EMotions of an American in Iraq (Chap 1)

Last words 1

There was a time I didn’t think I would make it, so I wrote this poem for my kids. I have had a wonderful life. The military sent me all over the world and most of it was pretty good. I saw Greece and Japan; I saw England and Germany. I have vacationed all over. I loved everything I did. So if I die, remember that I had a good life and I hope everyone will have a good life, especially those I love. Life is too short. Enjoy it. 2

Looking death in the eyes is something every civilian and soldier faces, on a daily bases. We think about it; we wonder, are we going to make it home? We wonder about our love ones and wonder how to deal with there fears. How do we hide our feelings from them and still relieve their fears. 3

When times get tense and mortars are flying or I’m on a convoy; I feel scared. It takes a lot less to bring tears to my eyes. My emotions are differently worn close to my cuff. It takes very little to make me jump. I’m more on edge. I don’t like to be messed with. I am more likely to raise my voice and get into arguments. I feel lonelier and miss my family a whole lot more and I find myself thinking about them a lot more. 4

Some face fear more often and do very dangerous jobs, whether it’s driving convoys all over the country or exploding ordinance. Many Soldiers and Marines spend there day breaking down doors looking for insurgents. They never know what faces them on the other side of that door but they do it again and again. They face the possibility of death over and over. My heart goes out to these heroes they are truly on the front line of this war.5

Last words 6

If tomorrow never comes for me7

The world will still go on8

For those of you that love me9

You’ll have to carry on 10

I’ve lived a life that’s full11

I hope you do the same12

Be happy in all you do13

And smile a smile for me 14

For I am in God’s hand now15

And I take a final bow16

So make this tear your last for me17

And know I’m happy now 18


I do worry about those love ones left behind to carry on the home front. I know they face extreme emotional conflict every day. I know they worry about us. I know they carry their emotions very close to their cuff. This is the life we choose. The pride in the hearts of the average American soldier is unbelievable. These are men that would gladly give there life for America. Many are generational and were raised in military families. Some joined because of 9-11 others for the excitement. But regardless of the reason the average American soldier loves what they do. Sure they wish for better conditions and better work hours. A soldier is a special breed.19

I personally am proud of what I am doing. I only wish I could do more. I am also proud of everyone over here, for their contribution to this war. Mostly I am proud of the Soldiers and Marines regardless of there nationality. 20

I hope that the brighter future that I see comes true for the Iraqi people. God knows they all deserve it. I also hope that it’s their future and not the future that America makes for them, but one that they make for themselves. Let’s look at a few numbers. There are twenty five million or so Iraqi’s. If one percent of those where insurgents that would mean that there are over two hundred and fifty thousand insurgents. The number I hear most is around twenty five thousand. Which is ten percent of one percent of the Iraqi population? Having said that, we should remember, a lot of Iraqi’s want us to go home. Most don’t want us to leave today but the sooner the better. That is about the same percentage as America has of robbers, gang members, murders, and generally bad people. Go figure.21

Sometimes I think it’s all over but the leaving, but that can’t be done until the Iraqi people are ready. It’s getting better. It really is getting better. Everyone wants the Soldiers and Marines back home as soon as it is possible. And the sooner they come home the sooner I will make it home. We are winning this war. The amount of Sunni’s that voted in the last election was over three times greater then in the first election. We are winning. 22

23

The military wife24

25

I know it's hard for me26

Being over here27

But how hard is it for her28

the one across the sea 29

She cries tears each night30

faces the fear of what might come31

she’s left with the burdens32

not a touch or a hug 33

The military wife34

stands a breed apart35

The anchor of a mad man36

that has to serve the world 37

For her there is no glory38

nor a dollar in the bank39

Only tears of sorrow40

for her man is far away 41

So I salute you all42

you serve our country proud43

The lover of a service man44

Give three cheers and make it Loud45

46


Mortars 47

There are still Americans losing their livies in Iraq. It’s still a dangerous place to live. There are days I wonder what the hell I’m doing here. One of the hardest things for me to handle is the mortars.48

