks away from my old house and 2 yards away from Meg’s parents.
Duncan ended up becoming a Harvard graduate and became a lawyer. He married Beatrice who became a well known psychiatrist and author of children books.
Stanley married Chastler when he eventually found that she liked him back. They now have 2 kids and live a block away from Haylor and i.
Meg’s parents and Jordan Rachelle who is now, 5 years old and is the cutest thing ever, they are still settled in their house and Marvin still reads the same old newspaper and speaks of the same Pacer’s game.. and Harriet, responds stirring with interest still.
Sandy and Reese became best friends and moved to another state and Reese dumped Sandy off with a random motorcycle club.. we havent seen either since.
Stanley and Cameron remained living with my aunt and uncle, still thinking in their tiny little minds that I’m going to forgive them if they stay longer.
And as for Meg..45

A few hours after I ate some breakfast, and I cleaned the house a bit I grabbed my notebook and pen and I laced my jacket upon myself and went outside.
“I’ll be gone for just a few minutes, hunny.. I have to go do something.”I said starting the car.
“Alright. I love you.”Haylor said walking back into the house.
“I love you too.”I said as I backed out of the driveway and zoomed off onto the bumpy road.
Nothing but happiness filled my head nowadays as I had pushed back all those memories and tear filled nights that I ly awake in bed wishing that Meg still were here. I had been doing all that in the course of 5 years. Everytime it came down to October 21 I would sleep the day away and not do anything but focus my mind on other things than to sit and wallow in the past… and just move on.
Well, I’ve done that pushing back far too long.46

I arrived about 5 minutes later to the Wimbedon Cemetery. I drove down the turning ways of the road when all of a sudden I stopped in front of a wilted flower bed… half perished from all of the years. It brought back memories of that day that she was buried.
All of those flowers..
They were so beautiful with each little separate flower poking out like the rest of the crowds and dozens of other flowers.. like it was just wanting to be noticed.
But now.. its all perished.. gone.. like Meg is.. I’ll never be able to bring either of them back to life. Never again.
So then I took the paper out from my black suede jacket that was alittle dusty.. oh well. I’ll worry about it later.
I then brought the pen to the paper and let all of the words out upon it like I had wanted to for so long. 47

Dear Meg,48

Its been 5 years now since you died, and I’ve been hiding like a child for these past years .. trying to forget all of it.. when I told myself when I was still 16, when you’re baby was born, when I went on a mad rage against your mom saying I never wanted to forget you. Well Meg.. I did. I let myself forget all the times we had together talking about everything. All the times that we’d just laugh about nothing.. but just kept laughing for hours and hours never knowing what exactly we were finding so hilarious. I never stopped believing the day that you passed that you would somehow come back. But when you didn’t, it felt like ten thousand knives jabbing at me all at once.
I wasn’t prepared to undergo my best friends death so early.. I was still 16.. and so were you. You werent even ready to have a kid. You were still in the stage where nothing made sense.. it just happened. Well Meg, I’m now 21, and I still feel like I’m undergoing that stage, and I still wake up each night thinking that I will meet up with you again on that sidewalk watching you and Duncan have you little love fest.
But Meg.. its all gone.. and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so hostile. It wasn’t right.. it wasn’t me.. and you knew that and I let you down . I kept being more irrational as each day flew by.
What I’m trying to say to you Meg is I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry that I’ve been keeping you closed, in the back of my mind for all these years, I’m sorry for lying to you about Duncan saying he was wrong for you and that he was a dickhead, I’m sorry for not believing you when you said you knew the real me and that I wasn’t her anymore, I’m sorry for waiting this long to tell you that I’m sorry..
Meg, if I could go back now, everything between us would end so much differently. We would be happily still best friends and alive and well. But I guess God needed you more..
Take care of yourself up there.
I will always think of you as a best friend, keeper of my secrets, a guider, a fighter, the one that tought me everything I know.. and most of all, my sister. I will always love you like a sister.
Love,
Clarissa Trollen49

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