When birds sing I feel alright
When birds sing I feel no fright
When birds sing I don't know why
When birds sing I DO want to try.1
When bells ring I want to be free
When bells ring I think, "why me?"
When bells ring I won't look back
When bells ring I know what I lack.2
When music plays I see no storm
When music plays I feel so warm
When music plays I no longer wait
When music plays I can't be late.3
Author notes
The first paragraph is about people sick in the hospital, second about slaves, and third is about the poor, needy and homeless.
Did you enjoy it? Please tell me honest opinions.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I really liked that it had a lot of meaning to it. Well done
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This is more like a poem.
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I found your author's notes to be quite helpful. Without them, I would be interpreting your words and each line differently. Two different interpretations of the poem could go well for this. Great work.
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short and sweet
Wow, this poem is great. Especially for the deeper meaning it possesses. You have written a meticulous poem about how parts of the world are and I have to congratulate you on that. GREAT job.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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This was very good and after I read the author note i read it again. I must say it was better the second time because I knew what you were talking about. It was cute and you should keep writting because your good at it.
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Heart-warming
I liked this simple yet upbeat poem. And I also love how each part of the poem was of a different theme. You did a very good job. I hope you gave yourself a pat on the back after writing this.
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Good
It is a good poem, keep writing.
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Awesome
I liked the poem but there's no "e" in fright. other than that I thought it was awesome. keep writing.
So Mote It Be,
Rune
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Nice work.
Very well done. I like the write.
I would add commas after. "When the bird," "When the bell," and "when the music,"
I like the poem, I think it's a very good peice. Well done.
P.S. I'm gald to hear what this was about in your comments. Made me see the poem in a new light.
beginning: 3, language: 3, ending: 3.
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like the simplicity .. but I feel you shouldn't try explaining what you've written ,cos let people feel whats written and perceive it in their own way .. thats the supposed beauty that exists with words.. :-)
language: 2.
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I like the poem. Someone mentioned the word fright. I think you should allow your reader to take whatever they want from your poem. The stanza about bells to me represents death rather than slavery. It all depends on your point of view. I would avoid explaining and alllow the work to speak for itself. Keep writing. You have a lot of potential.
beginning: 3, language: 3, ending: 3, characters: 3.
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eh...
well to be honest I had no clue what was going on until i read your notes. I just though it was empty symbolism that meant nothing really. You need to work on building symbolism so that there are multiple possible interpretations of it. Instead of leaving people thinking...what did i just read? -
Well....
Ok so it's a very nice sentiment...however I feel the need to be harsh...first they aren't paragraphs they're stanzas, second it seems as if you're writing things you don't feel and it shows. Unless you've lived it or understand it deeply most poetry lacks the emotion and flare necessary to make it work. Third I normally like repetition but you don't do much aside from it. The repetition isn't held up by anything. Good metaphor yes, but the language isn't nearly strong enough, though it could be to make it work. The entire poem seems like it's writing about something we all expect, yes we all see it in movies and books and some live it, this does nothing to shock to show the reader anything new. Like I said it is a nice sentiment, it's just greatly lacking. My favorite quote is from a professor I had "Anything that is worth writing about, should not be written about." Take that advice unless you can shock or interest me it seems overdone. Good luck (I didn't mean to be mean, just blunt, don't be mad) and you may get better luck with critiques on poetry on AP. Best of luck.beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 2, ending: 2.
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Interesting....
The symbolism was hard to spot without you pointing it out.
And there was one spelling mistake.
When birds sing I feel no freight
Just take out the 'e' in fright.
Since, it's a poem, not a story, I can't review it in as much detail as I normally would (breaking it into the 6 rating choices given below).
I'm not saying this poem isn't good, but I would suggest replacing it on the list that you think needs more improvement.
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