You never know when or where they are going to strike. If it’s night you just lie in your bunk and hope they don’t land on you. Even the best built bunker can’t protect you from a mortar. I’ve heard the phrase “that mortar had his name on it.” I kind of believe that. I have almost been hit several times. My chair that I sit in outside, when I go on break got hit. Luckily I wasn’t in it. The trailer just four doors down was hit while I was in my trailer, and nothing happened to me with the exception of a little buzzing in the ear and I’m a little more on edge. 49

Walking on Glass 50

Boom it seems so far away51

Boom it starts to walk my way52

Boom still closer should I stay53

Boom it just another day 54

Should I hit the Bunker55

Or stay here in my bed56

Run out into an open field57

Or let in find me here 58

Some mornings it does seem59

I'm walking on broken glass 60

Not knowing what has happen61

what may have come to pass 62

Should I be in a happy mood63

should somber fill my day64

Did I lose a friend65

or is everyone ok 66

These are the chooses that are made67

When mortars start to ring68

What to do when mortars fly69

It not a simple thing 70


That brings us to something I didn’t know. Popping balloons sound a lot like gun fire and can make a man flinch. I got sick to my stomach at a party where people were popping balloons. When your loved ones come home, remember fire crackers and loud popping noises are not funny. I say again making loud banging noises are not funny. 71

A little tender love and care will help to show them that you appreciate what they did. Respect toward the Soldiers and Marines is earned and deserved. Treat them like the heroes that they are. 72

There is this big knot that develops in your stomach, ever time you hear that first boom. Lots of thoughts go through your mind. Am I next, who did we loss today. How many more mortars are coming in today? 73

Those booms surely put us all on edge. We might seem to handle it pretty well, but I think that is just shell shock. How many times have I heard “I’m fine, don’t worry about me” Hell how many time have I said that. Trust me it gets too us, it tears us up inside it gives us butterflies. 74

Yes, we cry for our lost friends, our brothers and sisters. And yes even the civilians have tears shed for them. The American people cry for us. Our families and friends cry for us. But we move on get ready for the next time. We say our prayers and talk to each other. We tell their stories over and over again.75

Anyone that knows some one that died or a person that lived through a mortar attacks, is a different person, when they come out on the other side. They show grit that is rare in today’s world. They will carry that baggage with them through out there lives. Some will grow, others will withdraw but regardless they will change if only a little bit. 76

Mortars will get you thinking about why you are here in Iraq. It will make you question your politicians and your leaders. That is a right you earn being here. Most are still proud of what they are doing here. Most still support those leaders that they question. But remember Soldiers and Marines do what is ask of them, it doesn’t matter what their personal politics are, the will do their job and stand proud doing it. 77

Another Night 78

I hear the booms again tonight79

And wonder, if my time has come80

Will I see tomorrow81

Will tomorrow ever come 82

Will I have to shed a tear83

For a friend that I have lost84

Or will they shed a tear for me85

If I had to pay the cost 86

I’m proud of what I’ve done here87

And would do it all again88

For a soldier’s job is never done89

It’s just a different war, a different sin 90


Convoys 91

One of the other scary things here in Iraq is convoys. I didn’t take many convoys while I was in Iraq. I do remember taking a convoy to a base to get my divorce paperwork notarized. I still remember thinking that this divorce is going to get me killed. 92

I did talk to a lot of Soldiers and Marines that went outside the fence every day. They told me about that chill running down their back. They know what they face. Snipers, Improvised Explosive Devices (IED), and Rocket propelled Grenades. Even the safest highway or route brings some danger. Even a short ride only ten miles can be dangerous. 93

This poem may push the limits of what every Soldier and Marine feels but it is something that most have all thought about at least once. Soldiers and Marines know how to keep it all at bay. Soldiers and Marines somewhere in Iraq face this fear everyday. God bless them all for doing a job no one wants to do. When I say Soldier and Marine I also include those Seamen and Airmen that are here.94

You see it on the television on a daily basis. What happens when troops go outside the gates of a base? Convoys are very dangerous. We have lost over 500 Soldiers and Marines in convoys. We will loss more. Knowing you face death is something very hard to deal with, but these troops have learned to cope.95

