The following pages are filled with all the adventures (and misadventures) that my friends and I have had over summer vacation.1
If it wasn't for Dad, I wouldn't be writing this right now. He said it was important to write down all that has happened, from the pane ride to England to...wait, I can't tell you what happened in the end now, can I? That would ruin everything and make it seem like the adventures we (my friends and I) had, were boring. That is one thing they aren't, The adventure was fun, exiting, scary, sad, confusing, and amazing, but definitely NOT boring.2
Anyways, I don't even know why Dad told me to do this anyway, I doubt he even believes it all happened. Dad's the only one in England that I've told what has happened...except for one other person who was there with, through out the whole thing.3
By the time IT was over, I thought that at least three YEARS had passed, but it turned out that it was only three months.4
I feel so lucky (and unlucky) to have been able to discover a whole new world, new people, new things, and been able to be in all that happened.5
Even as I'm writing this, another adventure is unfolding, new questions are appearing, old questions are being answers, and riddles are popping up.6
Many people have died, sadly, during The War, and even more have died because of such evil people that I shiver just to think of them. But i must in order to writ all this down. For it's my duty to write this for two reasons 1) because no one else can and 2)How else can the world know of The War unless I tell it?7
Let me tell you what happened. Some how I entered a different world, were there is only kids.A paradise for some of us, right? Wrong. The world is divided into two groups, the boys and the girls, and a war is brewing because the prince has disappeared and the princess is dying.8
And for a reason that you'll figure out later, I'm right in the middle of it and everyone thinks I can solve the problem. When The War starts, you'd think the boys would win, because they can fight and use weapons, right? That's what I thought too, until I found out an advantage that the girls have that made the boys and the girls equal... 9
The boys get weapons...the girls get powers....10
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Good
Hey this is a good start. I like your ideas and I can not wait to read more. I would ask that you take your time to construct this other world for your readers and explain how the character got there. And give the character a name and an age. Also go ahead and name the other world if possible. Name the prince and the princess as well.
You have a great imagination, just go ahead, take your time to tell us about the characters (her friends, the boys and girls), their surroundings (this other world) and their emotions (conserning the war, the missing Prince and the dying Princess).
Write more...
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Second paragraph "pane" maybe "plane". The last sentence in the third line I get tongue tied over. Capital in paragraph seven and "writ" maybe "write". I like this. Just a couple of errors. Keep going. Really want to hear more about this.
~Syren~beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5.


