The truth of how I felt about Petey...

I stared numbly into the wall. I didn't understand it, not really. If only you knew that every word coming out of my mouth was a lie. I looked at the screen again, just to make sure. But the words were the same, I tried to stare them away, just get them to disappear. I could have stared and stared but the only thing that would have happened was that they blurred into smuges, from the tears in my eyes.  My heart was still beating with a rapid intensity, and I felt faint. I checked the words one more time:1

aceventra23: I don't know how I can say this, but I have to break up with you.2

McCarty2100: huh?3

McCarty2100: seriously whats up?4

aceventra23: your going to hate me for this, and I don't blame you, but I just can't date you anymore. You are too much of a friend to me. I don't want us to go out for a few months, then us break up and hate each other. As weird as this may sound to you, and I am not lieing, you are like my best friend up here. I havn't really had a best friend, except for you. And I don't want to ruin that. I know you hate me but this is just how I feel.5

My mind was racing with a million things to say but the only thing I could write is: ok.  Nothing else came to mind. I told you that its ok, and that I understood, but I didn't relise until later that I didn't understand. I mean, I really liked you. We were actually friends before we dated, maybe thats what ruined us, but I felt safer around you then I did about anyone else. When we were dating it was like an added bonus. It just seemed so great. 6

So after I told you the lies of I understand, I said I had to go, I made up some excuse just to leave. Then I went and layed down in my room for what seemed like hours, just staring at the wall. Tears would come every now and then, but I would wipe them away. I didn't want anyone to know how much I cared for you. How much of my heart I actually let you have. I thought I was investing in something here, but you obviously didn't, and only now do I realise it.7

Finally I drifted off into a restless sleep, with dreams filled with your face, our memorys, it was just like a nightmare. I would have given anythin to just shut off the light and pretend you were there, but I couldn't. So I slept on through the pain.8

* * * * * * * * * * * *9

I woke up to the light of the morning, to a new day that looked promising but wasn't. As I walked past my computer I shuddered. It only held sad memorys, no matter how many times I told myself this was for the best. I just couldn't get him out of my head. After that I always thought that it was for the best, that I was to young and that nothign could come from our relationship. That if I waited until we were older then more things could happen. Yet I just couldn't get the idea out of my head that you really wanted to break up with me, and that the friend thing was a lie.10

I dragged myself off to Ashleys house to consult her on my thoughts, but she didn't seem that interested. She knew how bad I hurt but there was nothing she could do. So my thoughts stayed within myself. At school things weren't must better. It got around to people that me and Petey broke up, so all day I could feel peoples eyes bore into my back. I just was happy that he didn't go to school, that he didn't have to feel this pain. Maybe it was better he was home schooled and lived thirty minutes away. It was then that my attention turned from my ex back to the real world.11

"Hey Kori" It was Gabby. I really didn't want to talk to anyone but we talked anyway.12

"Hey Gab whats up?"13

"Ugh nothing, just wondering how you were holding up." I looked into her eyes, but I saw concern, I saw that she really cared. She was Peteys ex to, but she couldn't know how this felt, they had dated much longer and yet hadn't done as much as me and him. She broke up with him for Chirst's sake. She had no idea.14

"Fine," I muttered under my breath, trying not to look her in the eye. I didn't want to break down.15

"Any new guys you are looking at now?" She asked, her face in a grin. I smiled to, I am not sure why now but saying that made me feel alot better, I really could look for another guy. I smiled,"Maybe a guy who has been on the list all along." I quickly shot a glance at Adkins, and Gab saw it.16

"So Matt Adkins... wells see what comes up with that. Is he coming to the dance tonite?" This suprised me a bit when she said it. I had forgotten entirly about the dance, a new fear crept in but I pushed it down, and forced a smile, "Not that I know of."17

"Well I guess we'll see," She said as she went to sit down for math. So the rest of the day I kept Adkins on my mind, to drive the thought of Petey away. 18

That night at the dance I sat there the whole time. Everyonce in a while Ismael would come up to me and we would dance, just messing around but it was still fun. I felt a ton better. One time me Mandy, Ismael, and Adkins were dancing in like a square to a slow song.  They were all much taller than me because I had taken off my hooker boots, and I pointed this out. Then Ismael put his arm around me tighter and lifted me up with one hand so I was there height. Then Adkins put his arm around me tighter too and helped me up. I actually laughed at how much fun we were having. 19

I danced with Ismael and Greg that night, but those weren't the dances I was interested in. I was waiting for one particular dance, that I hoped a certain someone would ask. After I was done dancing with Greg I looked at the clock, and saw it was nine o'clock exact. Another slow song started, and this was the last one. I felt like going into a corner and crying, Petey just kept sailing into my thoughts, and as I started to leave I was stopped.20

Adkins came walking toward me, and I was rooted to the spot. All I could do was stand and stare, no matter how stupid I looked. I can remember the music from that night now too, amazing how the little things stay in your head. It was from my cd, the song was Where Did I Go Right? By Hilary Duff. He came up to me and asked in a almost little voice, "Wanna dance?"21

I can't even explain how happy I was. I tried to hide the relief in my voice as I said, "Yes." But I am sure he caught it. We were dancing just in a circle, thats just how we danced, we were thirteen and fourteen, we didn't know anything fancy. Then he asked me how my night was going. I said ok, not all that great. He laughed and so did I. Somehow we ended up getting closer together. We talked for a little bit longer and every time my body seemed to move closer to his. Eventually I was up next to him, and in a perfect heaven. I even rested my head on his shoulders. He dulled the pain of losing Petey, he made everything seem better. He might as well have rearranged the stars, he created a whole knew path for me. As the song ended I sighed, and his words still stay in my head till today, "That was the best dance I have had in my life..."22