Put yourself in their place for one second. How would you feel if it was your turn to take the ride? Contrary to all the hype, the up armored Hum Vees are still not that safe. They may stop a few sniper bullets but the person manning the gun turret still faces snipers. 96

Motor Hum 97

The hum of a motor98

can chill me to the bone99

Knowing it won't be long100

until we start to roam 101

I know what’s out there waiting102

We face it every day103

A sniper, bomber or IED104

I keep them all at bay 105

Another mission comes and goes106

Another day has passed107

I wonder if tomorrow108

Will tomorrow be my last109

IED's110

Every one that goes outside the fence faces the IED (roadside bombs). IED’s are killing Soldiers and Marines almost daily it seems. New technology is being developed to combat IEDs. I just hope it comes sooner rather than later.111

I know the feeling of relief I feel when the convoy pulls into a safe haven for a few hours or the mission comes to an end. It’s not my day, it’s wasn’t my time. I survived another convoy. But that eerie feeling is still stirring inside of me for days to come. My mind stays with those Soldiers and Marines that are out there again looking death in the eye. 112

What is it I wonder that enables them to do it time and time again? Many have seen friends die, yet the next day they are out there again doing it all over. What kind of emotions must be going through their minds and bodies?113

I know I have felt rage and I have wanted to kill somebody anybody. I wanted to see someone pay for what they were doing. But that was only for a little while and I calmed down. Those feelings faded. You learn to not hate. You learn that not all Iraqi’s are to blame for what is happening. 114

I have felt fear for the unexpected things I faced. Remorse for not doing all the things I wished I had done. I feel sorrow for those that might have to face my death. The second that motor started to hum I withdraw into myself and try to think about good things. But I always end up thinking about missed opportunities.115

A typical Convoy goes something like this. You have a driver a navigator and a gunner. You go from one base to another taking supplies and people. You watch for drivers that might have car bombs and odd things on the side of the road that might be IEDs. You go fast then slow and then fast again; you move from one side of the road to the next doing everything possible to make it to your destination safe. 116

IED 117

It ripped right through118

this so called armor plate119

Through flesh and bone120

no mercy in it's wake 121

It kills without feeling122

Like the one who set it off123

Death and destruction124

it hides and waits 125

I hope it never finds me126

or the friends that I have made127

But we have lost to many128

to it's destructive rage 129

Other Convoys130

Other Convoys are patrols that go out looking for the bad guys. They are always in war mode ready for anything. I call this a show of force. They are there just to show the insurgents that we are out there looking. Some patrols may involve kicking down a few doors and some end in a gun fight. But these Soldiers and Marines are ready for just about anything. Convoys are wild. They drive on both sides of the road, change lanes at will, and try to do everything possible, to not get blown up. 131

Other convoys are humanitarian. The have Soldiers and Marines in them that work on the water supply, electrical, roads, gas lines, hospitals, and schools. These are definitely the good guys. But just like all the others they face the same demise. And let’s not forget the civilian security teams that go off base almost daily. 132

Iraqi’s are supposed to stop and pull over if they are getting passed by a convoy. Most do, but some push their luck. When this happens, a few warning shots are fired. If they continue, they shoot at the motor and then shoot to kill. 133

Several times this results in something bad happening. If they don’t stop, they could be driving a car bomb into the middle of the convoy. So the Soldiers and Marines have to protect themselves. Some times mistakes are made and innocent Iraqis are killed. This is a tragic occurrence and hits Soldiers and Marines very hard. Soldiers and Marines do not find joy in killing.134

How many times have you heard about an IED exploding and killing Soldiers and Marines? The Soldiers and Marines face the fear of death every time they go out. Many Soldiers and Marines provide escort duties for truck drivers and do this every day. I’m not sure if I could do what these brave men and women are doing. I take my hat off to them. They are a breed apart from us normal humans. 135

