While I rested on the uncomfortable bed, I saw the ceiling, waited for my medicines, and I counted the specks on the ceiling, but lost count after one hundred. I really don’t know when the doctor came in, but I remember when he pressed the needle into my back and told me it was all done. Minutes later, I could feel the effects of the drug. My eyes forced themselves shut, while I refused to fall asleep, but the drug got the best of me. My body was paralyzed yet I could hear and sense light.1
I heard the bed rolling down the halls and out of the elevator. Many familiar yet strange sounds rang in my ears. I felt a dog sit on me, and I tried to reach for its head. I felt my bones trying to squeak and crackle as I reached for the textured fur, but nothing came into my hand.
Then mother called for Akira to get off of me because I had an operation to attend. Regretfully, Akira did get off of me, but only after trying to wake me up a few times. 2
Then the doctors and I entered the operation room or the O.R. as they call it. I heard water running, and that made want to urinate. Then I heard snapping. Was my brother shooting rubber bands at me again? No… He isn’t even allowed in this room. I gasped and nearly choked. The doctors panicked and shoved a large tube down my throat thinking that I was having an asthma attack. Now I was in trouble! I panicked and I stopped breathing, but somehow I was able to hold my breath. I heard the beeps that tracked my heart, and I heard the buzz of the blood pressure machine. Of course, the room did smell a little pungent, as of rubbing alcohol. 3
Then the first of the cuts on my arm began. I wanted to scream. Somehow, the doctors were oblivious to my pain.4
“Too bad this little lassie lost her arm in that crash. She would’ve been so pretty.” One doctor sighed.5
“I know.” Another doctor sighs, “but it’s life, and you can’t control people, just like that doctor over there. He’s fast asleep, yet he’s getting paid to supervise this operation.”6
“Doctor Fujiyama! Wake up!” the first doctor yelled. “ I think you should be fired!”7
I felt my heart sink rapidly. Not only were the doctors reminding me of my terrible incident, but also one doctor was sleeping on the job. Could my worries get even greater?8
More of the cutting continued and then finally I heard the bone cutter. I felt them cutting my bone, and the vibrations shot up my sensitive shoulder. More pain seared through my arm. Finally, they began to patch up my arm. Stitch by stitch, they created a rounded stump of an arm.9
Then a soothing, welcomed warmth came on my arm. I wondered what it was and the answer was soon to come.10
Then everything came to a standstill. Seconds passed, and those seemed like hours. Then those seconds turned into minutes. Those minutes were eternity in its purest form. I heard the beeps for the heart begin to go faster and faster. What was a simple operation now became a grave medical mistake, one too complex for the hospital to handle. Not even the best of doctors could handle the new problem. They were supposed to do open heart surgery, but instead those doctors performed an amputation. What was I to do?11
I began to lose my will power, and I started to fall asleep- into a deep sleep. Then I saw myself lying on bed, seemingly lifeless. I furrowed my brow and looked around. The doctors were sitting on chairs while the machine was signaling a flat line. 12
“We’ll wait until the machine stops malfunctioning” Dr. Fujiyama assigned.13
Seconds passed and then the first doctor revolted after the assignment was given and brought me back. She woke me up with another shot, while I was still in the operating room.14
“I’m Doctor Nanaki. What’s your name?”15
“Kira.” I replied.16
“What year is it?”17
“…” I couldn’t answer.18
“What’s your last name?”19
“Andreas”20
“And how old are you?”21
“21.”22
“Kira, you are 16. The year is 2006 and…”23
“You had a major accident in here.” I interrupted. 24
The doctor was stunned. “How did you know?” She looked around at the doctors.25
“Well, try staying awake during a surgery, die, and then come back all in one day.” I began to yell. “That… really… HURTS!” I glared at Dr. Fujiyama.26
“I’m so sorry, Kira. There’s nothing that we can do. What just happened is in the past and we can’t change the past.” Dr. Nanaki explained, while she signed my cast, the source of the welcomed warmth.27
My anger began to fill in all the crevices in the room. I grabbed my amputated writing arm and threw it at the tool tray, where the tray fell over, sending a scalpel into a corkboard by Dr. Fujiyama. I walked out of the room with all of the hookups still attached to me. One by one I pulled them off and went home.28
After a review of my records, I wasn’t even supposed to have a surgery, but a vision exam. Unfortunately, Dr. Fujiyama’s vision was rated zero and my doctor’s handwriting wasn’t legible. A careless desk clerk had spilled coffee on my records and that smeared the fresh fountain ink in my tablet.29
As for any court trials, there were none. I took three years to think over a possible court trial and decided against it. I thought about how it would affect the hospital as a whole. Everyone would be affected in his or her pay, and that made me feel guilty. Why should I even sue the hospital anyway? Dr. Fujiyama was fired after the incident, my doctor was sent to a writing school, and the careless clerk quit her job before my surgery, so why do I need to sue?30
I don’t.
