The blazing heat was no match for Brandy. He had every cooling device out there right in his backpack; including a mini fan, ice cold water, umbrella, sunblock and sunglasses. Brandy was a tall kid with wavy brown hair and always wore a hat whether it was a snow hat, baseball cap or wig. It was currently mid-summer, temperature rising up to 102 degrees at times. Right now Brandy is playing outside with his friends, everyone sweating from the temperature of 99 degrees. "Yo, Brandy, go long!" Alex shouted to him while passing the football. Brandy glided back, trying to get it. But the football smashed into his attic's window. "Let's get it," Brandy commanded.
They all ran up to the attic in a hurry, knocking down anything in their way. "Wait! I have never been up here before...maybe I should ask my parents," Brandy worried, heading downstairs. "Yo, chill dog. We just came up to get the football. THAT'S what we're going to do." Taylor, a very tomboy-ish girl said pulling him back. Brandy was scared. They were digging through the attic, including its many spiderwebs, looking for the football. It was very stuffy in there, with old toys Brandy used to play with and his parents' old belongings. "Hey, guys look!" Taylor yelled happily to everyone. It was a treasure map, as old and torn as could be. 1
Author notes
It's based on many movies and books.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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very good beginning. One thing you just MIGHT wanna work on a bit is changing from present tense to past tense. It kind of gets a bit confusing when you go from past to present and then back to past again, vice versa. Otherwise, it's good, though I agree with silkwing... the characters and the setting should be introduced a bit slower. Don't be afraid to slow it down. You shouldn't go too fast at certain points. Now this doesn't mean you should go into every little detail, but maybe put some more example to what you say are the characteristics of the people, like the tomboy thing... take some time in the beginning to give an example of her attitude and tomboyishness, rather than outright saying it. Just some things to think about. Otherwise, I really liked it. It's a good start to a possibly wonderful story; please keep going. I will read if you do. Good job and keep it up!
~*~goth&sweet - Bo~*~
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Good Start
Hey,
I like the way this story starts out. You keep things very clear and I followed it right until the end. Of course I would like to read more, I want to know where these kids are heading. The line that says " chill dog" you want to spell dog - dawg. Another thing, I felt sort of like the other characters where thrown in a little late. You can take time and describe them on the field with Brandy, give us a view of their character through more discription and dialogue. For example, you tell us that Taylor is Tomboyish, you can show that while on the field, she can spit or maybe get in a fight. She can speak more hip hop slang and interact tomboyishly with the guys making a rude comment about the kid that throws the ball into the attic. Most tomboys have major attitude and you do a good job giving a glimps of that when she uses her slang. Go ahead and draw that out. And do the same for the rest of your characters.
Your beinning is very good, but don't he afraid to create that atmosphere, especially in that attic, and take your time to introduce us to your characters. And again I would like you to write more.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Reminds me of Goonies. I think you've got the makings of a very good little story here. My only suggestion is maybe you could have spent a little more time on the description of the attic and the kids playing. Are there more than just two kids? That's it. Keep going I'd love to read more of this.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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