Somber Faces 136

I see somber looks137

on their face today138

Where yesterday they had cheers and smiles139

Hell they had just got here 140

But innocents was ripped and torn141

From their hearts and minds142

Comrades faced death143

for the very first time 144

The old and new together145

when a fiery hell they found146

Four injured maybe dead 147

Will found that out much latter 148

The effect is strong149

with those right there150

Even for those who are waiting151

here at camp and those a Ocean away 152

Loneliness 153

There is another just as deadly foe out there. Time and the loneliness and all that comes with it can kill. We deal with it in many ways. Waiting for the days to pass, killing time, watching TV, going to the gym, going to the Moral Welfare and Recreation building, or whatever else we can do to help time to fly.154

Mission days are good days when everyone comes home. Being busy whether at work or when you have down time, helps make the time go by. Most Soldiers and Marines work seven days a week. Accountability is a big thing here. When the mortars fly we have to check on all of our personnel and make sure every ones ok.155

Imagine lying in bed and wondering what your lover is up too. Are they loyal, most are, or are they cheating. Are they falling out of love? Are they mad at you because your not home to help. Did those left at home know what they were getting into, being married to a soldier?156

Boredom is a big part of being here. Try to find something you enjoy. Me I’m writing a book or two, this book of poems and another book, on visitors from outer space and how they have made our history. 157

Every soldier needs something. Some have each other. They talk, they play cards, and they go for a run. It all comes down to making the days pass, as quickly as possible. It comes down to beating the boredom.158

Keep your mind busy and it becomes harder for your mind to get caught up in other things that can get you in trouble. The troops are good at this, but we have to watch for those that might get depressed. We have to stay on top of family situations. Is everything alright at home? This is a question that needs to be asked over and over again. 159

All Soldiers and Marines are supposed to have a battle buddy that looks out for them. The battle buddy is the first line of defense when family or boredom problems arise. Civilians really don’t do this but I sometimes think they should. 160

Passing Days 161

I fear that I won’t make it home162

Or maybe I’ll get hurt163

I don’t know, which I fear most164

When I’m laying in the dirt 165

The sun it sets a night goes by166

A new day waits for us167

We face the devil one more time168

You know he’s one mean cuss 169

But days they pass170

And hope draws near171

My fears just pass away172

You know, I’ll be home soon, my dear173

Morality 174

A lot happens the last few months before going home. You start to feel you beat the beast. You start counting the days as they pass and thinking I’m going to make it. 175

We have to wonder if what we are doing is right. I feel with all my heart, that what we are doing is right. I feel that God is proud of me. But sometimes, I have to wonder, if I have lived a life that has earned me a ticket to Heaven. Did I ask for forgiveness for every sin that I committed? Was my heart true when I asked for forgiveness? You know what I mean. Did I do, what I did, using a high moral standard. 176

Truly, many Soldiers and Marines have done things during the heat of battle of which they are not proud. We as a nation have to forgive these brave men. We sent them to Iraq and their sins are our sins, whether we support the war or not. We have to remember that these brave men are put into extreme positions that they have to react to very quickly. 177

I remember a story I heard about a few soldier breaking into a house searching for illegal weapons. They walk into a home after breaking the doors in and a person inside releases a door behind them that ends up slamming which makes a big bang. The Soldiers opened fire at the door killing an elderly woman inside the room. 178

The question is, what would you do? Boom, shoot, that’s what they did. Had it been a different day, they probably would have been saving the lives of their fellow Soldiers or Marines, but not on this day. I pray for those Soldiers every time I remember that story. I see it this way, God forgives a good hearted person for mistakes. They didn’t kill that lady because of hate. 179

I hope God is the forgiving God that I believe he is. I believe most people will go to Heaven and few will face the devil. I see God as a father. As a father myself, I know that there is nothing that my children can do, that I will not forgive. I believe God is the same way. 180

The only people that will go to Hell are those people who can’t forgive themselves. Many Soldiers and Marines from the Vietnam days still are not able to forgive themselves. We can not allow this to happen again. I see a trend starting and I wonder if Americans are going to fall into the same trap again.181