31
Author notes
all characters are solely fictional. any actual occurances of actions were not planned.
What would you do?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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This was really good though I couldn;t quit grasp the meaning of the story....
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Spine-tingling
This story really makes you shiver. Things like operations always make me feel uneasy and quivery. Especially when you got to the bone-cutting part. I really didnt know if I could go on reading. but I did because this story was just too interesting to stop. I really really hope that something like this never happens, though you do hear stories. I'm still shivering lol. You know how to hold attention with your stories that is for sure. Some of the things seem a little unrealistic. In most cases right after a surgery your body is still in shock so it would be hard to believe that you could just get up and go home. Especially if hospital staff is around. And what a peculiar name for a doctor. I dont know if I've ever heard of a doctor named after an honorable mountain. Is Nanaki a FF7 reference? Back on track, great story!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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nanaki is reference to FF7. i didn't know there was such a mountain. the names just came into my head...
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Nice
Ohh, very greusome, but I liked it. It was sad, though. Overall, great
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It was a good story, though I think you can put a little more emotion/thought into it on the characters thoughts. She lsot an arm you think she'd be a little more upset. Also I don't understand why there's an age mix up.
Now onto the mix up. Could something like this really happen? Wouldn't the doctors realize that her arm was fine before they began hacking at it? Then there's her family wouldn't they ask why she was being taken to surgery. Oh, and one more thing, since when do you go to the hospital to get your eyes checked.
Sorry about all the questions but I don't know a lot about hospitals and their procedures so I'm a sure what's fact and what's fiction. -
Confusion, at best.
The doctors obviously were very confused, and I don't believe I would like to go to that hospital under any circumstances.
The names seemed strange to me. Japanese, actually. So I'm guessing you're either Asian or actually living in Japan (well, either way, I got the first guess right. OBVIOUSLY an Asian would live in Japan.), or maybe you just like Japanese culture?
Beginning: 3/5
The beginning seemed a little slow to me, and it took me a little time to figure out what had happened (mostly because I couldn't remember what the word Anaesthetic meant).
The first line confused me, and I would suggest a disection, possibly an amputation, but most definitely it needs reconstructive surgery (haha. Hospital themes are fun. ^_^ )
"While I rested on the uncomfortable bed, I saw the ceiling, waited for my medicines, and I counted the specks on the ceiling, but lost count after one hundred."
You might want to revise it to: "While I rested on the uncomfortable bed, waiting for my medicines, I counted the specks on the ceiling. I lost count after one hundred."
because it seems a lot clearer and smoother that way (to me, anyway).
Ending: 2/5
Sorry for the low-score, but up until the end the story seemed quite realistic.
I don't know if it was the reaction of the character (yes, she was angry, and did throw stuff. And I don't blame her. But I think a normal person would just cry and shout a lot.), or if it was just anti-climatic (not suing? Thinking of others before herself? OBVIOUSLY not an American.
)
I'm not sure what suggestions I could give to improve it, so please don't ask me.
Characters: 3/5
Kira, Fujiyama, Nanaki, Akira... As I said before, these names are strange and foreign to me.