Yes, bad things happen in war. Yes, even I wish certain things had never happen. But the lives of the Soldiers and Marines are also very important to me. The mental health of the Soldiers and Marines is very important to me. One thing that helps heal a soldier’s heart is a big crowd at the airport when they come home. Pro soldier rallies with signs that say we love our troops, we support our troops. The American people are the cure. If you forgive them then they will be able to forgive themselves and they will survive. 182

The Dice 183

If I die before I wake184

Will I be at Heaven’s door185

Will I be an angel186

Will I get a chance to soar 187

Will my sins catch up with me188

Will I see the devil’s face189

Will I face eternity190

In a God forsaken place 191

The Lord he has my heart and soul192

And they’ll be his dice to roll193

Forgive me please, for what I’ve done194

I hope God wins my soul195

Holy Cow 196

The “holy cow” days come every now and then for almost everyone that comes to Iraq. Mine came in Mosul when 32 mortars hit Camp Freedom in one day. The numbers vary depending on who you talk to but it was a lot. Two mortars hit fairly close to my location. That means within two hundred yards. The third mortar hit very near me, less then 30 feet. After the mortar hit and I put on my Kevlar and Vest, I ran out to see if everyone was ok and saw a trailer near mine on fire. I opened the door to see if anyone was there and the mattress was on fire in the room. The smoke quickly filled my lungs. I still went in and felt around but found no one. I later found out that the guy in the room had already gotten out. 197

A friend of mine had found him seconds after the mortar hit while I was getting my vest on. He took off to the pad next to ours and almost ran into another mortar that hit right in front of him. When I saw him I thought he had been hit because he had blood all over him. The blood was from the guy in the trailer I went into. He had found some guys to rush him to the medic station.198

The guy that got hurt made it. He was sent to England where he was from. He was the medic for a British security company that lived with us on our pad, which is a group of trailer.199

I still wonder, what would have happened if I had run out of my trailer that day when I heard the first mortar go off. I believe in God. I have good reason.200

A friend’s trailer got destroyed that day and even though he wasn’t in his trailer it was a “holy cow” day for him. He left just moments before the mortar hit. I saw him change that day and I’m sure he saw me change that day. 201

Facing death is also known as looking the devil in the eyes. If you have ever been in a bad car accident you kind of know what I’m talking about. Your whole body trembles, you go into a safe place and stay there. Medically they call that shock. You get a cold clammy feeling and become dizzy. 202

You feel that you’re in the grasp of Satan and you fight to get away. Some win and some loss this battle. I don’t know if it’s faith or luck that makes the difference. At first you get a feeling that somehow, the devil still has you in his grasp. But once that feeling goes away and you do get away, you somehow get a little bit of an invincibility feeling. Beating the devil is a good feeling but always give him respect.203

Looking the devil in the eye is not something that can be healed overnight. You well hear those booms long after your ears stop ring and you dreams may remember that day forever. The secret is getting past the feeling. 204

You find a new found respect for the devil and death on those “holy cow” days. I tip my flask to Satan and bow to his power. No I don’t worship him I just have a lot more respect for him then I did before, those days came. 205

Time is the only thing that heals the heart. The mind can only be healed by love ones, friends and professionals. Yes professional, Doctors, priest, and psychologist. Today there are a lot of alternative medicines and maybe they can also help. 206

A Toast to Satan 207

I looked the devil in his eyes208

And you know, he didn’t win209

His fire raged all around me210

I saw the devil’s den 211

He reached for me to grab me212

But somehow I got away213

I laughed in the devil’s face214

I guess it’s not his day 215

I may have faced the devil216

But I went on to do my task217

He scared the living hell from me218

So to him I tip this flask 219

God and Angels 220

I sometimes wonder if Star Gate: The Series saved my life that “holy cow” day in Mosul. There I was walking out the door, about to take a shower. Had I walked out the door I would have been dead. I had my shower stuff already. Then star gate came on TV and I turn around sit down on my bed and start watching Television. I’m still alive because of a television show. One minute here or there. Somebody was watching out over me that day. Thank You. I was in shock for several hours after the mortars hit and finally some of the guys from work said you had better come down to the palace. 221

If you give Satan credit for scaring the hell out of you, then you have to give god credit too. If you’re still alive then there is always a possibility that god or a guardian angel was sitting on your shoulder. 222

I stayed in the palace for over a month after the blast. Not too soon after my close call the chow hall got hit at the airport in Mosul, I was at the palace almost twenty miles away. My boss realized I was still very shaken even a month later and he gave me a different assignment to a safer base. 223

I will say, my view on god and heaven have changed a lot since the day in Mosul Iraq. I believe in miracles. I believe in God. I believe in life after death. I’m not sure what form it takes but I believe there is sometime out there. 224

Survival 225

Laying in my trailer226

I’m surprised I don’t have wings227

Time to take a shower228

I guess I’ll grab my things 229

I’m walking out the door230

When the TV turns me round231

I sit back down to watch a show232

When the first big boom comes down 233

The second hits not far away234

I jump down on the floor235

The third it hits right where I’d be236

Had I walked out the door 237

I guess my life’s not over238

I must have more to do239

I am a different person now240

I just wonder who 241

Waiting for Death 242

The worst thing about living in a war zone is loneliness; the second is living with fear. It is one thing to face an enemy in the face and fight them and quite another thing to just wait until the enemy gets lucky. Many casualties here if not most have died from unseen enemy forces; things like IEDs and mortars. It is hard to fight an enemy that isn’t there. 243

Fear of the unknown is terrible but the frustration we face, when we are not able to do anything about it is even harder to live with. Frustration is a way of life here. You would think that we could find these guys with all of our sophisticated equipment. But they are snicky. They put mortar shells in ice blocks and set up the launchers and leave. Ten minutes later boom boom boom, the insurgents are miles away. Yes we can figure out where the shells are coming from but we have no one to retaliate against. 244

IED’s are getting more and more sophisticated every day. We figure out a way to stop one type and they build another. Human bombs and Car bombs are even harder to detect.245

When we as a country, need someone to fix the problems we are in, we call on the military. The military has been fighting the battle against drugs for years. Now we are in a battle against terrorists. 246

Dread 247

I set dreading what I can’t see248

A mortar, IED or a bullet in the head249

Death it comes form no where250

It’s just cold Steel cold Lead 251

Death it had no mercy252

Fate or luck it’s there253

It takes the greatest people254

And our hearts when there not here 255

The question is always when256

Or where it will come from257

We all know it is coming258

It’s the toll and the Sum 259

Serving with Honor 260

Most Soldiers and Marines don’t care why they are sent. They just know they have to go. When they get there, where ever there might be, they serve with honor. Soldiers, Marines, Sailors and Airmen always serve with honor. Some make mistakes and some even do stupid stuff. But for the most part all Soldiers and Marines serve in a way that we all can be proud.261

These men and women represent all fifty states and Puerto Rico, Guam, as well as several other countries. Did you know that some Soldiers and Marines are not American citizens? Some Soldiers and Marines are even from Arab countries. They came to America after 9-11 and joined the American military. 262

Many people don’t understand that the buck stops here in the military. Each little group of Soldiers and Marines works as a team under given orders. If you disobey those orders it is your responsibility. It is not the responsibility of the senior officers over you. If you do not believe in an order or do not feel that an order is lawful then it is your responsibility to say no. If you don’t say no then you are just as guilty as the officer who gave the order.263

The Soldiers and Marines that I have seen here are the greatest Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines ever assembled. Why can’t we all just leave it at that? Why do we have to expect perfection for these Soldiers and Marines? 264

The next chapters will deal with that and a little more. Living in Iraq is no picnic my friends, but it can be done. 265

Who Will 266

I see the lighting in the sky267

And hear the thunder roar268

But there’s not a cloud in the sky269

This is the face of war 270

The bullets fly, the mortars scream271

The cannons sound like drums272

Tonight we all face death273

But we know tomorrow comes 274

Who will win the battles?275

Who will take the night?276

Who will fight for justice?277

Who will do what’s right? 278

Our hearts, our souls are in the fight279

And we all know what to do280

Because when a battle’s raging 281

We are the ones; we are the who282