But as for the characters themselves (names aside)...
You didn't put much detail into the character. Yes, something horrible and awful happened to her, but why should we care?
That's the trick, you see? You have to make a character seem realistic, and you have to make the character relatable, as well.
Give us a bit more background information on her, and possibly the doctors, too.
Plot: 3/5
Well, what are the chances that Fujiyama would sleep on the job? Or that the first doctor's handwriting would be so horrible that you can't tell open-heart surgery from an eye-exam from an amputation? And I don't think hospital clerks are THAT careless.
Yes, anaesthetic awareness happens, and yes it's a horrible thing. But the plot just didn't seem very realistic.
It's sort of like writing a story about someone who's plane was hijacked by a terrorist, so they jumped out, but the parachute wouldn't open, and they were going to land in... a volcano... or something...
My point is, though it's possible, and though you did include explanations, the chances of something going THAT horribly wrong aren't very high.
I suggest a rewrite.
Language: 3/5
Here are a few things you might want to take a look at:
"and that made want to urinate."
Well, the line is funny, but you forgot 'me'.
"I panicked and I stopped breathing, but somehow I was able to hold my breath."
That's a bit redundant, don't you think? You already mentioned she can't breathe, and you might want to elaborate that her lungs are getting air through the tube, which is why she can hold her breath at the moment (which I think is an explanation...)
“We’ll wait until the machine stops malfunctioning” Dr. Fujiyama assigned.
I know what you meant, and it makes sense, because 'assigned' CAN be a verb. However, you might want to change that last word to make the sentence a little smoother.
Try:
"We'll wait until the machine stops malfunctioning," Dr. Fujiayama ordered.
Also, no doctor in his right mind would say that. If the heart monitor goes haywire, they go on the assumption something is wrong.
I think you said the first doctor (who has no name, apparently) came to the rescue on this one, but that was a bit unclear.
Dialog: 3/5
"Commas are place when a character says something, but you still want to continue the sentence in the character's name," Mad-Hatter told Tricia in his review.
That's the only way I could think of to say what I found wrong without confusing you, so sorry if it seemed insulting.
There weren't many places where this happened, but it DID occur, and proper grammar demands a revision.
Overall: 5/10 - Average
This is so very odd... I can't seem to find the Overall rating in the comment box... Did they do away with it?
Anyway, this story is by no means the best one I've seen on StoryWrite, but it's not the worst, either. In fact, I see a lot of stories written like this. You just need a bit of practice, that's all.
English, despite how many people speak it, is not an easy language to write effectively in.
Try Japanese, that oughta be fun.
All puns aside, I must say that I mostly agree with mwc2004. Read his comment over, and you'll get a pretty general idea of what should be done.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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well, i'm not asian nor japanese. rather i'm american that writes more poetry than expected. please excuse me for this story, i had many "radical" ideas.
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Wow!
great opening, i love the dogs name! the whole story is great! theres a few wee bits that you could prolong a little, you know - drag out the moment, that would give it an extra edge. this is just excellent. thanks for sharing!
=x0x=
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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A beginning
I think it's a good start but needs background information to make it clearer, more description and in depth evolving of the characters. The ending seems a little abrupt as if you ran out of thoughts. With work this would be really good.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Needs Work
Delete 'I' after the and in the first sentence. You've already stated its you.
'Familiar yet strange'. Not possible.
Too much 'panicked' in 3. Many words to use that describe the same feeling.
Explain why the girl is feeling so much pain during surgery. They always knock people out--so they dont feel.
Start out 10 and 11 with the same intro word. Not usually a good idea.
Those minutes were eternity in its purest form. I like this sentence.
11 confused me. A heart surgery?
Hmmm. The ending was abrupt and unclear. Maybe consider returning to the beginning or middle and adding some backstory or other info to make the transition from the body of the piece into the conclusion a little more clear.beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 1, characters: 2.
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i'm reworking it.
at least i printed a copy.
anyways, would the story make more sense if i changed open heart surgery to amputation of fingers?
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